Compulsive Liars Anonymous
by PadyandMoony
Summary: The case with this compulsive liar makes Castle reflect on his life and his relationship with Beckett. A season 8 repercussions story. NOT FOR BECKETT LOVERS. Mentions of torture and suicidal thoughts.
1. Reflections

**Disclaimer for the story: **I do not own Castle

**Warnings:** Mentions of torture and suicidal thoughts.

**Important long A/N, please read:** This is NOT for Beckett lovers. I explore Beckett's actions here and how that affected Castle and I do not paint her in a good light. So please, if you can't stand Beckett being criticized click the back button.

As a writer, I have had to analyze the show more deeply than when I was just watching. For years I was just a spectator of the show and I have to confess that I too was a super Caskett shipper and didn't think twice about their actions. But when I started writing for the show, I started re-watching the show carefully and I started wondering, why was I a Castle shipper again? Why does he stay? This is a very one-sided relationship. Why do they have two measures for their actions? Why when Beckett does something it's either ignored or immediately forgiven while when Castle does the same thing it's something to hold against him not just for episodes but for seasons ahead? And this double measure is not just seen on the show but also in fanfiction, a lot.

I am a woman and there are three things that bother me in the media and culture in general.

1 - that for a woman to be a strong, successful woman, she has to be a bitch. I am sorry, but Beckett does not represent me. Nor do any "strong women" characters who to be strong treat everyone like crap. You know who I like as a strong woman? Maggie Pierce from Grey's Anatomy. She is the chief of cardio at a young age, respected and successful in her field and she is nice. That takes strength, in my opinion, and that is what should be a role model.

2 – Have you noticed how all these strong women are also masculinized? They don't do feelings. They are good at beating people up and if they love a sport it's boxing or some other kind of fighting. I do feelings, I do not like any sports that involves beating people up and I treat people nicely. I believe I am a strong woman and that I don't need any of the abovementioned media image to be strong or successful. So, that strong women are almost always portrayed like that really annoys me. I started avoiding shows that advertise "strong female lead" so I don't get annoyed.

3 – Again, as a woman, I believe in EQUALITY of rights. That means equal _rights and duties_ regardless of color, gender, sexual orientation or preferences and any other kind of things used to segregate people. So, I am deeply offended when a woman is left out of a job because she is a woman. When a woman is sexually harassed or abused because she is a woman. When a man gets an advantage because he is a man and not because he is the most qualified for a job. But on the same hand, I am equally offended when a woman gets a job she is not qualified for because she is a woman. When a man is falsely vilified when there is a situation with a woman in which he is not the aggressor (that one especially gets to me because it makes it that much harder for us women to get justice when the man is the aggressor). I am not saying I am one of those persons who cries fake news every time there is an accusation, but I do believe in _innocent before proven guilty_ and do not condone the exaggeration that has been happening over the last few years where a person ('read man') is condemned by the media and loses everything before the story is even fully known. I would condemn this being made to anyone, not just men. When the reverse happened, and the woman was the one vilified, I was also angry. Like I said, I believe in knowing all the facts, not rumors, before passing judgement on anyone.

I've become radically against radicals! lol.

I believe that the exaggeration of anything is bad. That we need to find a balance between everything. What is happening today is not a balance, it's just tipping the scales to the other side. I believe that is an eye for an eye approach and that leaves the whole world blind. The violence never stops, because we are always fighting each other. So, when I see this glaringly different treatment of Castle and Beckett (and on other shows too) and I can't find a reason other than the man is always to blame, pisses me off because that is not equality. Just as that would piss me off if it was the other way around and the woman was always at fault for being a woman.

Anyway, this long exposition of my belief system is to say that I base this story on that belief system and I try to address what was not addressed in the show. Castle's faults were addressed in the show at nauseum, hers were not addressed at all. So, if you are offended by anything I said in this A/N or if you are offended by Beckett being painted as less than a saint, please hit the back button because I will ignore flames.

I haven't posted in this fandom for almost three years because the last time I posted I was personally attacked because of the show-writers, producers and actors, not what I wrote. I don't care about them and neither should you. We are here discussing the characters and their stories. If you want to leave a constructive, polite criticism to my story and my story alone, you are welcome, but any rudeness at all will be either deleted if anonymous or blocked if signed in. Always remember there are real human beings with feelings on the other side of your screen.

While nowadays I am not the fervent Caskett shipper I once was and don't mind reading stories where they don't end up together, I am a sucker for stories where the wrongdoer grows, changes and manages to repair their relationship with the wronged party. This will not be one of those, Beckett does a bunch of bad stuff, batts her eyelashes and gets forgiven story. There will be consequences and she will have to work to gain Castle's trust back and she will lose some things permanently. But, this will have a Caskett ending. So again, not your cup of tea, that's fine, but please just don't read instead of flaming me.

I hope you enjoy the ride.

**Summary:** The case with this compulsive liar makes Castle reflect on his life and his relationship with Beckett. A season 8 repercussions story.

**Compulsive Liars Anonymous**

**Chapter 1 – Reflections**

Lies, he couldn't stop thinking about lies since they found out their victim was a compulsive liar. Was that her problem? Was she a compulsive liar too? He knew she was lying. He wasn't stupid. He knew she was chasing LockSat despite the fact that there was already some mysterious woman from a three-letter agency chasing LockSat. And no, she didn't tell him this, Vikram did. Her new partner, the one she chose to run after this with. Probably because he would have argued that she had no business going after LockSat. Maybe… he wasn't sure she just didn't like the younger more exotic model better.

She lied to him, looked straight into his eyes and lied about meeting Gates the morning before she left him. And she lied when she left him even when he called her on her bullshit when he mentioned Bracken. She just stood there and lied, easily. And the worst part was, that wasn't the first time she calmly lied to his face. Actually, when she left was probably the first time he realized she was lying. Because before he just believed her, always believed her.

He remembers her saying she _chose _to believe him about not remembering his disappearance. Translation: she thinks he is lying but will pretend she doesn't. He knows that because he never had to choose before. He either believed or he didn't. When you have to choose to believe, it's because you don't. He had to choose to believe in the story he was fed by the fake Jenkins. He chose to believe him because he killed a man, who was probably part of his crew, in front of Castle to show he meant business and Castle got the message. Leave this alone or the next one might be you or someone you love. So, to protect his family he chose to believe the lie. And that is how he knows the difference. Between believing and choosing to.

And he didn't understand why. He lied a total of three times to her in the seven years they've known each other, one to protect her by omission, and well, he was pretty sure if she had outright asked, he would have probably folded. Not to mention he did tell her of his own volition while she… apparently she would have kept lying if he hadn't found out like she did every time he asked her if she remembered, all those times, she had no problem lying to his face. He lied to her to watch a movie with her and he lied to her about not knowing who Jordan was, and badly, she called him on the lie straight away. Even when he went to meet his father in secret, he didn't lie to her, he stammered a bunch of nonsense but didn't outright lie. And he called her, against his father's wishes. But her, she lied so many times and he always just forgave and put in the let's forget box because if I don't, we're going to fight.

She lied about having to work when she was getting serious with Demming. She lied about hearing his confession of love, several times. She lied about the job in DC, not because he wouldn't support her. For crying out loud, he was her biggest cheerleader, she had to know he would support her! But because sharing her life with him didn't even factor in to her. On that same note, just months before she had lied about Gates making her work Christmas Eve. She could had just told him, he would have understood. Her tradition wasn't anything bad, ugly, unreasonable that she had to lie, and yet she did. Why? So, she wouldn't share her life, like she is still not sharing her life now?

There has never been an us for her. It's still her and her alone and only how things affect her, not anyone else. She lied because she wanted to, once again, decide on her own without having to deal with his feelings or opinions? Because, well, he had to admit. Seven years later, and it's still just her feelings and opinions that matter. His hurt at the way she treated him when she was with Demming, his depression and out right desperation when she disappeared to her dad's cabin and wouldn't talk to him, his heartbreak when she kissed Vaughn and when she was about to leave him for a job – because he knew she was, she said so herself, when she met him at the swings, she had already said yes without asking him what he thought. She was expecting a breakup - his heartbreak when he woke up with two months missing from his mind - his memory which he had always been so proud of being a photographic one and instead of his fiancé, the woman who loved him and should be helping him prove his innocence he was met with Detective Beckett "you better get out of that bed AMA and come prove to me you did not do this or I'll slap cuffs on you" - no, never were his feelings addressed, acknowledged, he just had to swallow them and smile. That was what not only what she, but what their friends, expected and demanded. Lanie's comments proof of that. And he can't even say he didn't know, he did, but he lied to himself, that this was the time she'd change, she'd start sharing her life with him, that he would actually matter, except she never did, he never did and probably never would.

He looked at the pamphlet he had taken from the meeting. There was also a support group for the loved ones of compulsive liars. He looked at the times, there was one starting soon, not far away. He had more than enough time to go. He got up from his desk chair, got his wallet and key and marched out of the PI office.

* * *

"First time," someone asked from behind. Castle had entered the room in a small church and had been at a loss of what to do, not knowing where to seat in the circle of chairs in the center of the room.

"That obvious," he smiled at the older woman asking him.

"You brought your own coffee," she pointed at the coffee cup he had in hand. He had stopped on his way over. "First timers do that to avoid the awkwardness of the coffee table," she winked. "Come with me, we don't bite, that's two doors over."

"Guess I'm in the wrong room then," he joked.

"Good, you have a sense of humor, that will help you," she said as she led him to a chair and watched over him until he sat down. He felt he was back in Ms. Ruiz second grade class. Were they related? Ms. Ruiz had Latin origins and this woman was Caucasian but she could easily be her mother.

"I'm Claire and you?" she extended her hand.

"Rick."

"I know, but I'm polite and we're supposed to be anonymous."

He cringed, would the fact that he was here be all over Twitter?

"Don't worry, you are not the first famous person to join a support group nor will you be the last. The anonymous part is very respected. Especially in a group such as this, no one here is happy to be here," she simply said sitting next to him and he nodded.

"It's my wife," whaaat? Why did he say that? Was his coffee spiked with truth serum? Was there something in the air?

"My son," she responded.

The woman had powers! He had intended to come and listen, not spill his guts but that is exactly what he had done.

He had heard stories and with each story he could see Kate. He could see the big and small lies she told. How sometimes she didn't have to lie at all, but he'd find out later she had. Like the one time she was meeting Alexis to talk and she lied to him, for what? Yes, granted, he'd be curious, but he'd been plenty curious before, like her dinner with Meredith and after she said she wasn't going to spill he stopped asking. No, he found out because Alexis mentioned the place they had met thinking he had known of the meeting one time they were discussing where to go, and Kate had her deer in the headlight expression.

And when the coordinator asked him if he wanted to share, he couldn't hold back. He told them the whole story of Castle and Beckett from the very first case (editing national security stuff, of course and minding the time limit, which he ended up exceeding). And somehow, he felt like he wasn't crazy. These people didn't roll their eyes and just say he had to trust Kate, or remind him that once upon a time he had been a playboy so he couldn't complain. Quite the opposite, Claire, who seemed to be wiser than her years, asked him why he had stayed so long in an abusive relationship.

"Abusive," he snorted. "Isn't that exaggerating?"

"No, she is right," Mike, the coordinator asked. "This is an emotionally abusive relationship. She mistreats you, then when it looks like you are leaving, she gives you a little bit of comfort, of care, and then she mistreats you again. She beats and then kisses the hurt, and then beats again. Don't limit yourself to thinking of abuse as physical. Tell me something, you have a daughter…Put your daughter in your place and Kate in her boyfriend's place. If she came to you and told you everything you just told us. Of how he was treating her, what would you do?"

"I'd kill him, and no one would find the body," he answered instantly and then said, "Oh…"

Mike smiled as he saw realization show on Rick's face, "As a society we tend to have a harder time accepting when the man is abused. We are used to thinking of the man as domineering and the woman as victims. But that is actually being prejudiced towards women. Just like they have the same capacity for success as men, they also have the same capacity for cruelty."

Rick nodded pensively trying to digest the revelation. He had never thought of himself as abused. Yes, he was upset that his feelings never seemed to count but he never thought of her actions as abusive. After Mike concluded the meeting, Rick approached him and asked what he could do. Mike suggested that in addition to the meetings, he see a professional. Rick nodded and asked if he knew someone. He didn't want to go to Dr. Burke. The last time he went to him, he felt he had to defend himself, as if Dr. Burke was someone else who would blame him for leaving Kate. But he needed help. Kate may have never physically harmed him, but the emotional abuse was constant.

Did he have the strength to leave? Rationally he understood what Claire said, that this wasn't good for him, but he loved her so much. He had never understood battered women who didn't leave their husbands but now he did. He was an emotionally battered husband and he was torn, knowing he should leave but not wanting to let go of the woman he loved.


	2. The world doesn't stop spinning

**Chapter 2 – The world doesn't stop spinning**

He was dreading this meeting but he had talked to the man the summer of hell, like he liked to call it, and stated his intentions. Then again when he bought Kate her ring, which was not long after she came back from the summer of hell, and when he had decided that he would propose.

He had everything planned. He was going to propose on their anniversary. He had talked to the owner of the bookshop where he held the book signing where they first met and had arranged for the shop to be closed and only them allowed in. He was sure she thought he didn't remember. But he had a very good memory, almost photographic, which helped him remember the way a door opened on a hotel room, or that a button had been on the ground. That was one of the reasons he was so disturbed about his missing time. How could he remember the clothes Alexis was wearing when he took her to the park at age 3 on a random day and not remember two months of his life?

Then, for after she said yes, he had rented the same venue where the Storm Fall book had been launched, where their friends and family would be waiting. Yes, including Aunt Theresa. Big and intimate. Just like both of them liked.

Her lie had precipitated his plans and he ended up proposing at their swings. She was shocked when she told her father and he had asked if the party was cancelled. She had very badly disguised the fact that she had thought his proposal was a reaction to her leaving. No, he had to propose on the swings because she was leaving, ready to break them apart without his input, but he had wanted to propose since before she came to his door all wet. He just didn't think she was ready.

But the bottom line was, he talked to Jim before all the big moves and he should talk to him now. So, a week after his first meeting, he had called Jim and set up a breakfast date with the man. He inhaled deeply before opening the door to the dinner and smiled when he saw the man already sitting at his usual booth. He walked heavily there and sat down.

"How are you doing Rick?"

"Not good," he answered honestly.

"I figured. I don't understand Katie," Jim said exasperated, "I go away for a conference and you guys are great, she is about to start a new position, you are shaping up your new business and there is even talk of babies. Then I come back and you're the one to give me the news that she isn't living at the loft anymore when I call. And when I try to talk to her she brushes me off. Says she doesn't have time to deal with this."

Rick could only shrug, he didn't know what was going on with Kate either. They were briefly interrupted by the waiter and they both gave their orders, more to get rid of the waiter than because he thought he could eat.

"Jim, I have no idea what is going on either. She hasn't told me. And the times I have tried to talk to her she blocks me off. At first, I thought that maybe I could work cases, you know? Force her to interact with me but she was just annoyed. Made the fact that my presence was extremely unwelcome very clear. The desk sergeant called me after the last case to let me know she had given orders not to allow me into the precinct and to arrest me if I tried."

"She doesn't have authority to do that," Jim frowned. "The precinct is a public services building. Everyone has the right to enter the building."

Rick shrugged again, "I decided not to risk my freedom. I'm already getting parking tickets for places I haven't parked. Even for the car that blew up."

"I can't believe Katie would do that."

"I don't think she is, she's just not bothering to stop anyone. That's the Wall of Blue of the 12th. I don't want to generalize to other precincts, but at the 12th, every time she was angry at me, the other officers made sure to punish me with little things like parking tickets, or "accidentally" bumping me onto walls. My lawyer, Henry, is taking care of contesting all the tickets. I'm just explaining why I am not willing to bank on the good will of the officers of the 12th precinct."

"I understand," Jim nodded sadly.

Now to the hard part. Rick took in a big breath and started, "I'm here to apologize Jim."

"From what I understand you are not the one who needs to do any apologizing Rick," the older man answered with a knowing look.

"Not for what Kate is doing," he shook his head. "For what I am about to do. Jim, she's killing me. Over the last month, I've felt, like I've never felt before. Like I'm not enough and never will be. Like I don't matter, so what the hell."

"Rick, what are you saying? You're not saying you're thinking of ending your life?" Jim asked worried.

Rick looked at Jim sadly, "No, but to be honest, only because I'd never do that to Alexis and Mother. But I got really freaked out of how close I came, and I went looking for help." Part of his reason for going to the first meeting was because, just a few days before he had a fleeting thought when he was about to cross the street. He had thought that maybe if he walked in front of the bus that was coming, he'd stop hurting. The bus had stopped and the sign to cross had opened but he had stayed there horrified at himself.

"That's good, help is good," Jim nodded relieved. "And you can talk to me if you have to Rick. I know what's like to lose the love of your life to an obsession."

"You figured Kate out too?"

"Yes," Jim nodded. "She's exhibiting all the symptoms. Katie needed closure, but she takes after her mother. She doesn't know when to stop. You gave her that Rick. You know when to stop and you made her stop when she needed and helped her get closure without dying."

Rick snorted, "No, I didn't. And without me she wouldn't have gone back to her mother's case."

"If you really think that Rick, once again, you're not as smart as you'd like to believe. Katie may not have had the connection to Coonan, but she would have run straight back when Raglan called her and there would have been no one to temper her."

"But I didn't!" Rick said exasperated. "She ran straight into danger!"

"A lot less than if you hadn't been there, son. She'd be dead by now if you weren't there. And I really mean dead. I talked to the doctors and the detectives. And both the doctors and CSU agreed, if you hadn't tackled her, the shot would have killed her instantly."

Rick still felt too much guilt over the incident to agree with his father-in-law, but he listened to the older man.

"I gave you an impossible task that night I came to your house. But I am a father, and as a father you know I would do anything for my child."

Rick nodded. Had he been in the same position, he would have done the same.

"I'm filing for divorce."

To Rick's surprise, instead of the anger he expected, Jim just started telling a story, "I begged Jo to let the Pulgatti case go. He might have not committed the crime he was imprisoned for, but he sure deserved to be locked up. I told her she could help people who were actually innocent. But she wouldn't listen. And that wasn't the first time. Katie put her mother on a pedestal after she died. She conveniently forgot all the fights they had, and there were many. They were two peas in a pod and frequently clashed. And she also forgot all the times her mother had been away for "work." Work being a case that put her and us at risk, that she didn't need to take, but she just had to, because she claimed to be the only one for the job, when in reality there were others. With a lot less to lose. We would fight, she would leave to work the case. I would tell Katie she was in another city working when in reality she was in a hotel, right here.

"There was one time Katie saw her in town and Jo lied. Said she had come back for a meeting and wanted to surprise us. We had dinner together, and she left again in the morning. Because the case was important, more important than us. And for years I wondered why, but I loved her. So, when she came back apologizing and promising that was the last time, I let her back. Well, the last time was Pulgatti and we know how that ended.

"Only years later, when I was the one dealing with the bullshit excuses and fake promises I made Katie about drinking, until she had enough and told me she was cutting ties until I got cleaned - and that was my rock-bottom. Losing my daughter too - only then did I wonder if Jo wasn't an addict too, but her booze was different. She liked the excitement of dangerous cases. Being the hero who conquered where others had given up."

"Jim. Did you hear me? I'm filing for divorce. I'm breaking the promise I made you that I would always be there for your daughter."

"She broke that promise first Rick," Jim said simply. "I told you all this because sometimes I wish I had had the strength to do what you are doing. For me, for Katie. Things might have turned out differently. And, I'm hoping this will be Katie's rock-bottom…I don't want to lose my daughter to this addiction like I lost my wife. But just like with my drinking, sometimes the best thing you can do for a person, is get away. We've done all we can. I'm a witness to what you have done for her Rick. Time and time again you have showed her she can be happy. That she doesn't need to jump at things alone. That she doesn't need and shouldn't risk her life needlessly. That she can do her job and be careful at the same time. That there is a difference between the inherit dangers of being a cop and actually courting danger. But she hasn't listened. And continuing to hurt yourself and your family with that, won't change her."

"I'm still sorry."

"Me too. You were really good for her. You're everything a father could want for a daughter. Someone who loves my Katie as much as I loved her mother. That was all I could ask. But a marriage doesn't work if only one person wants to be married."

"I'm going to do right by her. She insisted on the prenup. I told her there was no need. That Alexis and Mother and even my future was protected. I had learned my lesson with my many stepfathers. But she insisted. According to the prenup she isn't entitle to anything because she left before we reached the year mark," he decided to leave the other reason she wasn't entitled to anything out of the conversation. The cheating clause she insisted on. Because she didn't trust him. "But I will make sure she has enough not to ever have to worry."

"She has her mother's trust fund. We come from money. Or do you really think she afforded that apartment in Manhattan and her clothes on a cop's salary?"

"I know. She told me when she asked for the prenup. She wanted to protect her trust fund," Rick nodded. "But when I marry someone, I really mean for life. Even if we can't make things work romantically, they are my family for life. I make sure Meredith and Gina are okay, and I will make sure she is too. From a distance," he added carefully. "I can't let her back in. I don't think I will survive this again."

"I understand," Jim nodded. "You do realize that means I am your father-in-law for life. That means you can't become a stranger. I do have friends that have nothing to do with Katie you know?"

Rick genuinely laughed, "Other than Sheila Blane, I've always gotten on well with my in-laws."

"Yes. I met Gina's parents at one of your Halloween parties. When I started talking to them, I thought they were your Aunt and Uncle, the way they talked fondly about you and how they hoped that Kate was the one to make you happy. Imagine my surprise when I found out they were your ex-wife's parents!"

"They're good people. Gina and I. We were good on paper, and as friend's, coworkers. But we forced the marriage. For different reasons. We thought our friendship could become love, and in the end, we almost lost that too. She has been in a serious relationship for years now. I'm just waiting for him to pop the question so I can be done with alimony."

"Maybe that's why she hasn't formalized yet," Jim said, ever the lawyer.

"She is a keen businesswoman," Rick agreed. In the end, when the waiter brought their dishes, they ended up eating and talking lightly about world news. The meeting had left Rick much more confident than when he arrived. And he understood Jim. He loved his daughter and was desperate to have something that would wake her up. Rick just wasn't sure that she would. She didn't seem to be affected by their separation as he was. She seemed to be thriving. Every time he had the chance to observe her before she noticed his presence and closed her face, she looked excited.

* * *

"Hey, Espo, what's this?" Ryan asked as he and Espo approached their respective desks on the bullpen. They had just interviewed a very annoying witness who kept telling them they smelled, and on top of both their desks was a very expensive bottle of Champagne and a note each. He took the note and started reading out-loud.

_"Hey Ryan,_

_This is to congratulate you on passing your Sergeant's exam. And before you say I am getting ahead of myself. I have complete confidence you are capable of passing the Sergeant's exam. If not this one the next. One exam, on one day where you might have gotten choked up, is not a reflection on your entire career. There will be other exams, and if you need a study buddy I am here. So that is what this bottle is for, to congratulate you on becoming a Sergeant whenever you do. Hopefully that will be now! :)_

_And if you didn't pass and want to wash your sorrows away, so that tomorrow you can come back and start getting ready for the next exam, you know my number and where my bar is._

_Alexis once asked me why I have my first rejection letter framed in my office and I answered her that that reminds me of how far I came. After that letter I got another twenty but didn't give up. I told her that failure isn't being rejected, failure is how you react to that rejection. So, if you didn't pass, don't give up. _

_But the moment you do pass, pop the cork and celebrate, you deserved it!_

_Best of luck,_

_Rick"_

"Mine says the same," Esposito said. "Why do you think he didn't come to give us them in person?"

Ryan looked into the Captain's office, "After how many times she's told him he is not welcome here? She even told the desk sergeant not to let him in if he shows up again after the last case. And to arrest him if he tries. Honestly, if Jenny did to me half what's she's done to Castle, I'd have dumped her long ago."

"Dude, Beckett's our friend! We have to have her back. Besides, Castle must have done something."

"She says he didn't and isn't he our friend too? Look at all the encouragement he just gave us. How he said he'll have our back. Shouldn't we have his?"

"Wall of blue man. She's the cop, he isn't, simple as that," Espo said forcibly.

"Yeah, wall of blue," Ryan said uncomfortably knowing he would adhere to the wall of blue even if he didn't think he should.

* * *

"Okay Richard, why did you ask us here?" Martha said impatiently from her chair later that same morning. He had called for a family meeting after his meeting with Jim. They were all three of them seated on the dining table with Rick at the head and each one of his redheads on one side of him.

"Over the last week I've been talking to some people."

"Which people dad?"

"Remember the last case, the compulsive liar case?"

"Yes," Alexis nodded. She had noticed her dad had been quieter since. Even quieter than he had been over the last month since Becket dumped him. She shouldn't have told her dad to trust Beckett when she first disappeared. She knew she had hurt her dad, like he couldn't handle himself, which she didn't think was the case. After all, he handled himself pretty well when saving her in Paris. But she had been scared since his disappearance. And everyone pretended to believe the whole CIA story, but no one really did. There was one glaring problem with that story, which is that her dad would never just disappear without at least letting them know he was ok.

"Well, I started going to a support group-"

"Richard, you are not a compulsive liar, everyone knows your books are fiction."

"Thank you, mother, but no. I've been going to a support group for families of compulsive liars. And through the group I got a recommendation for a therapist, and I started seeing him."

"You already have a therapist, that chap you went to see early this year," Martha waved her hand as if pointing at the doctor.

"Dr. Burke is Kate's therapist. I shouldn't have gone to see him, and quite frankly he shouldn't have accepted. His job is to do what's best for Kate, not me."

"I think you're right daddy. You need someone who can give you an unbiased opinion. And Dr. Burke already has a bias no matter how much he might try not to, since he was her shrink first. I'm glad you are seeing someone. We've been worried about you, you, well…"

"Being depressed like shit."

"RICHARD! Language, but, yes," Martha said squeezing his hand and worrying her lips.

He smiled sadly, "I know, and I'm sorry to put you through this."

"No daddy, you are not the one here who should be sorry. You are the victim here, and we're all adults. I'm not a little kid who needs to be protected from your feelings, dad. I can help you," Alexis said adamant. The last thing she wanted was for her dad to apologize for Beckett's actions. She had only seen Beckett in a video call since the breakup and she was growing quite the animosity towards the woman every time she saw her dad try to pretend to be okay in front of her.

"I know, but as a parent I will always want to protect you. But I am sorry, because I've realized something. I've gone to the group and seen my shrink every day this week, and well. I've talked and listened a lot," he opened his eyes wide just thinking of the grueling sessions and all he had been trying to work through. Only the thought of Jim Beckett made him not hit his liquor cabin to numb the pain. Instead he had done something Dr. Wyatt had suggested. Started a hobby. Something that was pleasurable and didn't have a reason for being. He had dusted his old bicycle. He used to take Alexis biking all the time when she was younger. But then, in her teenage years there were other things with friends she had wanted to do instead of biking with her father and his bike had been gathering dust. Manhattan had quite a number of bike lanes and going out and breathing (the rather polluted) air of the city while pedaling, without an agenda or pressure to be the best athlete, just biking over the city and taking the sights, had been a good stress reliever. "And I know I am nowhere near being ok, but I have come to a conclusion. What Becket and I have, is not good."

"Richard, aren't you jumping the gun? Katherine is just going through something-"

"And once again I am out," he cut his mother. The fact that she was always defending Kate hurt, but he had talked about this with Dr. Wyatt and realized that his mother did that not to defend Kate's actions but hers. If she condemned Kate, she would have to look a little closer at how she had treated her romantic partners and Rick, himself. But his mother was his mother. You can't choose your mother, he could only accept what happened and move on. But you can choose your spouse.

"Like Alexis said, we are all adults, she can go through tough times, everyone does. What she can't do is shut me out. For better or for worse means we share our victories and our problems. But she has never shared, either. She keeps me at arms lengths, sometimes through pretty cruel remarks and when she sees I'm giving up, she gives me a little bit to reel me in again, and start the cycle again. There is only one thing that should come before your spouse mother, for a marriage to work, and that's your child. I never even came second, third, fourth.

"No, I've always been last. The very first time we were together. The only reason she came to this door was because she had lost everything, her job, her case and me, because I had walked out. And so, she came claiming all she wanted was me and I believed her, and then in the space of a year, she let someone, who was 10 times worse than I was when we met, kiss her. And believe me, as someone who spent four years _trying_, I know that Kate Beckett will not let anyone close enough to kiss her if she doesn't want to be kissed," he said forcibly so his mother wouldn't jump to defend Kate like she did at the time. "And when I was upset, she looked at me like I wasn't allowed to be upset. Why? Because I felt comfortable with her enough to show her my whole self, including the guy who likes to play video games with a real human twelve-year-old on the other side and doesn't just leave him hanging the second she calls?

"And after all that, she has the gall to ask me where we are going as if I was the one kissing other people? I've been pretty clear with her from the start I wanted everything. I wasn't the one who wanted to keep everything a secret because Gates wouldn't let us work together, knowing full well Gates would have to let us work together with a call from Bob! And then, when she gets a job offer, she once again _lies_ to me instead of sharing, instead of us discussing pros and cons together. At the time you told me that she didn't have a ring on her finger so I couldn't expect her to think of us as together. Like her lying was my fault. Well, now she has one and she is still not thinking of us, just her. I don't factor at all in her decisions and she lies so she doesn't even have to bother pretending. And she lies all the time, for stupid stuff, and important stuff and that case made me think about all that and I saw the pamphlet for the group and went. And," he sighed, lost, as if what he had to say was costing him every ounce of strength, "and talking about the last seven years, our relationship…I realized, what we have is an abusive relationship."

"Really Richard! Now you're a battered husband! Give me a break."

Seeing her father's hurt gaze at her grandmother's dismissive comment Alexis intervened, "He is right. I didn't want to see either. I wanted to see that extraordinary woman dad kept talking about, so every time she did something and dad forgave her, I tried to see what he saw, and put away what she'd done. But over the last month I've been thinking a lot too, and dad is right. He is an _emotionally_ battered husband. She's been bullying him from the get-go. From the moment they met. Tell me dad, when you go talk to someone whose only connection to the victim is that he wrote a book which the killer, who could be one of the millions of people who read that book, Becket included, based the murder on do you arrest them? Barge into their launch party, which you know is going to be full of press, and make a scene of arresting them?"

Rick shook his head, "No, we don't."

"Yet she did that to you without even knowing you and I know you realized she was a bully because you gave her your _'Richard Castle trademark bully treatment,'_ patent pending, where you try your best to annoy the bully," she inserted a joke and was happy to see him smile.

"That always works. I perfected my method in high school," he added to the humor and in a more serious tone, "I know. I've been talking about that with my shrink. The only other time I had met Kate was at a book signing. She stood out because she was one of the people who really read the book and had a copy of an old book. You know how I always remember those and write them down in my journal. I was polite to her at the book signing. I was bummed out, I had just been dumped by Sophia and she seemed genuine and I liked that she was a cop, she was in uniform. I remember I wrote something nice, not hot, nor did I hit on her. I was still smarting from Sophia. Paula was pissed I wasn't flirting. After the Storm Fall launch, I went to check my journal to see if maybe I had said something that could have offended her, and I couldn't find anything. I put that out of my mind, for years. Like I made excuses for her barbs, for the month she spent pushing me out when she was with Demming, for arresting me when we met again without giving me a chance to explain when I've seen her talk to armed suspects down and let them tell their story. I was putting the gun down when Ryan shot! And I put all that away in a box that I pretended wasn't there. And that is why I am apologizing, because I've been in a bad situation for years and I didn't have the strength to leave and the two of you suffered for that."

"Dad, Beckett is the one at fault here!"

"I'm not taking away her fault. My forgiving nature isn't a free pass to do what she did. Her actions are her own and she is the one who has to own up to them. But I have to own up to mine. I shouldn't have stayed. I should have left a long time ago. My therapist asked why I didn't leave after the first case. He said he would have, and he has studied the human mind and could maybe try to understand her. But even him, with his knowledge that whatever her problem is, isn't with me, like you said, she attacked me before I could even do anything, he wouldn't have stayed. His words. And we are working on that. Why I do that. I did that with Kyra, Meredith, Gina, even Sophia, and now with Kate. They are at fault for their actions, but I also let them walk all over me. And I don't want to be that person anymore."

"What are you saying Richard?"

He looked at his mother and daughter sadly, "I'm giving her what she wants, I'm filing for divorce. I'm getting out of a bad situation, because it's not right for me or for the two of you. And she gets what she wants, a life where she only has to think of herself and doesn't have to bother thinking how her choices affect her family."

Both Martha and Alexis exchanged looks and squeezed his hand. "We have your back Richard. I'm sorry I wasn't receptive. With you outlining things so clearly, you're right. But like you said, you've fought this for seven years, and I wanted you to have what you wanted."

"Takes two to tango mother, and I'm only one. One needs to know when to cut one's losses short," he said sadly. Kissing both their hands when the doorbell rang.

"Are you expecting someone?" Martha asked.

"No," he said going to the door. As he opened the door, he was faced with Agent Dangberg pulling a suitcase and a woman carrying a baby sleeping in a carrier.

"Hello Mr. Castle?" Dangberg said.

"Hello," Rick said slowly.

"Do you mind if we come in?"

"Er, sure," he said shrugging bewildered at his mother and daughter.

"Please take a seat," Martha directed them to the couch. "What a lovely child. What's his name?"

"Harry," the woman answered as everyone got seated. "Mr. Castle, there is no good way to tell you this. I am sorry to inform you, but your brother was killed this morning in a shootout at his home and his wife is in critical care."

"I think you made a mistake, I don't have a brother," he said bewildered.

"Yes, you have," Dangberg said. "I was chosen to come talk with you since we have had prior contact. According to the instructions left by your brother you two share a father. Who that may be I can't say. He didn't register James either."

"I have a brother? Through my father? I have more family?" Rick asked confused. He didn't know how to feel. He always wanted more family. He had a brother. Jackson abandoned yet another child.

"I don't know how he knew, he might explain to you in this," Dangberg handed an envelope to Castle. "Your brother and his wife had both left the agency when she became aware of her pregnancy with Harry. They were partners, I can't tell you more than that. They assumed new names. James and Lily, as is practice for retired agents."

"James, Lily and Harry?" Alexis asked.

"Yeah, according to people who knew her, Lily was a Harry Potter buff."

"Couldn't she have chosen Molly and Arthur, that's some bad juju there," Rick said going closer to the carrier and caressing Harry's cheek. "Harry is my nephew."

"No, Mr. Castle, from now on he is your son," the woman said. "I'm Chloe Smith from social services. Your brother and his wife left very well documented instructions and legal papers that guardianship of any child they may have was to pass directly and automatically to you should something happen to them. All you have to do is sign here and Harry and the new baby will be yours."

"What, my, what-"

"New baby?" Alexis asked, this was a lot to take in, she could see her father flounder.

"Lily is pregnant. She is in the ICU, she survived, barely, but she sustained too much brain damage. The only thing keeping her alive is the machines. The doctors believe they could maintain her to term, there is precedence. They'll have to explain things better to you, but she is still within the termination window should you choose otherwise."

"NO!" he cried as if someone was about to shoot the poor baby. "Sorry, I mean, I need to talk to the doctors, but no, if there is a chance for this baby to be brought to term healthy, I will do whatever I have to."

"So, you accept the responsibility for these children Mr. Castle?"

"'Course I do, why wouldn't I?" he asked as if she was crazy and Alexis bit her lip because she knew her dad was really questioning the woman's sanity. He would never turn his back on family. Which was why she was worried about him. He didn't stop making sure both her mother and Gina were okay. And he would surely do something for Beckett. She just didn't want that something sucking him back in. He had taken Harry out of the carrier and was cradling him and looking at Ms. Smith as if she was about to steal him away.

Very satisfied with the reaction she got Ms. Smith took out the papers, explaining which ones would be filed with child services, which he should give to his lawyer to file with the family justice department and to keep for their files and explained about the visits he would receive during the first year to make sure they were all adapting. He asked about what his wife had to sign and Ms. Smith explained that his brother had specified that the only one with parental rights would be Richard despite who he was married at the time. He didn't want his children stuck in guardianship battles and Rick would later find out that he trusted Richard to be a good father, but he didn't trust Kate to stay around. Apparently, from afar, his brother had figured out Kate better than him.

"How far along is she? I mean Harry can't be more than six months old."

"She is 15 weeks along and Harry is five months old."

"Wow, they didn't waste time," Rick commented.

"I have the impression this one wasn't planned either," Agent Dangberg said under his breath.

After exchanging all the information needed for Rick to contact Lily's doctors and retrieve James's body, both the agent and social worker left, and Rick looked at his mother and daughter while holding a sleeping Harry.

"What now?"

"Well Richard, you're a single father of two infants," his mother said simply, and he blanched. He never thought he would have to do this alone again. She had promised he wouldn't have. But he always wanted more children. Maybe this was his way of being a daddy again despite his complete and utter failure in finding romantic love. Maybe this was a sign, he was allowed the love of his children, but not that of a woman. He kissed his new son's head.

"He looks just like you did at that age," his mother cooed, and Alexis took out her phone and took a picture.

"Oh, we should get those! Make a montage!" Alexis whispered and Rick smiled at his redheads, they sure were taking this in strides.

* * *

A/N :

I want to state that I mean no offence to any law enforcement officers with the Wall of Blue thing. I am basing the fictional officers of the fictional 12th precinct on actions on the show, and am dealing with that.

I am not a doctor or an expert in adoption or divorce laws. While I Googled as much as I could I did take creative license here. There is a reason for the babies in this story. They are here to drive home to Kate what she is letting her obsession cost her. Each one of them.

Doctor Gordon Wyatt is a nod to Bones. And the idea of going out on his bike is something I started doing about a year ago. Got myself a bike and started making use of the bike lanes in my town. And I also live in a big, polluted, horrible traffic city, so I could relate. Biking has been great after a stressful day. I am no athlete, the most I go at is 10km/hour and that is me going faaast. But I get to relax, forget my troubles. Unlike the gym, you have to pay attention to what you are doing so you can't keep rehashing your problems. And anyone can start biking, regardless of age or shape, so I thought that would be nice for Rick.


	3. Image is everything

A/N: Thank you all for the reviews and support.

There were a couple of guest reviewers who used the reviews to fight and to fight with other reviewers. To you, I ask you to PM the person directly instead of trying to pull a fight on my story. Also, to the guest reviewer who didn't like a review and insulted me for leaving that review. Well, unlike you, the person actually had the guts to sign the review and therefore I can't delete said review even if I wanted to. Something you would know if you were an active contributor to this site. Yours, on the other hand, wasn't signed so I did delete for two reasons, 1 - you were rude. 2 -Read above. Have a problem with reviewer, PM the reviewer not me.

But the vast majority were supporting me, and especially, polite, and for that I love you

**Chapter 3 – Image is everything**

Rick had done something stupid. Looking into the suitcase he saw that there were only some toys, few changes of clothes and picture albums. Agent Dangberg had explained that since the attack on James and Lily had connections to a case they worked, as a matter of national security Rick would not have access to their home. He couldn't even know their address and would never be told who did this or why. All Dangberg was able to tell him was that one of the two had time to hide Harry in a closet and sound the alarm that brought backup to the house too late. He thought that had been James because he was gunned down from behind near the closet while Lily was shot from the front closer to the entrance and had a gun. All he had was the assurance that the agency would not let an attack on two of their agents rest.

But Rick was left with a problem, he had an infant and nothing for an infant. He had given all of Cosmo's things to Ryan and Jenny. So, he, Alexis and Martha had gone shopping. He had a list of what and where to get them.

Before the fiasco, he and Kate had been discussing kids since being Captain was a desk job. Maybe that helped her run to the other side. But he was excited, and he had started researching the best of everything they would need in stores, online parenting groups, reviews. So, he didn't think twice, he printed the list and then kept stepping on the imaginary break as he had to let Alexis drive because Harry started crying if he was away.

When Harry woke, he started crying and Rick was the only one able to calm him down. Later, when he had time to go through the envelope his brother left, he would see that he was a dead ringer for his brother, so that was explained. But the fact is he had to ride in the back with Harry, and as with any normal parent with their child on the wheel he couldn't help but backseat drive.

They went to most of the places he had marked to get the essentials and choose between the three options of crib he had separated as his favorite options. He also bought a stroller and realized that he would have to change the stroller to accommodate both babies. But that was a problem for later. The carrier Harry had been transported doubled as a car seat and Rick had checked and it was the model he had chosen too, so that was solved. Then there were diapers, clothes, more toys a playpen for the office, gates for the stairs as well as nets, all kinds of baby proofing supplies, bottles, bathing supplies, pretty much a lot of supplies, rubber mats for the flor and a gate Rick loved. It was modular, plastic and colorful and you could make a fence whatever size you wanted so that you could fence off an area of a room as a safe play area for the baby. When Alexis was little, he had come up with something similar but had to custom make his fence, this was ready…wait…someone stole his idea…should he be getting royalties?

Back to the problem, they were seen. They were seen playing in the toy store where Rick carried Harry around to see what interested the little boy. They were seen at the furniture store where Rick tested the rocking chairs and cribs with Harry to make sure the little boy enjoyed them. They were seen in the clothing store pushing the stroller. And by the time they got home Paula was waiting for them at the entrance to the loft because the news outlets and social media were bombing with speculation about his love child and if that wasn't the real reason his wife had dumped him for her new beau.

Yep, over the last month the media had been dragging him through the mud about being a three-time loser. Kate had not been discreet in moving in with Vikram. Yep, she moved in with the guy she had claimed to never have met before he called. And they were often seen in very cozy closed-door meetings in her fishbowl office. Rick himself had walked into the bullpen to see the two whispering close to each other. And to add insult to injury, to acquire the job position for Vikram - a job position who really didn't required many closed door meetings with the Captain. He doesn't think he saw Tori alone in the Captain's office more than a handful of times in the whole seven years he worked at the precinct - yes, she fired Tori, who had been with the precinct since before Rick started. Who was a genius in computing. So, yes, Kate had been continuously splashed on Page 6, and funnily enough she wasn't the one being given the bad rep, no, he was. Despite all the above mentioned. So clearly, he was screwed and other than a quick phone call to set an appointment he hadn't even managed to talk to the doctors or see Lily yet.

"You need to record a statement," Paula said. "We need to get ahead of this."

"A statement! I just found out I had a brother today. Emphasis on the _had_!" he seethed stalking his living room but mindful of Harry sleeping on the playpen he put up in his office. "I'm still dealing with everything."

"Well, this will have to take priority."

"Harry and Lily take priority right now!"

"Rick," Paula said trying to calm her client down. "You don't understand the times we are living in. While I am all for giving victims voice, empowering women. What is happening today is blame the man first ask questions later, and then if you were wrong, bury the story. Gina and I have been trying to calm down the Black Pawn big wigs but…"

"But what? I just handed them two full books ready to print and am already way ahead on the next one in the contract."

"They're threatening not to publish those two and to sever all contracts. Cut all associations with you. They believe that times being what they are they need to be seen as supporting the victim, which means, well, the woman. Sorry, but in a scandal, being the man, is the worst thing that could happen right now."

Rick looked at her shocked, "_She_ dumped _me_. Didn't even give me a reason. Moved in with Vikram."

"I know, I've got Henry working full time."

"This doesn't make sense. I have the rights to all my books. If they cut ties with me, they have to pull back all the books they already have out there, printed and digital. They can't sell anything."

"And pay you a humongous fine," she nodded.

"How does that make any financial sense? The expense to pull the books and burn them alone? Because they have to burn them. They can't sell them, and I can't sell them because of the Black Pawn logo."

"They feel that in the long run what they will lose financially is worth to keep their image intact."

"I write books! I have never not delivered no matter how much Gina complains or what was going on in my life. I was kidnapped for two months and I still delivered on time. Gina and the idiots loved the books I gave them! I did my job, what does my personal life have to do with that? My job is to write the book and I did!" his hands were in fists now. This didn't make any sense. Why was Black Pawn punishing him?

Paula winced, really sorry. She was furious with Black Pawn, with how society had become ridiculous. Rick Castle was the most pro-woman man she knew. He didn't just believe with all his heart a woman could achieve what she wanted, deserved to work without harassment, deserved to be safe in the streets, at home, at work, deserved to have full control of her body and be free to chose whatever she wanted, to focus on a career, to be a working mom, or even to be a housewife, whatever she chose. He applied that in his day-to-day and he campaigned for it.

For equality, for a person to be considered for a job for their qualifications, not their gender, sexuality, race of anything other not related to what you need to do the job. But times were that equality wasn't enough, people were out for the blood of the ones who had privileges before. And being a white, rich man, that was Rick.

As a believer in equality, Paula hated this, especially, because the ones who looked for blood didn't realize they weren't making the life of the minority better, they were making it harder. When they made a scandal where there wasn't one, when there really was one people didn't pay attention because there were so many that they were desensitized. Like Peter and his cries for wolf. Because a woman is going to have a harder time being hired for fear of legal action. And only who is not in those shoes, of being a minority looking for a job can say that doesn't happen. If a bunch of people in bad faith use the press and the system to cry abuse because in reality they were incompetent, yes, that will happen, and worse, the real victims will get shortchanged because of the number of assholes out there abusing the laws and the fight. So, that was a real pet peeve for Paula. But she moved in the press and pretending this wasn't happening wouldn't be good for her or her clients.

Seeing him as the target, so unjustly, just pissed her off. And she was really pissed off at Kate Beckett. Not only had she thrown away a true partner - someone anyone would want as a spouse, who really cared about their spouse - but she couldn't even be discreet. She wasn't stupid, she knew how his public image mattered to Black Pawn and book sales. For the last seven years Rick had her working on making sure nothing came out that could affect Beckett's career. That his books and anything said about his books or her couldn't jeopardize her career and the woman couldn't return the favor? Really?

"Let me give a press release, explaining about your brother and the babies. And as soon as you have time Rick, as soon as you have time, you record a video, on your phone, explaining the situation and send it on your social media. But I need to give something. Give me your laptop and I'll write the release here so you can read it beforehand. But be ready for a summons from Black Pawn."

He nodded, "And if they do summon me? What do I do?"

"You have enough to live comfortably for three generations. Just don't get married again. "

Rick laughed sadly. That was true. Growing up he and his mother had been in a number of tight spots, sometimes having to live at a friend's house. Money was tight. He never wanted his family to go through that again, so he had made quite a few accounts for rainy days and contingency plans for his accounts. So that his family didn't suffer, and he couldn't fall into the trap his mother fell when her husband stole all her money. No, he made sure that most of his money was handled in a way that even if he got married drunk in Vegas with no prenup, it would be safe, and his family would be seen to for the rest of their lives. That however wasn't his only concern.

"I don't mean that. My readers are expecting a new Nikki Heat book and a new Storm one. I can't just leave them hanging. And you know that nowadays most of what I earn I use for charities. As you've pointed out I don't need the money anymore, but they do. If I can't earn new money, I can't risk my kids' future and I have to stop that. How will they manage? It's a lot of money Paula!"

"I know. I'm sounding out other publishers, but you are radioactive right now. Worst comes to worst we self-publish online."

"Self-publish," he snorted. "25 years as a best-seller and now I might have to self-publish," he shook his head. "Black Pawn was small when they signed me up. I was their biggest ticket for a long time. I had other offers, from bigger more established houses. I never took them out of loyalty."

"I know," she said sadly. She did. How many times hadn't she brought those offers and received the same answer. _"Black Pawn believed in me when I was no one, those houses didn't."_ He was a very loyal man, unfortunately, the rest of the world wasn't.

Xxx

She heard a knock on her office door and looked up from the files on the Vulcan Simmons case she was examining.

"Captain Beckett?" a young boy with a carrier bag asked.

"Yes?"

He came forward and handed her an envelope.

"You've been served," and he left.

She didn't bat an eye. As a law enforcement officer, she was served all the times to testify on cases she worked on. She opened the envelope and read the first line and huffed putting the papers back in the envelope without reading them.

Another plea for attention from Castle. Dissolution papers. Why can't he just wait patiently? She had thought he had finally seen reason. She hadn't seen him in weeks and hadn't been trying to insert himself in cases. When Hailey showed up on the still open case of the stolen painting, she thought Castle must have sent her but no. And as long as she was notified if the painting was found, Hailey was more than happy to stay away from their investigation. She had thought he finally understood, but no. He was just changing tactics. Well, she'd just ignore his tactics once again, stuffing the papers inside the drawer. All she had to do was not sign.

If she had bothered to actually read the instructions and remember the prenup she had come up with, she would have read the explanations that as the wrong doer, if she didn't show up to the hearing that had been scheduled to plead her case, the divorce would be granted. But she was too busy with LockSat to waste time with Castle.

She was too busy with LockSat for a lot of things. She hadn't noticed that the boys were having trouble closing cases, just the two of them alone. She let the pile of requests from the rest of the precinct pile up, ignoring her inbox about anything that wasn't LockSat. She ignored the fact that the homicide floor was not happy having had their IT person changed abruptly from Tori, who everyone was used to, to Vikram, and that there was rampant speculation about the relationship between the two. Not only for the way she went over proper procedure to hire personnel to hire him, but because the clerk in HR let the gossip mill know that she had changed her home address to the same address Vikram had provided.

She had been sharing an apartment with Vikram because that was the fastest way to get him a place, considering he had no references other than her in town, and because they could work after hours on LockSat. There was nothing going on with them. As a matter of fact, with the amount of times Vikram asked about Castle and mentioned his blue-eyes and ass, she was starting to think he was gay and was becoming quite annoyed at his obvious crush on _her_ husband. But the fact that she left their home together and signed official papers sharing a home with another man, already triggered the prenup clauses. But that was far from her mind. Her obsession made her not check the papers or her social media. She had a one-track mind. All she cared about was finding LockSat.

xxx

He found out his brother didn't just look like him, he went for redheads too. Lily was a redhead and the only difference between him and James were the eyes, James had brown eyes. From the pictures included in the package he received, he realized that much as his namesake, Harry had his father's looks and his mother's blue eyes. Maybe that was why they chose the names, except in the book Harry had green eyes. This was okay. His mother was right, Harry did look a lot like him, which would make things easier for the kid. Rick knew first hand how children could be cruel, there was no need to give ammunition by announcing just at a glance that Harry was adopted. And James had been clear in his message.

_"Our father told me I shouldn't be like you, leaving the agency to be a father, but if I am a tenth of the father I have observed you to be, I will be a very good father. Being just like my big brother is my aim. And that is why, if the worst happens, I want you to take care of my children. Because sometimes I wished as hell that instead of leaving me to the system, when I was orphaned with no other family at 12, our father would have given me to you. I would have been a different man. I wouldn't have joined the agency because I didn't have anything to lose. But at the same time, I wouldn't have met Lily, and had Harry and the new baby. Boy was that a surprise, we though you couldn't get pregnant the first few months after giving birth, turns out you can," he had shaken his head in bewilderment in the video and Rick laughed. "And I wouldn't trade them for the world. Do you have that? Knowing you could have had something better and wanting that but in the end knowing the hardship you went through brought you something you love and not wanting to have lost that? So much contradiction._

_"But that is not my point here. My point is that if I am not there to be that father to Harry and Alex, I want you to be. I want you to be daddy. Not Uncle Rick. I don't want them to wonder if they weren't good enough for a daddy like I did. Like I bet you did. Tell them about us, use the videos we made, show them. I want them to know about us, but I also want them to know, that even if you didn't make them, you are as much their daddy as I am. I know I can count on you for that. I've watched you. I hope I will be able to meet you, once I am sure I am not bringing anything bad to your doorstep. But if I can't, know that I am very proud of being your little brother. You are all I want to be when I grow up."_

Rick had cried, he wanted to have known his brother too. Taken care of him. He would have. He was already a best seller at 22 and even if he and his mother had been still scraping by, they would've figured things out. His brother didn't need to be shuffled in the system. All because Jackson couldn't be bothered. According to James, Jackson only met him to train him in the CIA and only fessed to being his father when James decided to leave the CIA and only to convince him to stay.

He failed, James and Lily left, but their past caught on to them. Right before Harry was born, they had to go into hiding because of something related to one of the cases they worked. Like their namesakes they were being hunted, and prepared for the worst. The envelope had a password and biometric protected hard drive that they backed up daily with videos they made and photos they took. You had to be related to Jackson to see the hard drive. Rick did not wonder how James managed to get Jackson's DNA. He just imagine a mean right hook.

They prepared videos for Rick, Harry and baby Alex. They had decided that the new baby would be called Alexander or Alexandra to honor Rick. Harry, apparently was not for Harry Potter but for Lily's father, who had been in the army. Her parents were also both deceased, having died in a car crash where the other driver was drunk and her father's name was Harold, which was Harry's full name. James and Lily were her idea since she loved the books and the baby would be named Harry.

Rick felt honored. He didn't even know his brother. When he saw the picture, he remembered. A little while after he was found, he met James or as he thought, Derek…really, he fell for that. An aspiring writer who came to a book signing and who asked if Rick wouldn't mind if he picked his brain over beers. Always eager to help new talent, Rick accepted and ended up sharing a lot of his early struggles with "Derek". He was sporting a blond beard and hair. But even with the facial hair, when Kate joined them at the Haunt, she commented on the resemblance between the two. In the videos James said he had wanted to meet Rick in person, not just stalk him from afar, but he didn't want to risk anyone connecting them. The only time Rick had met his brother he didn't even know who he was. How important that meeting had been. And if Jackson hadn't decided to use Rick as an example of what not to do, had just let James leave the agency, neither would have ever known, because Jackson had no intention of telling James he was his father.

Apparently with Hailey he had a harder time. Hailey had a living mother who didn't give her much attention and she joined MI-6 because she basically felt alone. When Jackson used his connections to train her too, she was suspicious of why MI-6 would have an American CIA veteran training one of their agents. So, she observed, asked her mother questions and managed to grab a DNA sample in a sparing session. Jackson seemed impressed. She became his protégé. When he sent her to find Rick, he told her who he was to them. Except after Rick was found - without her help, she hadn't managed to find where he was being kept - she kept an eye on him to make sure he was safe and, like James, she liked him, and Alexis and Martha, and wanted to be a part of their life. Like James, she left MI-6 and once she was sure none of her work could be traced back to her, she would show up and introduce herself. Problem was, she took a freelance job from Rita that made them cross paths.

She still wasn't sure if she should come clean yet, but when he showed up at the PI firm with Harry and told the story she blew a gasket. She was furious. Jackson had not imparted that there was yet another sibling out there, how many children did that man abandon?

To say Rick was shocked when she started ranting was putting things mildly.

"You mean that asshole had another child?! He told me we were the only ones! How many are there out there? Are we going to find out we have 500 siblings out there?"

"Er, we?" he asked the woman he had asked to join the firm after she showed up again because of a case of a stolen painting that intersected with the 12th. He had nothing to do with the case, which was still open. But he knew he'd need help, so when he found out through Alexis she was back, he thought, why not? Beckett had a new partner, why couldn't he?

She looked at him still focused on her fury, "What?"

"You said, we," he said slowly.

"Oh, yes, about that, funny story…" and she proceeded to explain how they both shared DNA.

Rick decided to trust but verify. He had already planned on testing Harry to make sure this wasn't his dad kidnapping the children of some person of interest and using Rick to babysit. Hailey accepted saying she'd be disappointed if he hadn't asked. They went to Lanie for the tests and they were positive, they were all related.

"So, I asked Hailey if she wanted to join the firm, with the babies I can use the help. But Dr. Wyatt said that I still need to have something that is mine or when they grow, I will fall in the same trap as with Alexis and fall into depression once they start becoming more independent. So, we've worked out a schedule with Mother, Hailey, Alexis, Tracy…Rina recommended her and she is really good and I veted her thoroughly. Not to mention I installed hidden cameras - which I have full control of - in the entire loft and even in the stroller. No one is mistreating my babies on my watch. Oh, and Jim, that was a surprise, to tell you the truth. But he loves babysitting Apple pie," he smiled at the nickname he had found his brother and Lily used with the little because Lily craved Apple pie all the time when she was pregnant.

"And Alexis and Dr. Wyatt say I have to leave Harry in daycare," he huffed. "That it's _good_ for him, especially since you guys were in hiding and he didn't interact with others… What? Of course there are cameras in day care! What kind of question is that?! I managed to convince the parents that installing cameras so they could see their little ones when they were away was an excellent idea and of course offered for RCI to provide the service. I know exactly what Ms. Mindy is doing. Though I have to put the tablet away when Alexis is looking. She has some really crazy ideas she is getting from parenting books, like torturizing," he snorted, "I'm not torturizing my babies. I don't care what a book says about them having to comfort themselves. My babies need to know that when they call, I come. I'm happy you agree with me Lily," he nodded.

"Mr. Castle," a nurse called and he looked up from his seat on the side of Lily's bed. She was still in a private room in the ICU, but between him Alexis, Martha and Hailey they had managed to give some life to the room with blankets from home, photos of Harry and James and fresh flowers Rick brought every day. She had been here for a month now. The doctors explained to him that while they believed they could maintain her through the pregnancy that was not a given and there were very few successful cases registered. Every day her body held on was a victory and their aim was for her to reach at least the 32 weeks mark, when the baby's chances would be better, though they doubted they could reach 40 weeks and wanted to prepare Rick for the eventuality of a premature birth.

"Already?"

"I'm afraid so. Visiting time is over."

"Okay." He got up and kissed Lily's forehead. "I'll see you tomorrow, and you too little bean," he kissed her swelling stomach and walked out of the hospital. The room may be private, but this was still the ICU, so he still only got 20 minutes, twice a day. But he made them count.

"Here are the new recordings," he gave the nurse two iPods. "I'm taking the old ones to record over." He had made a playlist with recordings of his books and Harry's babbles for Lily. And when he was reading Harry stories, he recorded them so Alex could listen to them, as well as music for both of them. He knew talking to the baby was very important for their development and 40 minutes a day was not enough in his opinion. He had bought bellybuds and asked the nurses to use them.

"Mr. Castle, while playing the recordings for baby Alex is a great idea. The baby really hears you. I'm afraid that Lily can't hear or understand anything. The neurologist was final, she is brain dead."

"You never know," he shrugged. "There are so many mysteries on the brain, stimulation can only be good. Please play them, with ear pods. My books are not for innocent years," he said. "Even in my dulcet tones."

The nurse smiled and he hoped she did. He wouldn't lose hope that Harry and Alex could have at least one biological parent alive. Even if he knew that his wish was pretty impossible to be reached and that each day her body didn't give away was a win, was one more day Alex had to grow in the womb. He already loved Alex with all his heart. He couldn't bear the thought of something happening to the baby. But he was an optimist, right? So, he needed to keep the hope up, even if everyone else had given up.

"Of course, Mr. Castle."

"See you tomorrow."

"Yes, Hum, Mr. Castle."

"Yes."

"I read your books."

"You want me to sign one," he smiled. "I'll do whatever you want to keep the VIP treatment."

She laughed and said, "Maybe, but no. I am a fan. I subscribe to your site and, well, what Black Pawn did… that was rotten. Really horrible. They shouldn't have mixed your personal life with your professional one. And I wanted to let you know that in my family you will have several people waiting for you to figure out how to launch the e-books."

"Thanks," he really smiled. Gina and Paula had not been able to sway the big wigs. Even he didn't manage when talking to them. They cut all ties and he had to make another video, this one explaining and apologizing to his readers for what happened. In the video he promised he would figure out a way to at least make the new books available on e-book and that he was going to finish all the planned books.

He was gutted. He thought he couldn't feel worse than having to let go of Kate, accepting she never wanted to be his and him hers, filing for divorce and packing all her stuff, realizing she hadn't unpacked most of her stuff since the move, never really moved in, and sending it to the vacant apartment that was now hers. Having to use her prenup cheating clause because she moved in with Vikram. But he found out that no, you can feel worse.

Harry was a godsend. At times the little boy and his easy laughter were the only thing that would make him smile.

He felt horrible.

His shrink disagreed.

He said Rick wasn't as bad as he thought. He didn't allow himself to fall in a pit of despair and hide in his bed, instead he was being proactive. Rick rebutted that he couldn't. He had his mother, Alexis, and now Harry, Lily, Alex and Hailey. They needed him. His shrink told him there were a lot of people who were also needed who didn't manage not to let go of everything. To try to make things better. So that was why he wasn't as bad off as he thought and that this would pass. Sometimes he thought his shrink might not be all that wise because he sure felt as if this horrible feeling of his life being sucked into a black hole and not being able to see what was beyond would never pass.

Xxx

Rick knocked on Espo's door a little nervous. He hadn't been in for Halo night since Kate left him, letting the guys know through texts. And he hadn't heard from them since their last case together. The case that brought him to where he is now. He hadn't heard from Kate either. Not even a response to the divorce papers he knew she had been served with.

But Alexis had put her foot down, she wanted to have some bonding time with her little brother, and he needed a night off. Since Harry had arrived a month before, he hadn't stopped one minute. He was taking care of Harry, working cases at the PI firm and visiting Lily twice a day as well as writing. He had grudgingly relented the books at the Old Haunt to Alexis. He didn't think pawning his work to his daughter was right. She should be following her dreams.

_"I am. I really like the PI work and I benefit from the Old Haunt too. So, sharing the load is just fair daddy,"_ she had said. But she was right. He hadn't had any time for himself. To just relax. So, he had brought a six pack, pizzas and several new games he had bought and not played yet. He smiled thinking of when Alex and Harry grew more. They could have championships and teams for laser tag!

"Castle, what the hell are you doing here?" Espo asked gruffly as he opened the door just enough to look out.

"Halo night," he said pointing at his loot.

"What made you think you could still come to Halo night after what you did?" Espo snapped and Rick was hurt but not shocked. Truth be told he was expecting something like this from Espo. He always sided with Beckett no matter what. But he was going to see if he could reason with the man.

"Who's there?" he heard Ryan's voice as the door was opened more so he could see the other man. He hoped Ryan would help him. Ryan had at times joined in the bullying but most of the time he was ok and just didn't choose sides.

"Hey Ryan."

"Castle," Ryan looked uncomfortable.

"I was explaining to this idiot he has no right to come to Halo night after what he did."

"What was that exactly Javi?" Rick asked annoyed.

"You know! Whatever you did that made Beckett dump you."

"Oh, and you know what that is? Because I'm still in the dark."

"Doesn't matter, you must have done something, and we have Beckett's back! She's our friend."

"Funny, I had this stupid idea I was your friend too. Guess I was wrong."

"Look Castle," Ryan started trying to calm the nerves. "You know how things are, when things calm down between you and Beckett and she forgives you, we can all be friends again but until then…"

He couldn't believe his ears. He wasn't the one who needed to be forgiven, she was!

"Well then I guess we'll never be friends again, if we ever were, because I filed for divorce."

"You did what?!" Espo snapped. "You kidding me! You walking out on her!"

"No, she walked out on me," Rick snapped back.

"Probably because of your love babies."

Castle scowled and answered firmly: "Harry and Alex are my brother's children. I had Lanie do the DNA test herself because I knew that if she said the story was true, she wouldn't be lying, because Lanie would have loved to see me upset from my father manipulating me again. So, if you call them my love babies than you are calling your former girlfriend incompetent."

Espo came forward and pushed Castle onto the wall making him drop his bags. "Come on Castle. Fight back, I'm dying to arrest you for assaulting an officer."

Rick got up. He would not take the bait. He could not afford an arrest. Bad enough all those tickets he had been getting for the car that blew up when he was kidnapped that his lawyers were dealing with. Ryan just stood there watching horrified but not making a move.

"I guess this is goodbye detectives. I'll make sure to have my lawyer present any other time we cross paths," and with that he grabbed the bag with the games and left the rest of the mess for his two ex-friends to clean.

Xxx

"You need to report them dad!" Alexis said firmly looking at him. He didn't want to come back in a mood. His babies didn't deserve that, so he went for a long walk before going home. When he got there, Alexis had already fed and bathed Harry and was reading him a story. Rick sat next to both of them and Harry put his arms up so Rick picked him and gave him a kiss and turned him so they could all see the story, which now he and Alexis shared, her the female voices and him the male ones. After Harry fell asleep in his arms and Rick gently put him down in his crib, knowing that wouldn't last – the little boy had woken up crying every night and the only thing that calmed him was lying down with Rick, and if Rick tried to put him back he would wake up. So, Rick had arranged the pillows in a way that Harry could be cuddling to him, but he wouldn't run the risk of turning on top of his baby. He wasn't one to turn during the night, despite his anxious nature, he usually slept all night long on his back, but better safe than sorry.

Alexis was on him in a second, "Why did you cut the night short? I had this. Don't you trust me."

He hugged her and kissed her forehead, "Oh pumpkin, of course I do. Way more than grams," he tried to pull a smile but had no luck. He sighed and told her everything that happened. He was going to tell building management that the detectives weren't welcome anymore, and he had to tell her to not let them into the office, so he knew he couldn't just gloss over the incident. Unsurprisingly she was enraged.

"The only other witness was Ryan and he will back Esposito."

Alexis huffed but she realized he was right. "I can't believe them. No, I can, actually. When you went missing Esposito thought you left on your own and made his opinions very clear. I guess I just expected better from Ryan and…" she sighed at a loss of words and slumped on the couch next to her dad.

"Also turned a blind eye to their doings through the years to be able to believe they were my friends?"

"Yes," she said sadly leaning on his chest.

"Me too. But I'm done with that."

"I'm proud of you daddy. You didn't take Esposito's bait, but you also didn't just roll over. You gave back, and if they don't want to hear. If they are not open to hearing anything other than their opinion, then that's on them."

"Are you saying Dr. Wyatt is worth his exorbitant fees?"

She laughed, "That too, but you're the one doing the work dad. If you weren't, Dr. Wyatt could be the best and nothing would happen. Look at Beckett, how long did she go to therapy for and she still hurts others? She wasn't open to the therapy. She may think she was because she started dating you, but you are right. She didn't open herself up and only came because you left. She dealt with her PTSD, but only that. I remember her saying how she was going there to be a more open person, but she didn't open up dad, at all. She wasn't receptive to what her therapist was working with her. You are."

He nodded. He remembered her telling him she was in therapy as a response to him calling her on her lie and at the time he had been chastened. Like, who was he to be angry at her when she was dealing with so much? But now, that he was dealing with so much, he wonders, why did that give her a free pass to treat him badly? He doesn't think he has a free pass. He tries not to treat people badly despite his troubles. He had asked the therapist and Dr. Wyatt had answered.

_"There is a phenomenon that happens in our culture where someone who is hurt, or ill suddenly becomes a saint, and that because they are hurt or ill all their sins should be pardoned. As you've pointed out that is not correct. A mass murdered doesn't become a saint just because he is diagnosed with something bad. He still killed and would probably continue to kill. We should have empathy, as we say, cut people who are having a hard time some slack. But there is a difference in cutting them slack - helping, allowing them more time to finish a job, or even forgive them when they ask for forgiveness after treating you badly - and giving them a get out of jail free card. _

_"That helps no one. Not the person being hurt, who will continue to be hurt, and not the person doing the hurting who will not even realize they should stop, that what they are doing is wrong. I once heard from someone that you shouldn't say sorry. When two people fight, you both should just let go and continue on as if nothing happened without rehashing what happened. I disagree, because when you say sorry, when you apologize, you are taking ownership of what you did, saying you realize what you did, and will try not to repeat the action. If you don't apologize, how does the other person know you are sorry for what you did? That you do realize what you did is wrong, and you won't repeat the action?_

_"On the other hand, you have the people who apologize constantly. To them sorry is a magic word that makes the other person stop complaining. They also don't realize what they did is wrong and will repeat the action._

_"So there has to be a balance there. I am fond of the concept of forgive but not forget. You forgive someone, because you want to keep them in your life, and you need to move on, or because you want inner peace. But you do not forget, that lets the person know: 'don't do this again'."_

He thought Dr. Wyatt was on to something. He was right in that people thought that when someone was ill or something bad happened to them, they were entitled to do whatever they want. Hadn't he excused much of Beckett's behavior because of what happened to her mother? Didn't she walk around herself as if that not only excused but justified her behavior. Entitled her to treat people badly. And why did they let her? Montgomery, he knew, he felt guilty. But everyone else?

One of Black Pawn's employee had also lost a parent young. He was 17 at the time. His father was the sole breadwinner of the household and he had siblings. He had to start helping his mother with his siblings and with income. He was in high school at the time. His father had been murdered in a robbery gone wrong. The robbers were never caught to this day. He finished school, college, grad school and helped his siblings do the same.

He started working at Black Pawn while he was in his first year of college, barely two years after the fact, and Rick had known him since. He was the gentlest soul you could encounter. Always had a smile for everyone, always helped where he could even if it wasn't his job. In the 15 years he had known the man, he had never once seen him treat someone badly or be brusque with someone.

Before all this refection he had been doing lately, he had never stopped to think that his case was just like Kate's. Granted, her mother was killed in a conspiracy, but she didn't know that when they met, and yet, both these people carried their tragedy differently.

Kate, uses her as a badge that allows her anything she wants, and Frederick carries his within him, as something bad that happened to him and from which he moved on. He always said Kate was strong, but between the two, she wasn't the strong one who didn't let this tragedy control the rest of their life, Frederick was. And that is because she hasn't allowed herself to. Like Alexis said, she went to therapy on this subject, twice but she never allowed the actual healing to happen. She was stuck in her ideas and she would not let anyone change her mind.

Well, he wasn't going to make the same mistake. For years he did. He decided she was extraordinary, could do no wrong and they were meant to be and refused to see all the signs that were contradicting him.

He told himself he had no right to be angry with her because she was healing, had lost her Captain. But hadn't all of them lost their Captain. Rick carried enormous guilt for obeying Montgomery's orders and leaving him alone, and he knew Kate blamed him to. She said so that day in the hospital. They had all been there when she was shot. His Mother and Alexis had to see him try to take the bullet for her, not know who was shot, if him or someone else they loved. Her father, for crying out loud. Her father had seen his only daughter get shot. And yet, somehow, they all acted as if she was the only one going through a hard time. She was the only one who had the right to suffer. They all were guilty of looking the other way, shoving behaviors under the rug and swallowing hurt feelings.

He wouldn't any more. He would face things straight on, even the unpleasant ones. His family deserved better. He deserved better.


	4. Time flies

**Chapter 4 – Time flies**

"Apple pie, I have good news and bad news. Which one do you want first?"

The little boy cooed at him. He was seven-months-old and was not only seating up on his own but making moves as if to start crawling. Rick was so proud of him.

They were both seated on the rubber mats on the play area in the living room.

"Okay, I'm gonna go with the good news first. You are having a beautiful baby sister. Look at this," he showed him the 3D ultrasound that had been made that morning when they were able to find out the gender of the baby. "Isn't she cute? Yes, she is. She is one of the two cutest baby girls in the whole history of the world – no Harry, don't eat the photo of the ultrasound," he exclaimed saving said photo from his baby's mouth. Harry babbled some more.

"Well, the bad news is we're still the minority. There is no upping our numbers. The women still outnumber us and are taking over the world. That is just something that the sooner you accept the better off you'll be."

Harry giggled at him. "Yeah, you say that now," he picked his boy up and planted a kiss and a hug on him. "You're cute and cuddly and they love you, but once you grow up. That's over. They don't care anymore, especially mother. Ever since I first introduced her to Alexis, I'm just a means to an end. That guy who drives her grandkids for her," he nodded wisely and then made a silly face to make Harry laugh.

* * *

"Are you crazy Gina?" he asked over the phone rubbing his temple and leaning his elbow over his desk.

"No."

"You can't just quit."

"As a matter of fact, I did. Right after they let you go. You were loyal to Black Pawn and they weren't loyal to you. I made my reasons for leaving quite clear."

"Gina, your alimony comes from a percentage of my revenue, and while the Haunt brings okay money and the PI firm has started to get a good flow of cases, that isn't even close to what I get from a single book, which is not coming in for the foreseeable future."

"I don't need the alimony," she snorted. "You know that. I was just pissed. Besides, I've had offers for ages, and I actually already took one. They are a smaller house."

"You're going for a downgrade," he asked feeling guilty.

"No, stop interrupting me. They are a smaller house with plans for expansion, and they hired me as editor in Chief to handle the expansion."

"Wow, that's, that's great! That's actually a step up, to be part of that," he said happily. Finally, something was going right.

"And…they want you."

"What?" he asked shocked. No one had wanted him. Paula had gone to all the publishing houses that could handle his books and everyone had slammed the door on her face for the same reason Black Pawn did. They had started talking to a kid Alexis knew about formatting his books to sell as e-books. He had all the files for his books. He couldn't use the translations since Black Pawn had paid for them, but the originals, he could put online for sale.

He had hired Tori to handle the marketplace part of his website and to work at the PI firm. They could use a tech now that more cases were coming in, and she hadn't been able to find a new job since Kate had fired her without notice and then was too busy to talk to prospective employers and give a recommendation. The prospective employers took that as being that something was being hushed. At first, Tori had not wanted to talk to him. Blaming him for his wife's actions. But he managed to convince her that he had noting to do with what Kate was doing and was as much a victim of Kate's one-track mind as her. So, she accepted the job. She had a small child and she and her husband couldn't afford everything on one income.

"They still don't have the capacity to have you," Gina brought his thoughts back to the present.

"What do you mean?"

"Well, your books are sold worldwide with translations, e-books for all the translations, it's quite the logistics and upfront capital you have to put up. They are not ready for that yet. But with the expansion they hope to be ready in a year and a half, two tops. And when they are, they want you. They are willing to sign a never heard of contract before. They want to sign you with the prospect of starting distribution in two years but with the caveat that during that time you can still distribute your e-books through Amazon and your website. And if during these two years you get a better offer you can leave without any fine but if they backout they have to pay a fine."

"That's, that's crazy."

"They really want you and want to prove they're not gonna cut you loose like Black Pawn."

"Do I keep full rights?"

"I'll send the contract for you to study. The changes from the Black Pawn contracts are actually good for you."

"I have the babies, book signings-"

"I told them this and they agreed that book signings will be scheduled at your convenience, totally flexible. And no more need to play the playboy. They want your books. Your public image is yours to do as you please."

"I don't know what to say."

"Say you'll wait for us."

"Gina, you quit for me! This is the only offer I've had. I don't care if they take 10 years, of course yes!"

"I knew I could count on you. And I really wanted to give you some good news after all the shitstorm, pardon the word."

"Aptly put, but yes, we need to police ourselves, little sponge years around. Right, yes, you are the cutest baby boy in the whole history of the world," he cooed at Harry who was playing in the play area of his office.

"You'll give him a big head."

"I'm telling the truth. I always told Alexis that and she doesn't have a big head."

"Eh…I'll give you she is a lot better than most millenniums out there, but she is a bit full of herself."

"Take that back!"

"I only speak the truth. Besides, Alexis herself knows that."

"You're being mean with my baby!"

Gina laughed, "Bye Rick."

He went to sit next to the little boy and started playing with him. "She's just jealous I have all the cute babies. I'm three for three you know?"

Harry babbled some handing Rick his toy, "Exactly," Rick nodded laughing with the little boy. Things seemed to be looking up. Maybe things would get better from now on.

But of course, they weren't.

* * *

"She's still looking into our operation," Caleb Brown said into the protected phone. "We were lucky she didn't manage to find our guy in that overboard murder. That was sloppy."

"Don't worry. Their crime scene is gone, and she found nothing before they reached the end of her jurisdiction. All she has is the traces of heroin," Mason Woods replied. "She might need a reminder to step back."

"Killing her would be easier."

"And get the attention of her ex-husband and his connections? No thank you. And killing him will bring a whole lot of trouble that we don't need. No, I'm going to release the videos of his time with us."

"I thought the whole point of all the charade we went through was to make it look like he left of his own volition."

"No, the whole point was to make sure Castle understood to leave us alone. And he did. I just thought he could control his wife better. But I made sure his interrogations were recorded exactly in case we needed to let them know we mean business."

"Seems like she dumped him and shacked up with the AG guy."

"I can't believe our team didn't manage to take him out," Mason huffed. "No matter. They don't have anything yet and I'm going to remind her of what happens when she sticks her nose in things that are none of her business."

Xxx

"Er, Beckett?" Vikram asked from the door to her office a few days later. She motioned for him to get in and close the door. He did more than that. He also closed the blinds.

"You need to see this," he said worriedly pulling a chair next to her and placing the laptop he was carrying in front of her. Before he clicked the key, he looked at her and hesitated.

"I can just tell you."

"No," she said firmly. "If this has to do with LockSat-"

"Oh, this definitely has to do with LockSat. Er, there has been an influx of hundreds of hours of video on YouTube and they are all dedicated to you with the phrase as the title: _"We can always keep on going Captain."_ The hashtags have your name, Castle's, Jameson Rook, Nikki Heat and any hashtag that might interest Castle fan's. This has gone viral. I tried following the IP but that was impossible and ended up pinging our IP after the labyrinth I followed. I believe that was done on purpose as well as releasing the videos on YouTube instead of the Dark Web. I know YouTube is working to take the videos down but, this is the internet, once something is out there…"

"Vikram, show me the videos already!" she snapped annoyed.

"I'm just trying to prepare you Kate. The videos are time stamped, and with the amount there is, well they cover the whole 2 months period Castle was missing."

"This is about Castle's disappearance? What does that have to do with LockSat? We already know why he left."

"He didn't leave Kate. These are videos of him being tortured for information on your cases and what you knew. You can't identify the interrogator. They managed to very properly disguise his voice and he is always covered."

"Castle wasn't tortured. He was perfectly healthy!" she refused to believe this.

"They used drugs to cause pain. Electricity. They knew how to not leave marks. And about two weeks before he was found they stopped with the physical torture and kept the psychological one. He was kept in a box with the lights and sound blaring all the time. He was fed energy bars, to make sure he had the calories and didn't lose weight, but well. I don't know if you ever tried going on an energy bar diet. I tried once, caved the second day. I had the energy, but I had that sensation of hunger all the time. You know. Your stomach rolling?"

She couldn't believe this. Pieces she had ignored because she was still angry at him for leaving her for two months fell together. Castle went for a physical after he came back, he was complaining of aches. She teased him about getting old. He also ate less than usual in the beginning claiming he was full, and sometimes was sick after eating. She kept admonishing him to eat better and after the physical he did start eating better on Doctors' orders. Apparently, he had what could be the beginnings of an ulcer and had to have a specific, non-acid diet for quite some time.

Eating only energy bars could do that, she thought.

He had also started doing exercises and PT for repeat movement stress on his arms and legs. If he was kept in tight spaces…

He had nightmares more often. Complained about loud places. When they went to that Thai place close to the loft the day they wanted a crowd, he got tense with the amount of noise and they ended up going back home and watching movies while eating the take out they ordered.

Dr. Burke had explained that even if he didn't consciously remember what happened during the two months he was missing. His unconscious could react to triggers.

"They also kept him drugged with a variety of things so he couldn't recognize people and have a looser tongue. That could explain why he doesn't remember those two months," Vikram said bringing her back to the present.

"Let me see."

"Beckett, you don't need to see, and there are so many hours. You'd spend two months here watching. I watched a sample, from the beginning, middle and the end. Castle doesn't seem to have talked."

"That's not what I asked," she said glaring at Vikram. "I said I want to see."

"Beckett, I vomited, and I'm not married to the guy."

"You don't understand! I –" she had blamed him. All of them had. And all the time, he was being tortured for information on her and he didn't talk. "I need to see this!"

"Okay," here. He started playing. You just have to click on the video. I downloaded them all. In case we need…evidence, right. They are in chronological order. I'll give you some privacy."

She was horrified. Castle really tried at times, to hold back the screams but he didn't manage to.

Not long after he came back, he was cooking and accidently grabbed the hot pan but didn't scream or let the pan go until Kate yelled that the pan was hot. He joked that he was very macho. He ended up with burn boils. Was this how he gained pain tolerance? As a cop, she learned in training that pain tolerance didn't mean a person didn't feel the pain. Just that they could function through the pain. Were those aches he complained about really just aches? Was he in pain and felt he couldn't tell her? She teased him every time he left for PT or went to his doctor appointments. She wasn't receptive at all, no one was. She saw the glances and barbs that were thrown his way by Espo or Lanie sometimes because of his missing time. Hell, hadn't she herself used his missing times to shut him about her disappearing?

She couldn't stop watching, like passer byes attracted to a train wreck. She felt nauseous and threw up in her trashcan several times but did not stop. Only when Vikram knocked on the door again did she look up.

"Er, are we going home?"

She looked at the time. Vikram had come with the videos at eleven in the morning and now the clock said seven pm. She hadn't noticed the time pass.

"Are you okay?" he asked closing the door.

"No," she seethed closing the laptop. "We need to catch these bastards."

"Er, Beckett. This was a warning. A very clear one," he said worried. "Of what can happen if we continue."

"I'm not with Castle anymore! He is safe."

"You don't really believe that, right?" he asked bewildered. He thought she was just saying that she left Castle for his safety as a lie for everyone, because well…she was a pretty smart lady. These guys killed his entire AG team because they read a memo and hadn't yet done anything about what they read. She couldn't believe they would leave any of her exes alone.

"Beckett, these guys are very big on preemptive actions. They took Castle right after you arrested Bracken on the off chance you knew something about them. The interrogations ask about many cases, but one thing is constant, what you left out of reports. They wanted to know what you knew of Bracken's dealings but fudged the water with other cases. And they killed my team on the off chance they decided to take action on that memo. No one we know is safe and I thought that was clear. I don't have any family, but you do. I thought you knew you were placing them in danger."

He really hoped she listened to him. He was really spooked and was kind of hoping she'd give up. He had a good job, a roommate so he could afford a nice place. He really liked the New York night scene, way better than DC. And he was waiting the respectable time to pass to hit on Castle. He had told Beckett that he had joined the AG's office to impress girls, but that wasn't the case. He wanted to impress boys. But he worked in law enforcement. He knew how prejudiced this area could be. And he had a humongous crush on Castle and heard rumors that Castle may have experimented once upon a time. He had to try, those eyes, that ass that so very complemented those legs on the tight jeans Castle liked to use, and he was so cool…

"No, I am not. I am keeping them away and they are safe!" Beckett snapped interrupting his daydreams. Well, she was clearly lying to herself.

"Okay, you believed that," he tried another tactic. "But this is them telling you that is not the case anymore."

"All the more reason to catch them," she said firmly. "Let's go, we have work to do." She said grabbing her stuff and he sighed. He should just say no, but he really loved his apartment.

As they left the office Ryan and Esposito hovered awkwardly. They had clearly seen the videos.

"You ok boss?"

"Why wouldn't I be? Get back to work! Last I checked you have several open cases!" she snapped and stalked away.

Vikram just shrugged at them hurrying after her.

Ryan looked at Espo, "We should call Castle. See how he's doing."

"Did she get back with him?" Espo asked curtly.

"No but-"

"Wall of blue man. What Castle went through is messed up, but we still have to have her back!"

"Sure you're not saying that because you're feeling guilty?"

"What do I have to be guilty about?" Espo snapped.

"You gave up on Castle the second you saw that video of him putting the money in the dumpster. You just saw the same video I did. They were watching all of us and made sure Castle knew. That's why he did what they told him to do. I sure am feeling guilty for not having his back."

"We're cops! We followed the evidence!"

"Maybe we should have been friends instead," Ryan said back with a troubled expression.

"You breaking the wall of blue man?"

Ryan sighed because he knew better than to do that. He only did that once and spent two months being the recipient of his colleagues' cold shoulder. Funny thing was, only Castle actually thanked him for going to Gates, and talked to him normally, and complained when he saw other people treating him badly. Even Beckett, who had said she understood, didn't say anything in his defense. "No," he answered before he got into yet another fight with Javi.

* * *

"You shouldn't have watched them!" Castle admonishes Alexis as he hugs her crying form on the couch of the PI office. As soon as Paula called him letting him know about the videos, he called his mother, who was with Harry, to tell her to stay away from the internet. She said she was busy with Harry, but as he came to the reception area of the firm, he found Alexis crying looking at her screen with headphones on. She had seen the alert, she followed any hashtag that had to do with him.

"What they did to you…"

"Is something you shouldn't have seen," he sighed kissing her head and rocking her lightly.

"Aren't you going to watch?"

"Honestly?" she nodded her head. "Not right now. Not before talking to Dr. Wyatt." He breathed deeply and furrowed his lips before starting again. "We are done pretending right?" she nodded again, and he nodded back. "I knew something bad had to have happened. That whole CIA story…I don't care if the world was in peril, I wouldn't have accepted to go with them unless they let me let you know I was fine and coming back. Even if I couldn't say much. We had time to get the car crushed. Go across the globe. I was able to call a mobster but couldn't have left a message with him for you guys? And I can think of several reasons I would place a bag in that dumpster and do exactly as told, including recording those videos. All they had to do was threaten any one of you guys. That photo that couple gave us could be photoshopped. And even in the video I was clear that leaving was not my choice. But no one believed me." He huffed, "If I wrote that in one of my books my readers would have my head, that is such a plot hole."

Alexis chuckled softly.

"But when I came back. With the exception of you and mother, everyone was acting like I left on purpose. I didn't feel I could bring up any problem, any issue related to my abduction. Because I _was abducted_," he stressed the word. "Kate was…I didn't even recognize her. She only started looking at me again like a person and not a criminal after we found out about the fake Jenkings and I was scared Alexis. Someone took me and I wouldn't recognize them…I could be taking the coffee from them at the store. Don't tell anyone, but sometimes, when I went to grab coffee…I panicked. And didn't. Just came back home and made the coffee and put it in take away carry cups I bribed the guy at the coffee shop to sell me."

"Kate found them and asked me about them. I said I didn't know why you had them."

"I didn't want to worry you and mother, and…I honestly didn't feel like I could talk to Kate. But I kept thinking, what if this guy is the guy who took me and spikes my coffee, or worse, Kate's," he gulped.

"I hope you are talking about this with Dr. Wyatt."

"The subject has come up. He says that even though I don't remember, PTSD may be common because my subconscious knows. He also said that the very fact that I don't remember is a violent act that could cause PTSD. Because I was robbed of my memories. He says the fact that I didn't have a major panic attack was a miracle, but he says I did have minor ones. I just managed to rein them in and ignore the signs. He thinks my depression is an accumulation of things that happened over the years that I always shoved under the carpet. So, yeah. We have been working on that. But back to the subject of what they did to me. Remember how I went to the doctors?" Alexis nodded.

"You said there was nothing serious going on."

He shook his head from side to side lightly, "There was nothing irrecoverable. The PT, the meds for the ulcer, the diet. All that helped. But when I went, I asked for a full workup. For them to test me on anything and everything they could think of. The docs were amazed. They said I was malnourished, and I remember I looked at my considerable tummy and then at them with a raised eyebrow. They had done that hair test. You know? Where they check for things in your hair because your hair retains a history of what you put into your body." Alexis nodded. "And they said the test had a lot of commonalities with people with eating disorders, that go off in one of those crazy diets where they only eat power bars or drink shakes. I was missing a lot of nutrients, but I clearly hadn't missed the calories. And you know I like to eat junk food."

Alexis snorted but he ignored her, "But I eat my veggies too. I usually don't lack vitamins, iron, and other stuff in my physicals. I had one right before the wedding and the doctor compared both and he said that my new labs suggested I had spent the two months I was missing on one of those diets. There was also other stuff on my labs. They weren't conclusive but with my symptoms the doctors speculated that I received drugs that could cause pain, may have suffered electroshocks. That the inflammation on my joints suggested both me hanging from my arms as well as being confined for long periods of time in tight spaces."

"How come Lanie didn't find all that?"

"Lanie didn't do a thorough examination. She ran basic labs and did a cursory physical examination. I have studied torture technics for research enough to know a creative mind can cause a lot of pain without leaving a visible mark. But I went deep, on tissue scan, MRI's with the doctors."

"But why didn't the doctors at the first hospital do that? Why didn't Lanie?"

"Sweetie," he kissed his daughter's head. His innocent daughter. "The doctors at the first hospital had bought into the media image that I had abandoned my bride. The doctor that was examining me after I said I didn't remember did the least she could do and told me to stop lying."

"That was unprofessional!" Alexis complained and Rick shrugged.

"I had bigger fish to fry at the moment and had to leave before any more exams could be done by the people who didn't believe me when I said I was hurting because I didn't have any visible injuries. My doctors were pretty pissed with them. One of them called the hospital to get my files and when she saw the lack of exams, she started asking questions and dressing down my primary doctor at the hospital. That was kind of fun to watch," he reminisced, and Alexis was happy that at least someone was on his side.

"As for Lanie. Well, I was alive. She couldn't exactly run the same exams she usually does. But more importantly, she was biased. I was the perp and she was trying to find things to incriminate me not exonerate me. They were all being really good cops," he said frowning.

"She still should have looked better."

"Yeah, but bottom line is, I knew something really bad had to have happened from the exams."

"Why didn't you show Kate and the others the exams? Aren't they evidence?"

"Circumstantial at best. Like I said. The doctors saw little pieces and made assumptions to treat me based on what they had. They didn't have the syringe with the drug. What they had was an already broken compound in my blood and hair. And honestly pumpkin," he sighed, and she looked up at him. "I didn't want to hear that I paid the doctors to fake the exams and the conclusions," he frowned.

"They wouldn't have…do you really think?"

"At the time I really felt they would," he shrugged.

"I have your back daddy," she hugged him tight. "And I believe you. I didn't need those videos to believe you."

"I know pumpkin," he hugged her back kissing her hair.

"You are going to have to tell Grams all this."

"I will. And pumpkin…Don't watch any more of the videos please. You and mother shouldn't have to see that." God, he really hoped he could convince his mother not to watch the videos. No parent should have to watch their child being hurt.

* * *

The conversation with his mother had been hard and she had promised not to watch the videos. He had realized she had been pretty shaken. That night, both her and Alexis slept at the loft and he didn't question them. He asked his mother if she would like a referral from Dr. Wyatt, but she said she already had someone she saw while he was missing. He also managed to convince Alexis to go back to the therapist she saw after Paris.

The news had him on the front page, not just page 6 anymore. Tides had turned and apparently now he was the victim and the gossipers were starting to think Becket might have been the villain of the story after all. Why couldn't they just leave them alone? Why did they need a villain?

A couple of weeks after the videos went viral, Black Pawn came knocking on his door. As well as all the other publishers who had previously told Paula they wouldn't come near him with a ten-foot pole. He really tried to be the bigger person, but he can't deny, at least to himself, that he had an enormous pleasure being the one to shut the door on their faces this time. He was clear with every one of them, he had a deal with someone who wanted him when he was down. They were jury, judge and executioner without any proof and he would not go with any of the publishers who would drop him in and instant if he sneezed wrong.

He especially loved to dress down the Black Pawn owners who had come personally to sign him back on now that he was in the public good graces again.

_"You were small when you signed me up and through all the offers I got, I never even considered leaving you because I am a loyal person. But you're not. And there's a difference between loyal and stupid. So, leave and never darken my footsteps again."_

* * *

"Wha'? Who's there?" Rick asked confused as he answered the phone.

"Mr. Castle, it's Nurse Johnson. I'm calling to let you know that you are needed in the hospital. Ms. Lily's liver is giving out, they need to do the C-section."

"But we're not there yet. We're only at 35 weeks," he said worried getting up and looking at the clock that read 11 O'Clock.

"The doctors know, but there really isn't a choice. Her organs are starting to shut down and if they wait too much the baby will be at risk. Dr. Bell asked me to tell you that Alex's chances are really good. All the exams indicate she was progressing nicely, and she has a good chance of not having complications. But you need to be prepared."

"Yeah," he nodded as he put his shoes on. He had taken to sleeping in sweats and a decent t-shirt since the doctors had warned him that there was a chance they might need to do an emergency C-section any moment now.

He quickly donned the backpack he had prepared with everything for both Harry and Alex and gently took Harry out of his crib.

"I know buddy, but your baby sister is on her way and we need to get to the hospital. I'll call Alexis as soon as we get to the car and you'll be super big sister cuddled while daddy joins mommy on the operating room. Okay?"

And so he did call his girls as he made his way to the car. Martha, who lived closer to the hospital, was actually the first to arrive. Rick did not ask his mother why she was fully dressed and presentable at 11PM having had less time than him to get ready. He knew that he'd been going to sleep early because of Harry but there were just some things about your parents you did not want to know. He handed Harry off and ran with the nurse to get ready.

She explained how the doctors were ready and had already started with preparations and everything and were just waiting for him to take baby Alex out. Before he knew it, the baby was placed in his arms. She was perfect and he felt as his heart was going to explode as he looked at her. He had only felt like this when Alexis was born.

Harry had been given to him without any preparation and while, by the end of the week, he couldn't imagine his life without the little boy, his love had grown with each giggle. Here, he was instantly besotted. She reminded him so much of Alexis too, all red and with few tufts of light red hair in her head. He kissed her softly in the hair. His baby girl.

"Congratulations Mr. Castle. She seems perfectly healthy. She's going to need to stay at least overnight in the NICU, maybe a bit of tomorrow for observation but she does not seem to have any complications. If she responds well, she might be home as early as tomorrow night," the pediatrician told him, and he smiled. He didn't have much time to do anything else as he and baby Alex were being rushed outside because Lily was crashing.

The nurse gently took Lily off him to take her to the NICU while Rick could just watch as the woman who managed to stay alive long enough to give her baby life joined his brother. When the doctors gave up and Dr. Bell came to give him the news he asked simply.

"Can I say goodbye?"

The doctor nodded and motioned him in. There was no need for caution any more. Rick came to the head of the table. Bent down and kissed Lily's forehead.

"You are one of the strongest woman's I know. Thank you for holding on for so long. Alexandra and Harry are in good hands. I already love them as if they were my own and I will protect them with my life. Now please go have fun with James and let him know how much Hailey and I wished we had known him."

He left the operating room, in the direction the nurse told him to go, crying. When he reached the waiting area, he understandably scared his family.

"Richard, what happened?" his mother asked with a hand over her mouth. "Alex?"

He looked up dazed and said smiling as he remembered his little girl, "She's perfect. They are keeping her in the NICU overnight for observation, but the pediatrician doesn't think there will be any complications."

The three women squealed happily as Harry complained in his sister's arms when he was squished in a group hug.

"Then why the long face?" Hailey asked bumping his shoulder.

"Lily's gone," he said simply, and everyone sobered up.

"We knew this would happen," Alexis said sadly.

"I know, but I never lost hope."

"This is a sad and happy day," Martha said. "One life was lost but one life was gained. Both of them should be celebrated, Lily for her courage and Alex for joining us."

Rick nodded, "You're right mother. Today we celebrate. Tomorrow I'll make arrangements for her to be buried were we buried James, next to her husband. But today we celebrate what she fought for."

"When can we see her?" Hailey asked excitedly.

"I – er – I was kind of dazed," he said pointing to the door he came from.

"I'll ask the nurse," Hailey shook her head. She had a new niece. Screw Jackson, he had no idea what he had thrown away.

* * *

A/N: Thank you for the reviews!


	5. Things aren't as she thought

A/N: This is a response to an extremely racist anonymous review that was posted and I deleted. You can skip ahead if you want to. This does not add to the story, it's just a response to a cowardly hater who left me no other means of response.

So, at first, I wasn't going to this, but this was such a good example of how ignorant haters can be that I couldn't pass.

I had an anonymous (obviously) review telling me: "stop writing and go back to picking up bananas you South American N***" that was cut by the profanity filter.

So, to this person I will say, you are absolutely right, I am Brazilian and that is in South America, and that is about the extent of what you got right.

I am a blue-eyed, blond, white Brazilian. Because we come in all shapes and colors, much like pretty much everyone in the world. But I have never picked a banana or anything else in my life. As a matter of fact, in Brazil, I have always lived in metropolitan cities where I'm used to having everything at my fingertips, just by crossing the street. And I do mean everything, the latest technology in the world (Brazil is very well known as an early adapter. I had broadband at home before my mother who lived in Italy -you know, first world country - for 16 years and then decided to come back to Brazil after she retired). Any cuisine from the world just by crossing the street. And public transportation to take me anywhere. We have a car, we share between four adults (a Honda fit I love) and that's because, when we had three, all thee sat in the garage. I kept getting calls from the insurance company because the GPS said they hadn't moved in months. So now, we sold two of them and there's only one sitting in the garage, because the subway takes me everywhere faster.

I have access to any movie, book and tv series from anywhere in the world. I've used online banking since I opened my very first bank account at the end of 96, and that was old news by then, at least here.

As a matter of fact, in my life, the only time I lived in a town where there was no public transportation. Where there were only 4 movie rooms, not theaters, but actual screens. Where I couldn't just remember I needed milk at 2 in the morning and buy some, like I do here, and where I asked the bank if they had online banking and the answer was, no sorry we do not have a website, because they didn't understand what online banking meant, was in the United State of America, State of Wisconsin from September of 97 to June of 98, because I didn't like living in a small town after being used to having everything at my fingertips all my life so I came back.

Well, there was also the matter that in Brazil, we start graduate schooling straight after high school and in the US, they only looked at the diploma and didn't accept I had already learned what they wanted to teach me in Undergraduate College and let me skip by doing tests. So, after talking with a lot of people, both American and Brazilians, all of them said the same. If you come from an education system such as the Brazilian or European ones (which are ones I went to), studying in an American University only makes sense for post-graduate studies such as Masters and PhDs. Before that you'll have to sit again on a lot of stuff you already.

So, I came back to get my degree (not major but Bachelor's) in four years instead of seven. No offense meant, it's just the way curriculums differs around the world. Pretty normal. Each country decides how they divide their curriculum, but think about that before calling me a banana picker.

I fluently speak four language, went to University and post-graduate degrees (all in Brazil). I know how to code in several different programing languages. I have worked in video production and editing, translation, communications, web development and I teach web development. How many languages do you, anonymous reviewer, speak?

My older sister won the Cartier prize for entrepreneurship last year for a project to help people with epilepsy that there isn't any one equal in the world. And they developed it right here in Brazil. My city has two of the best and most advanced hospitals in the world. One in walking distance from where I live and where I do all my health lab work.

Both my parents were Professors at Unicamp, which has also been ranked among the best Universities in the world.

And as someone who has lived in Brazil, Italy, USA (Wisconsin and New Jersey) - and has always come back to Brazil, because honestly, it's the best place I've lived, no insult meant, just personal preference - and has visited Argentina, France, Germany, Greece, Portugal, Austria, England, Ireland, USA and Slovakia. And who has had the pleasure of interacting with people from all over the world, I know, the small town I lived in Wisconsin doesn't represent the whole of the United States, but this person, obviously doesn't know that banana plantations also don't represent the whole of South America. So, just food for thought about how stupid a hater can look when spewing their hate.

And for the reviewer, yes, I am South American, more specifically Brazilian and very proud of it. Which is more than I can say for you since you did not sign in nor specify your nationality, which leads me to believe you're ashamed of your nationality. That's sad. I don't believe there is any place in the world you should be ashamed of. And you know how I know that, because one of the things about Brazilians I am most proud of is how welcoming we are. I live in São Paulo, and every time I go out, I hear several different languages because we welcome people from all over the world. And I for one, am a believer, that we achieved a level of Globalization in human history where extreme nationalism and rejection of all that is foreign is not only not viable but stupid.

For everyone else who sent their support, I love you all!

* * *

**Chapter 5 – Things aren't as she thought**

That next morning, as Castle was introducing Harry to his new baby sister and the little boy seemed to be more interested on the amount of babies in the maternity ward, to which Alex had been transferred after being deemed healthy enough, pointing here and there, in another part of town, Kate Beckett was not celebrating. She had her six-months review and she had strutted into 1PP pretty confident, after all, she was the Kate Beckett. Lauded best detective in the force, inspiration for books and recommended for senator.

Her confidence did not last long at the less than happy reception she got from her former boss and now Chief of Detectives Gates, the Chief of Departments and a Detective from IA, who she frowned at. What was he doing here?

"Captain Beckett, please take a seat," Gates said pointing to a chair in front of the longer table where she and the other two men took seats.

"Do you know why you are here today?" the Chief of Departments asked.

Kate nodded, "For my six-months evaluation of my probation year as Captain."

"And how would you classify your first six months as Captain of the 12th Precinct?"

"Really good," she answered with a smile.

"Really?" he asked, and Gates glared at her.

"Yes," she said confused.

"Well I would classify your first six months as Captain of the 12th precinct as substandard, an embarrassment actually," Gates snapped.

"Excuse me?" she asked shocked

"Do you understand how this evaluation works?" the Chief asked.

"Yes, you evaluate my metrics."

"No, we _also_ evaluate your metrics," he said simply pointing at a folder. "Which as Captain Gates has pointed out are awful. You beat a record Captain Beckett," he raised his eyebrow as she preened, "Of all the Captains of the 12th Precinct, you managed to be the one with the lowest closure rate, and not just comparing the first six-months, where a drop is usual as the Captains get their bearings, but of all the history of the 12th Precinct."

"What? That's not possible!"

The Chief put a finger up to tell her he wasn't done.

"The 12th Precinct, which had maintained a lead position over the last seven years, and had been first for homicides, dropped in all departments with the biggest drop being in homicide. As a matter of fact, the biggest drop was your old team."

"We are all adjust-"

"I'm not done Captain," he said irritated as she interrupted him. "You talk, when we ask questions. Understood?"

"Yes," she said curtly, smarting from the reprimand.

"As I was saying. During your probationary year, your metrics are not all we look into. For the last six-months IA," he pointed at the Detective. "Keeps an eye on the precinct with the new captain. They ask questions to your subordinates, monitor every request you make or fail to make. Now, in the last six months you started by failing to follow protocol when being contacted by a stranger-"

"He gave me an AG distress code-"

"Did I tell you to speak?" the Chief scowled at her and Becket snapped her mouth shut. "I don't care if he gave an AG distress code, you were not an AG employee at the time and therefore had no obligation to any distress code. What you did have the obligation to do was report to take over your command and lead your precinct. If you did believe this person to be in danger, then your obligation was to dispatch officers to check on him. The Captain of any precinct is not a field officer. The Police Department only works if each officer does their job and lets the other officers do theirs. You are not a Patrol Officer, you are not a Detective, you are a Captain. Your job is to manage your precinct. Make sure your Detectives and officers are doing their jobs and being sent where they are needed. Making sure they have the resources they need to do their job.

"Like I said, the first day alone you failed to report, you kept a civilian locked up – and you're lucky your ex-husband has a very smooth mouth and managed to convince her not to press charges or you would have lost your badge then and there – and your failure to send the proper response to this distress call instead of going alone and not telling anyone resulted on another civilian being kidnapped and hurt - that's your ex-husband by the way - several officers shot in a shootout in your precinct, a dead suspect and a media circus."

Kate chose to remain quiet while fuming. She did what she had to and Vikram was alive because of her. She should be commended not reprimanded.

"The only reason you weren't demoted on the spot, was because, well," the Chief gave a sneer, "You're Nikki Heat and you had already managed to attract media attention. So, we decided to give you another chance. And what did you do with that chance? You fired an NYPD employee for absolutely no reason and hired Mr. Vikram Singh, without following procedure, by claiming urgent need because of the vacant spot Ms. Ellis left. Do you know procedure for hiring personnel?" after a moment of silence he snapped. "That was actually a question."

"I have to request the professional in question to 1PP and 1PP will assign me one, except when I am in urgent need, when I can temporarily hire someone, which was the case since the homicide floor was without their technician and Mr. Singh has proven to be very good-"

"You weren't in urgent need," Gates said curtly. "You had a perfectly good tech and you fired her for no good reason."

"That's between Ms. Ellis and myself."

"Actually, no," Gates snapped. "Since Ms. Ellis is suing the department for wrongful termination. As a matter of fact, Captain, Ms. Ellis is willing to drop the suit if you are demoted back to Detective, with the caveat you not be lead for at least two years."

"You can't be seriously considering-"

"The NYPD doesn't allow others to dictate how we manage personnel," the Chief stated. "But a demotion is not off the table considering your performance."

Kate's back snapped into a ramrod position. She could be demoted? For what? She was working harder than ever – the fact that all her hard work was devoted to the LockSat investigation completely slipped her mind.

"As I said, in addition to your questionable handling of personnel issues, not to mention the fact that apparently you and your new urgent hire are living together which stinks of you getting your new boyfriend a job, you also haven't been doing your job as Captain. Requests your people have asked you to make so they can do their jobs aren't being made to 1PP. Reports you should be filing with us aren't being filed. According to your subordinates, coming to you is useless and they have started to manage themselves bypassing you, which explains how you managed not to go from first to last in closure rates. But there are things they can't bypass you for. That need the Captain's signature and you are always too busy, with I don't know what, certainly not your job, to sign."

"Now, I have a question," Gates started when the Chief stopped. "When I talked to you before recommending you for Captain of a precinct you worked in for basically your entire career, I expressly told you that your personal life and grudges had to stay out of the precinct. That you couldn't favor someone or the other or ignore someone due to personal preferences. And you told me you were able to."

"Yes," she nodded as Gates pause seemed to require an answer.

"Then why is Mr. Castle assisting with the 4th instead of the 12th?"

"Castle is what?"

"Not working at the 12th anymore. Considering that according to the investigation, you were the one to give the order that he wasn't even allowed inside the building and should be arrested if he tried entering the precinct, which is overstepping your position by the way, you'd think you remember."

Kate blushed in anger but tried to answer through gritted teeth. "Castle and I are separated, and I did not want him around me."

"Mr. Castle has been a consultant to the 12th precinct for 7 years, and unless he did something as a _consultant_ to warrant letting him go, you should not have kicked him out," Gates said firmly not liking Kate's attitude.

"Like I said, we were separated-"

"What Chief Gates is saying, Captain Beckett," the Chief of Departments interrupted. "Is that your separation had absolutely no bearing on Mr. Castle's continued work with the 12th precinct. While I am happy to see he has taken up the 4th offer, the fact that you kicked him out because of personal reasons is another failing on your part."

"Castle is not a formal employee of the NYPD," she started.

"He is now," the Chief glared at her. "When word was out that he was out for grabs every precinct in town wanted him. Apparently, you are the only person in the NYPD who didn't bother to check the metrics. Your team's closure and conviction rate skyrocketed when Castle started working with you and plummeted every time he was absent. Doesn't take a genius to figure out he was an asset and other precincts have been proposing to him for years. The 4th was just the lucky one, I guess. But Castle insisted he be an independent contractor formally hired by the NYPD through his PI firm, and honestly, we didn't want to completely lose him," he added in an annoyed tone. "Because of your unprofessional behavior, mixing your personal life and your obligation, _again_, let's not forget Mr. Singh, we now have to pay for what we had for free for seven years. Their closure rates have gone up by the way. You know why that is?"

She bit back a retort and shook her head. She couldn't believe Castle would do that to her. Abandon her for another precinct and then make her look bad with her bosses.

"Please explain to the Captain, Detective Brooks."

The IA detective spoke for the first time, "According to my conversations with the officers and civilian employees at the 12th, Mr. Castle is a very curious person and would often ask questions and give out ideas on cases from other teams when he was passing by their boards. While he gave most of his attention to Captain Beckett's former team, he would bounce ideas with the other officers if something got his attention. Many detectives reported that many times a comment Castle said unblocked them and led them to a conclusion or at least new leads, helping them out."

"So, as happens in any collaborative work environment, one person doesn't just affect their direct work but other people's work too," the Chief concluded. "Now, one last remark. In addition to all the job you haven't been doing. Your subordinates, especially the ones who work on the same floor as you, reported that morale at the 12th is at an all time low and that you tend to snap at them more than actually give them guidance. Many blame this on both your bad temper – apparently your rude behavior isn't something new - as well as Castle's absence. Apparently, he was a peace maker and managed to lighten the mood and diffuse fights."

"Castle doesn't like fighting. He believes we should use our words not our fists and that if you descend to shouting you lose half your reason," she said. And that was true. There were many times in their relationship alone Castle would just swallow something so they wouldn't fight. And even when they did fight, he had to be really desperate to raise his voice in anger.

"Well, when asked, your subordinates attributed the accidental shooting that happened between Detectives Esposito and Ryan and their continued fights to both a lack of Castle and an absentee Captain."

"So, you are demoting me?"

"Not yet," Gates said simply. "We will have another review in a month's time. If you don't address these issues and get your house in order, you will be demoted."

"Thank you-"

"Don't thank me yet," Gates put her hand up. "I'm not finished. During that time, IA will conduct a thorough investigation of your actions. While you are not doing your job, you are clocking in. Your security card is being swiped at all hours of day and night. So, what are you doing Kate?"

"I'm working," she said simply.

"On what?" the Chief asked.

"There are open cases I am investigating-"

"Your job is not to investigate," he said bluntly. "We have already addressed that. Your job is to guide your detectives so _they_ can investigate. The machine doesn't work if you are doing a detective's job instead of yours."

"I am a hands-on Captain," she tried to defend herself.

"No, you are not," he said simply. "A hands-on Captain knows what her entire precinct is doing because she is not wasting time micromanaging and doing her detective's job. But we have already talked about this, and I hope, for your career's sake that you actually listened to what I said."

"As I was saying," Gates continued. "There will be an investigation on your actions and on what Mr. Singh has been doing with our computers."

"What? Why?"

"Because my investigation flagged Mr. Singh logging into databases he had no business logging into, as well as running queries when there were no requests for him to do so," Detective Brooks explained.

"He is proactive," she tried to defend Vikram. What if they found the LockSat investigation?

"Well if your _boyfriend _didn't do anything wrong you have nothing to worry about," Gates stated simply. "But if he did, I'd recommend both of you talk to lawyers because a demotion will be the least of your worries. If you have something to tell Kate, this is the time to come clean."

She ignored the boyfriends jab, that just gave more credence to her separation from Castle, and using her best poker face, declared, "We have only been doing our jobs." She'd have to talk to Vikram. Make sure he had been careful. They'd have to change things, to appease the bosses. She couldn't lose her Captain clearance.

"I hope so Kate," Gates said firmly.

"This meeting is over Captain, you will be notified of the next one," the Chief said closing the meeting.

As they were leaving Gates asked Kate to remain behind. The older woman looked at her and said. "This conversation is off the records. This is me concerned about you as someone I've come to care for. I really thought you had grown. That that bullheaded girl who led one of her colleagues into what could only be described as an ambush and then quit instead of accepting her punishment was gone. Do you remember I said I kept an eye on you because you were the youngest female to make detective?"

"Yes, I thought you didn't like me because I beat your record," Kate smiled.

"No, I didn't like you because your evaluations said you weren't ready to be a detective," she said simply, and Kate's eyes bulged. "Oh, there was a lot of potential, but Montgomery greased the wheels to make you detective early and I believe he did you a disservice. I understand now why he did so. He felt guilty, but he still did you a disservice."

Kate was shocked, she had earned that promotion. Montgomery said so. And how could she badmouth their late Captain that way, but Gates continued.

"And from your record and his reports, I could see he favored you. He made allowances for you. All I had to do was talk to your colleagues, and I don't mean Ryan and Esposito. Did you know that most of the people at the 12th thought you were sleeping with him?"

"What? No, never, I worked hard."

"I don't doubt you did Kate," Gates said. "But that doesn't change the fact that you weren't ready. Had he let you continue to work hard and only promote you when you were ready, I believe things would have been much better for you. When I met you, you had a really bad attitude problem. You had no understanding of authority other than finishing your sentences with sir. And while I would love to have blamed Castle for that, the truth is in your jacket. In your colleagues. Montgomery allowed you to be without a partner until Castle showed up against regs. And I wondered why, so I talked to your former partners, and they all told me the same, you didn't listen to them, you often went all hero placing yourself and them in dangerous situations and when they complained, instead of reprimanding you, Montgomery just gave you a new partner until he was out of officers who accepted to partner with you. If he had reprimanded you and made you stick with your partner, you would have learned a lot of valuable and needed lessons. You were a spoiled child and he was the indulgent parent, and that was bad for you, for your growth as a person."

Kate couldn't believe her ears. She was not a child! Castle was a child. Gates was not seeing what Montgomery saw, she just worked better alone.

"I admit having let my prejudices cloud my judgement about Mr. Castle. As the Chief said, just looking at your metrics should have made me realize his value. But I couldn't accept that a non-cop was responsible for those metrics improving and told myself one of you three must have changed something. But over the years I have not only seen he is indeed an asset with investigations, and if you repeat this to him, I will deny having said such things," Kate couldn't help a smile. "But most importantly I have seen how he is good for you. Kate, you have potential to be the best cop out there. You have a sharp mind, you have good instincts, but you have no self-control, and I realized Castle was your self-control.

"He is also the reason you are being given this chance. When he found out you were on thin ice, he came to me, the Commissioner, the Chief of D's and the Mayor to plead your case, that you deserved a chance, a good talking to, but a chance too."

She frowned and continued, "Please tell me you are not overstepping, and you are not running an investigation on what happened with the AG team?"

Kate simply stated, "Why would I be doing that?"

"That is not an answer. That investigation is outside your purview. Let the feds deal with that. If you have been going headstrong into this, stop. Don't throw your career away for something that is none of your business. That has nothing to do with you."

"I am not throwing away my career."

"Yes, you are," the older woman told her sadly. "And you have already thrown away your marriage."

She picked up her things and left the room. Kate stood there fuming. None of them understood. She was the only one who could do this. They would change their minds when she solved the LockSat case and apologize for being in the way. They would commend her. She was sure of it.

* * *

A couple of weeks later, she opened the door to the hotel room. Part of her distancing herself from Vikram to appease 1PP. Vikram had been frantic. Apparently, he couldn't afford his apartment alone. She told him to manage. She had also started on the pile in her inbox the first day, but was soon sidetracked by the LockSat files again, looking for something. Six months and all the leads they had had led nowhere. She turned on the lights and almost fell flat on her face when the man sitting calmly in one of the armchairs, and sipping from a glass of the wine she had bought yesterday, said:

"Hello Katherine, I need a favor?"

"What the hell Hunt! What do you think you are doing?" she snapped at him coming closer.

With an exasperated sigh as if she was being difficult, he repeated, "I need a favor," he said slowly. "Some fireworks might be lighting up in a certain part of town and I need someone inside the NYPD to make sure the police will be absent from the area," he said simply taking another sip of wine.

"What?" she cried indignantly crossing her arms and standing tall in front of him. "I am not going to abuse my position!"

He looked at her with an annoyed frown, "Please Katherine, drop the righteous act, we both know it's just that. After all, I came to you exactly because you will not hesitate to abuse your position and police resources to get whatever job interests you done."

She couldn't believe her ears; he was accusing her of being a crooked cop! Conveniently forgetting that just a couple of weeks back her bosses had suggested the same thing, she once again snapped, "I do not abuse my position."

"Right, so you didn't run your own off the books investigation, and hired your new beau, and gave him access to several databases he shouldn't have been looking at even after Rita told you not to interfere in her operation? Don't get me wrong, you were a tad useful, Mason was stretching himself so thin worrying about you that he made mistakes allowing Rita and her team to go in and dismantle and take over his little operation right after he let loose those videos. He really screwed the pooch there. I was a bit disappointed," he shrugged, "the Mason of old wouldn't have bothered with non-problems such as you and your old AG team, but he was getting really paranoid in his old age. Well, good for us."

In everything Jackson had just told her one thing stood out, "You know who LockSat is?"

"That's been taken care of."

"And why didn't anyone tell me?!" she cried angry.

"Because it was none of your business," he said simply.

"They killed my team?"

"Your team?" Jackson snorted, "You were with them for what? 7 weeks if I am not mistaken. And then neither you nor they ever initiated contact again."

"They tried to kill me and tortured Castle."

Jackson sighed and rubbed his temple, this was becoming more work than he needed, he should have gone to Fraser instead, "If you had followed police protocol, calling a SWAT team to go meet a stranger you had never heard of neither you nor Richard would have been in danger. After making sure Richard understood not to go looking into his disappearance any more with his little CIA mission farce, Mason had no reason to think either of you a threat. Even in his paranoid state."

"You and Rita knew who LockSat was all along!"

"Of course, we knew who was heading LockSat!" Jackson snorted again waving his free hand. "Don't be naïve. Mason had that little drug side project of his running for decades. Long before Bracken even thought of getting into law. And the CIA let him, because it's useful to our government and any government out there. The war on drugs is just to keep them controlled and the public happy Kate, and if you didn't know that, well, I'll be disappointed in you. But around the time Mason was busy trying to extract information about what you knew about his operation out of my son, his clients were also starting to diversify into weapons and countries that were of interest to the US government, and therefore, taking Mason out quietly and taking his place became paramount so that we could get to our target," he explained as if he was explaining things to a very small child.

The attitude only served to get Kate even more riled up. "So, you knew where Castle was all along, and you did nothing?"

"Where, no, who yes. Didn't take a genius to connect the dots. I wasn't worried."

"He was tortured for two months and then had his memory erased!"

"And was returned with all his toes and fingers," Jackson said mockingly. "Mason knew better than to kill or permanently harm my son."

"So as long as he was alive the fact that he was tortured doesn't matter?"

"Considering you don't care if Richard is alive, I don't see why you are complaining."

"Of course I care, that is why I left him!" she cried exasperated. She loved Castle. He was her everything.

Another snort that grated at her, "You'd have to be too stupid to be able to put one foot in front of the other not to know that leaving him didn't protect Richard at all. And you _aren't_. Rita was clear to you, if you got involved everyone you ever cared about was in danger, regardless of where you were. I know, I heard the recording she made of your little conversation. You didn't care you were endangering Richard's life. So once again, get off your high horse. I actually admire you. If you weren't so well known you might have been a good recruit. You don't care about anyone or anything other than getting what you want. And that is great for an operative, because all they need to want is to get the job done. Don't deceive yourself, the CIA is full of selfish people who love the thrill and couldn't care less about anything else. That's what makes us good spooks. And you are just like me."

"I am not! You are an asshole who abandoned your child and then only showed up because you screwed up and then because you needed to use him!"

He looked at her calmly, "And haven't you been using him all these years?"

"I love him."

"I love Rita too, but at least we both know that we're tools for each other. You like to pretend that is not what you do but you are, yes, just like me. You care only about yourself and what you want. I'm proud of that. I mean, Richard was a total disappointment. All that talent wasted on having a _family_," he said the word as if it was disgusting. "But I really thought Hailey and James had promise, instead they chose to follow Richard's path. That was my mistake with Hailey. I had to tell her about Richard to send her to find him when I thought Mason was stretching his interrogation too long. And then she fell all in love with the thought of actually having a family. Well, enough reminiscing my failures, are you going to do what I need or not?"

Kate could just flap her arms desperately. This man was horrible, she was nothing like him! Right? The little voice inside of her started pointing out that he hadn't lied in anything he said about how she acted, but she squashed that voice and snapped, "NO!"

"Great," Jackson huffed, "wasted my time. Don't worry, I have other people who can help. Just thought you kind of owed Rita and I for saving your skin after you screwed up," he continued getting up and striding towards the door. "Oh, you can keep up your investigation if you want."

"You said LockSat was taken down."

"Yes, you and I know that, his clients don't. And if you keep looking it looks like Mason and his buddies are still around."

"You killed them!" she cried.

"What does it matter. Your "team" got justice. Isn't that all that matters…Oh, no, it's not," his eyes widened as realization hit. "Because you wanted to be the hero, oh, my. Now I am disappointed with myself. No, you wouldn't be a good operative, while you do have the characteristics for a good operative, an operative can't want the spotlight," he frowned. "Too bad. See ya," and with that he left, leaving Kate behind fuming.

He was wrong. She didn't want the spotlight. She was doing this because she was the only one who could – except someone else did, the little traitorous voice said – no, that was a mistake, a glitch, she was doing this to keep everyone safe – you know better than that, the voice snorted – she once again ignored the voice. She was keeping everyone safe, she nodded to herself. That was why everything she did was okay and once she was able to tell everyone they would understand and congratulate her on her bravery for tackling this alone and thank her. She was in for a rude awakening.

* * *

"I'm right here buddy, daddy's right here," Harry continued cries for him were breaking his heart. "It's your big sister's idea, this torturizing thing. She says you have to sleep in your crib the whole night," he tried positioning Harry lying down, but he wouldn't stay down. Although he wasn't walking yet, at almost eleven-months-old he was already standing up grabbing on to things and that is what he did while reaching for Rick and repeating "dadadadadada". He couldn't stand his baby's distress and got an idea.

"Ok Harry pie. Let's try this," he put one leg inside the crib hoping the crib would stand his weight. According to the specs it should, then the other. Harry continued crying, Rick sat inside the crib, this thing was not built for someone with his height, and Harry immediately launched himself on Rick's chest and stopped crying as Rick rubbed his back. "That's okay Harry pie," he soothed the baby. He stayed in that position until he was sure Harry was asleep. But when he tried to roll Harry back onto the mattress, the little bugger kept coming back to his chest, making distressed noises. He tried several times to disengage himself with no result. He sighed.

He was in a pickle now, Alex would be awake for her feeding in two hours and Harry wouldn't let go of his chest and Alexis had been firm, Harry had to sleep the whole night in his crib dad! He had another idea. He lowered the bar of the crib so he wouldn't have to jump. Grabbed Harry firmly and left the crib. He procured all the items he would need and put them in the table he had put between the two cribs to form an L, he gently lowered Harry to the crib, who immediately woke up and was gearing up to cry again. In a swift move he grabbed Alex, thanking the little girl for being able to sleep through a bombing, and placed her next to her brother. Harry looked at her curiously without crying. Rick used the opportunity to get into the crib and try to lay down on his back. He had to bend his leg and bring the two babies onto his chest before he could since his shoulders occupied almost the whole width of the crib. Harry didn't waste time and was asleep on his chest. During the night, very carefully, Rick sat up and grabbed the little cooler bag to get Alex's bottle and the rag to feed and burp her. He managed to do so like a ninja and Harry never woke. After the last feed he would be woken only by a screech of:

"What the hell Castle! Why are you sleeping in a crib with two babies?!"

* * *

A/N: I made up the whole six-months evaluation and probation period for Captains. I do not know if they have that. I tried Google but did not find anything. But I believe that a brand new Captain that takes over a precinct should be overseen so I thought Kate would end up being caught.

Don't despair. She is still in deep denial, but we are getting to where she will finally wake up to smell the roses and start working on herself. I am not trying to be cruel, I am trying to build up to that and show how deep she is in delusion.

The scene with Rick I saw on a Facebook video, except there was only one baby girl and I thought, aw, Castle would totally do that and that would be a great 'revelation' scene for Beckett and the babies.


	6. Reality comes knocking

**Chapter 6 – Reality comes knocking**

Early, the morning after Jackson's visit, Kate checked out of the hotel. If LockSat and his accomplices were dead, there was no point in continuing to investigate. She had alerted Vikram on the burners they had bought. She grabbed a cab and went home.

She barely acknowledged the doorman as she went straight to the elevator. Castle would love the surprise. She was sure they could get some naked time before she had to go to work and Castle could come with her and stop this nonsense of working with the 4th. He was especially talented when they had been apart for a while.

She opened the door to the loft quietly hoping to wake him up with a kiss and not the door. As she looked around, she frowned. The couch was new, not her old one Castle had insisted they replace his with when she moved in. She was all for leaving every furniture in her old apartment she was subletting to her cousin, but Castle insisted she needed to bring some of her furniture to make the place theirs. So he brought the couch, her desk that he had put in his office - the only reason they hadn't bought a new bed was because Castle had changed beds after he broke up with Gina and had bought one Kate had been daydreaming about when she took him with her to buy furniture after her apartment blew up – and other knickknacks. But the couch was gone, there was a whole area full of toys and she couldn't see any of her knickknacks.

What the hell was going on?

She went to the room hoping Castle was still asleep but found the bed empty. And she meant _the bed_, because this was not their king-sized bed. This was a queen sized bed, and to top that there were two cribs in the room, positioned perpendicularly to each other, touching at the tip with a square high table forming an L, and a rocking chair in the place of the couch that was in the office and Castle had brought to their room to make room for her desk. Linus was back, their shells were nowhere to be seen as was her jewelry box she usually left on the dresser. And to top off this bizarre scene, one of the cribs was populated by what looked to be a very uncomfortable Castle and two babies, she couldn't help herself, she cried:

"What the hell Castle! Why are you sleeping in a crib with two babies?!"

Rick woke up with a start but thankfully did not dislodge the two sleeping babies.

"Answer me Castle!" she cried again.

"Will you shut up!" he whispered sharply. "You're going to wake them."

The fact that Castle not only didn't answer her, but told her to shut up sharply, surprised Beckett so much she did shut up long enough for him to gently place the babies in the mattress and get off the crib. She could count the number of times he was sharp with her in one hand and still have fingers left, and he had never, ever, told her to shut up. She was so shocked she didn't even react when, with a tablet in hand, Rick grabbed her arm and led her to the living room closing the door to the room.

"What are you doing here? How did you get in?" he whispered furiously.

That brought her out of her stupor and she just said, as if it was the most normal thing in the world, "I'm back."

"You're back," he looked at her as if she was crazy. "And you just let yourself in as if you lived here? You know, I didn't have to change the locks after Gina and I split, she figured out alone that she couldn't just waltz in as if she owned the place."

"Ok Castle, clearly you are in a bad mood, so get a grip. This is my home."

"No, it isn't. We're not married anymore."

She rolled her eyes, why was he being difficult? "Yes, we are. Now you have a lot of explaining to do. Why did you change our home to babysit and who are those kids?"

"_I_ have explaining to do?" he asked shocked. Even after all the therapy, he never expected her to be so…he didn't have words to describe her "Who are my babies? Wow, you really don't care at all about me, do you? The explanation of who those kids are was all over the news. And last I checked we are divorced."

She huffed, really, what was with him today? By now they should have been naked all over each other, "I've been busy, haven't kept up with the news and if you're talking about your plea for attention by filing for divorce, I didn't sign the papers." She had just stuffed the envelope in a drawer and forgotten about them. When she was done with LockSat, they'd talk, and the papers would be forgotten.

"And didn't bother to show up to the hearing or at least send a representative, so the divorce was finalized thanks to that prenup _you_ insisted on in case I cheated on you. Funny how you were the one to activate all the cheating clauses you came up with."

She had forgotten about those. She had been strict. The mere appearance of infidelity would trigger the clause leaving the cheating spouse with no rights to anything the other spouse had obtained during their marriage. They had married with full separation of assets. The spouse would only be entitled to assets obtained after the marriage, not before. She insisted on that to protect her trust fund and she didn't want to have to go to great lengths to prove infidelity if Castle cheated on her. Nor have to deal with him not cooperating. So, she made sure to add that if said clauses were activated, and the responsible party didn't show up to the proceedings, the divorce would be granted.

"What? What did you do Castle?"

"I filed for divorce with a mediation hearing and you couldn't be bothered to show up. Now, I'm not even going to explain things to you since you received the same instructions I did explaining the process. So," he said opening the front door. "Grab your luggage and leave."

"You are kicking me out of my home?" she asked shocked.

"This isn't your home. You have two apartments you got on the divorce settlement. One of them being the one you sublet to Sophia and the other the empty one I sent your stuff to. So those are your homes, but this," he said pointing around him. "This you threw in the trash can alongside our marriage and me six months ago."

"I told you I'd be back," she rolled her eyes annoyed.

"Yeah, and I decided to break the cycle of abuse. Took everything I had, but I did."

"You don't love me anymore? You gave up on us?" she said shocked. She couldn't believe her ears. Not Castle, he'd always be there. She knew that when she left. And now she was back, and he was kicking her out? He actually let the judge go through with the divorce. What was wrong with him?

"_You_ gave up on us Kate!" he said firmly. No, he wasn't going to let her put the blame on him. This was her doing. "As a matter of fact, with how much you hate me I don't understand why you gave us a beginning at all. And love you, I still do," he snorted sadly and shrugged with his eyes beginning to tear up. "You have no idea how much I wish I didn't. How much I wish we had never met. This would be a lot easier if I didn't love you. But you've made the fact that you don't love me pretty clear, and just my love isn't enough to sustain a healthy relationship. I'm going to ask you to leave again or I am calling security."

She crossed her arms and looked annoyed at him. He accused her of being abusive. Who the hell did he think he was? And, of course she loved him. He had to understand that there were just more important things that had to be done. "You wouldn't dare," she said without moving.

Castle sighed and grabbed the telephone dialing the front desk. "High, Charlie. Good morning. Sorry to bother you but somehow you guys let Captain Beckett up without a warrant and she is refusing to leave…Yeah, sorry, I thought that since we divorced that was a given I should have been more specific, only mother, Alexis and Hailey are allowed up without being buzzed in. Can you please send someone up? Thanks."

He had to be faking. He wouldn't have called security. She latched on something he was at fault. "So, you shacked up with Hailey now? You're cheating on me."

"First off, ew, don't be disgusting," he cried with a horrified expression. "And second, even if I was with someone else that would not be cheating and none of your business. We are divorced. _You _dumped me and went to live with Vikram. You're the cheater here."

"I was just crashing at his place."

"Well, you moved in here after we got married and didn't change your address with HR, but the next day you moved in with Vikram you changed your address to his place. I know, because your father made sure my lawyer had that information, triggering your prenup clauses."

Her father did what? She tried to justify, "I'm Captain now Castle. I need to be reachable. Everyone knew I lived with you, there was no need for bureaucracy. Will you stop with the hissy fit!" she snapped.

Hissy fit? Was she serious? Yes, she was, he thought sadly. She fully expected him to just let her back in as if she'd gone to the bakery. He sighed sadly, "You know what Beckett? You've often accused me of being a child, but being an adult means owning up to your actions. Means knowing the difference between _wanting_ and _needing_. Means knowing when not to go for what you want because of how that will affect others and you.

"You have no idea how much I want you, but I know that's bad for me and my family so as an _adult_, I'm not going to just take you back. You are being a _child_. I think you never stopped being one. You have always gone for what you want, screw the consequences to others. Well, if you ever decide to become an adult, you can call me, and we can try to at least go for forgiveness. But I'm not holding my breath, and I'm done dealing with child Beckett.

"You have the potential. There have been few times when I've seen Kate, who could be an adult and be in a healthy relationship. Who could have everything, a career and a family, and be great at both. She's there but you are determined not to let her out. And, I can't, I just can't deal with Beckett anymore. Beckett almost killed me."

He was freely crying now, and she had no idea how to answer all that he said.

"Mr. Castle," came from the open door and Rick hastily wiped the tears off.

"Hi Joe," turning to Kate he pleaded, "Please don't make a scene."

He had called security. Who was this person? Where was her Castle? Who was there for her no matter what? What happened to Always? The last thing she wanted was to be dragged out, so she grabbed her bag and left being accompanied by Joe till the front door of the building in silence. What was going on? And her dad helped in the divorce? Why? She called a cab and went straight to her dad's."

* * *

"Look at you, my cutest baby boy in the world. You slept the whole night in your crib, good boy!" Rick cooed propping Harry up and kissing his cheek as Alexis and Martha came downstairs for breakfast. They had moved back in temporarily to help with the babies. They took turns being the person who woke up several times a night to feed Alex. Last night had been his night. He was thankful that his debacle with Kate hadn't woken them up earlier. As Alexis looked at him suspiciously, he added:

"Yes Alexis, he slept the whole night in his crib. Just like you said. Such a good boy. Slept through the whole night. Didn't even wake when I fed Alex," he gave Harry another quick peck on the cheek which was responded with a giggle.

"And where did you sleep?" Alexis asked calmly sitting down at the breakfast bar and crossing her arms.

"Hum, what now?"

"See dad, the interesting thing about all those cameras you installed to control Tracy is that they keep a recording of a month worth of feed in the cloud. Before coming down I posted what you call 'Harry sleeping the whole night in his crib' on my Facebook and Instagram feed, it's gone viral," she spread her hands wide and Martha chuckled as she took her grandson from her son.

"What? Alexis!"

"What, you take recording of cute stuff Harry and Alex do all the time, why can't I? And it's Ferberizing not torturizing. And it's good for him! All the books say so."

"I never torturized you and you came out okay!" he defended. "I gotta go see if Alex is up and I need to check my feed," he said hastily dashing to his room and the other two shook their heads.

"Don't worry honey, your father may be overprotective, but he is not overindulgent. After all, you didn't get the candy that time you held your breath till you passed out. Your dad ran you to the hospital. Kept checking there was no damage but did not give you that candy."

"But the books say-"

"The books say a lot of things that when you are faced with the real thing you can't do. Your dad knows what he is doing. I know we like to joke you raised him but that is not the case. Your dad knows what he is doing. Don't let his joking nature deceive you. Richard knows exactly when to be serious."

* * *

"What's this Katie?" Jim asked as he came to his living room when he woke up. He found his daughter sitting on his couch with the mother of all scowls and a suitcase standing in the middle of the living room. She had clearly let herself in with her keys.

"You helped Castle divorce me?" she said as a greeting. He had actually hoped this confrontation would have happened months ago.

He sat down with a sigh and looked at his daughter seriously, "You made no contact after he served you with the papers and Rick was worried about railroading you, so he asked me to look into the divorce for you. I tried calling you, but you wouldn't meet me over the last six months, always busy. And every time I tried bringing the subject of your marriage up you cut off the conversation."

She opened her mouth, but he cut her off with his best _"you are in so much trouble young lady"_ voice that had her staying put until he finished.

"As I was not hired by you, I was not able to represent you formally in the proceedings, but Rick insisted I look over the papers and his offer. I actually think he was too generous and told him so. According to the prenup _you_ insisted on, you had no right to anything. He set up another trust fund for you that will see you comfortably for the rest of your life even without the trust fund you already have or your salary. And two good apartments in the Manhattan area. One, the one you lived in, and that apparently Rick owned, you'll have to ask him about that. And another one he bought now, that is close to the precinct. I helped him pack up all your stuff – not that that was difficult, apparently you never moved in completely – he also transferred the deed to the car you use to you. Had you sent someone to represent you, they would have given you all the paperwork. As is, I have everything and was waiting for you to finally accept one of my many invitations to the dinner to give them to you."

Once he was done talking, she snapped, "So what? Why did you both betray me?"

"Watch your tone. Neither of us betrayed you Katie. You allowed yourself to fall into your addiction and ignored everything around you. Both Rick and I actually tried to protect you, so that you came out of this with the best result possible. But you can't expect him to not have done anything."

"Yes, I can! What I was doing was important!" she stood up to tower over her father, but he did not permit that.

"No," he said matching her move. "What you did is go for your bottle. Now sit-down young lady, because we have a very important conversation to have that you are not going to like. You are going to sit there while I tell you a story about your mother and then, when I'm done, you can talk so we can see how you fix your life. Don't think I don't know in how much trouble you are at work. I have contacts."

Kate sat down crossing her arms as a petulant child and Jim prepared himself for what was to come. He followed with the story he told Castle and how he realized, when he was dealing with his addiction, that Johana had an addiction too. Kate had tried to protest saying her mother was perfect. How dare he say such things about her. Jim did not stop. He reminded her of occasions when Johana was gone, when they were fighting, of all the activities in Kate's life she missed because something was more important. He reminded her of that time she met her mother in town when she was a teenager and told her exactly where Johana had really been. And he finished telling her he saw the signs on her and couldn't really blame Rick for what he was doing, because he wished he had had the same courage, because Johana might have been alive today if he had stood firm and forced her to see she had a problem.

That had been met with Kate storming out of his house and slamming the door. Jim sighed, hoping something filtered in. He knew from experience that everything he just said would only be really absorbed when she had that one moment that made her accept she was an addict, and remember everything that was said. So, right now, all they could do was not back down and say their peace.

He pondered on her demeanor and realized she was close. Her whole world was crashing down on her. He just hoped she woke up before she couldn't fix her world any more.

* * *

"Can you believe them? None of them understand that I had to investigate LockSat. They all say I have a problem!" she rants as she takes another swig of her vodka.

Lanie looks at her from the other side of the booth of the bar they'd chosen. "Don't you?"

"What?" Kate asked as if she had been slapped. "You too Lanie? I though as my best friend you'd be on my side."

"I am. But I'm starting to realize that being on your side and saying Amen to everything you do are two very different things. This is the first time in six-months you've called me. And only because you have a problem. You've given me excuse after excuse of why you were too busy for girls-night over the last six-months. Maybe I needed a friend during those six-months. Maybe that time one of my friends came to me for a DNA test for his brother's babies and Hailey, not because he trusted me, but because he thought I'd delight in his suffering. Maybe I felt like a real shitty person then."

"I, what, I was busy with the case-"

"And let everything else fall to the sideways. Everything. Did you go to Castle to support him when he found out he had a brother and a sister, and his brother was brutally murdered? When he found himself an instant single father to his niece and nephew? When the papers were dragging his name through the mud accusing him of having those babies with a lover? When Black Pawn dumped him? When the videos of him being tortured to get information on you for two months came out? And don't think I haven't realized that can't have been the only reason, after all, keeping you busy looking for Castle instead of looking into Bracken's business must have been another benefit. Or did you miss the fact that Castle was taken a week after Bracken was arrested and released two weeks after Bracken took the DA's deal and pled guilty? Did you call him in any of those occasions?"

"No," Kate shook her head sadly. At least she now had an inkling of who the babies were. And she couldn't help but feel relieved that Hailey was his sister and not lover. She understood his reaction now. And she realized she should have understood earlier. Jackson had mentioned Hailey and a James.

And Black Pawn had dumped him, why?

"Neither did I, because I thought I was being a good friend to you. Because I thought that if you left him, you had to have had a good reason and instead you left your husband to run after something that was none of your business-"

"If I didn't investigate, who would?" Kate tried defending herself.

"The people you just told me who actually got them," Lanie deadpanned. "Who you said you knew were after them. Kinda like Castle did for his brother's case. Did you know he doesn't know and will never be told what really happened? But he's not out there running leads on a fed's investigation. He's trusting the feds will bring whoever killed his brother and sister-in-law to justice even if he isn't informed."

"Well, you didn't call him either," Kate shot back.

"You're right. And I thought of that many times over the last five months. After he told me why he came to me for the tests. But I didn't have the guts because I realized I fucked up big time. Not just this time. But when he was found, and many other times when I supported you blindly because you were my best friend and I had your back no matter what, instead of using my brain and deciding for myself. That one's on me. I can be angry at you for lying to me, but I should have not allowed you to influence my friendship with someone who has always been a good friend to me. Ryan and I have been talking a lot about contacting Castle lately. You'd know if you hadn't been so busy. Ryan says you only talk shop with them. Ryan is another coward. Afraid to go against Javi and be shunned at the precinct again."

"Ryan and Espo haven't seen Rick?" Kate asked quietly.

"They saw him once after the Compulsive liar case. Castle tried to join a Halo night but Espo kicked him out. Literally. Ryan told me he pushed Castle on the wall trying to bait him to fight back and get arrested for assault on a police officer."

"What?!" Kate roared angrily. Espo tried to hurt Castle!

"You heard me. Espo insists he was having your back and Castle deserved it for whatever he did to make you leave him."

"He didn't do anything!" she cried. She really thought the boys would have his back. She didn't know. And about his brother. She was telling the truth. She lived and breathed the LockSat case. The only thing she did that was not related to LockSat was her exercises, to keep in shape. Most of the world events she knew about was because Vikram made a comment. And other than to ask about what Castle liked, he didn't bring Castle up. Especially after he had the gall to ask her if the polite time had passed after her separation and if he could ask Castle out. That was right after the videos came out. Vikram was wondering if she wouldn't mind if he invited Castle out to see if he was okay and if things progressed from there and she had to set him straight.

_"But you left him!"_

_"I did not! I went away to protect him! He is very married to me!" she had snapped back._

_"I just mentioned this to you, leaving was not protecting him. And you're too smart not to know that. So, what's this? You don't want him but no one else can have him? I think I could be good for him."_

_"He is straight and married!"_

_"I heard rumors he experimented-"_

_"And realized he was straight," and hadn't she been shocked when to shock him, she mentioned her college experimentations and he just said, _"Me too,"_ with a delighted smile. _"Can't say categorically you don't like something without trying right? But yeah, not for me, even though Matt had a great body, and was very creative-"_ she made him shut up there._

_"Vikram, I'm going out on a run and when I come back, I'm going to pretend this conversation never happened so we can continue to work together."_

Had Vikram known all this? Probably.

"Kate, honey," Lanie brought her back to the present. "I'll say this as your friend. You need to do some serious soul searching, because what you've spent the last six-months doing is not okay and you have a lot to make up for."

Yes, Lanie was right. Now she understood why Castle was so angry. She was so involved with the case she missed all those things happening to him. She would apologize for not having his back. Yes, that would fix things.

* * *

"Hey!" she said, and he jumped scared.

"What the hell Beckett! Where did you come from?" he asked as he closed the front door of the building where the PI office was.

"I've been waiting to talk to you, alone. That's pretty hard. Every time I've tried you've been with someone."

"Yeah," he said with a blank expression. "I am a busy guy, so talk."

"Can we go in?"

"No, Alexis and Hailey are going through the paperwork of our latest case, making sure I didn't miss anything."

"You, doing paperwork?" she tried to get a laugh out of him, but he kept the stony expression.

"My firm, my paperwork."

"Yeah, hum. Look. I get it. Why you were so angry. I wasn't there for you-"

"No, you weren't," he said back. "And I could have really used my wife when deciding to adopt two children. Not that there was much of a choice, but that's the kind of thing a married man shouldn't have to decide alone."

"Yeah, you could have called me?" she tried to defend herself.

"How, exactly? You weren't taking my phone calls and the desk sergeant had let me know that if I showed my face at the 12th I was to be arrested."

She winced at that. She had gone overboard there. But he was insisting on trying to win her back when all he had to do was wait.

"That was wrong. But I just needed you to stay away so I could investigate LockSat without putting you in danger."

"Now here is the problem, to believe that, I'd have to think you were stupid and I don't think you are," why did everyone keep saying that? "I may even believe you may have told yourself that, but you knew, deep down, that that wasn't true. So, stop bullshitting me Kate."

"I'm not lying, LockSat was dangerous and-"

"The mere fact you were investigating put all your family in danger. That's me, your father, mother, Alexis, the Ryans, Lannie, your Aunts, Uncles and cousins, Maddie, Espo, hell, even Demming, Sorenson and Motorcycle Boy. If you wanted us safe, you would have not started investigating."

"That's not true. By me leaving-"

"Kate, stop lying," he held up his hand shaking his head. "To me, to yourself. I don't want to hear anything but the truth from you. I'm done with the lies!" he said fisting his hands and pacing to calm himself. "You went after LockSat, which was none of your business, and didn't care about anything and anyone! I was the one to make sure we had protection."

"I didn't see…"

"Because I don't just hire anyone Kate! I've had all of us being tailed by professionals who can make sure they are not seen and can spot a threat a hundred miles away. The same professionals who started tailing all of you once I went missing and my safety protocol was triggered. When I watched the videos with Dr. Wyatt," Dr. Wyatt had said he should watch a few of the videos to know what happened with him and be able to work through the trauma. "I saw them showing me live videos of you guys and I recognized my guys. Why do you think I didn't talk? Because I clearly knew you were safe. Or else I would have sung like a canary and nothing, I really do mean, nothing you left out of reports wouldn't be reported to them. I wish I had them before that. But even with Bracken, I was stupidly confident we were safe. But I've had that protocol for years. Vetted the guys myself. And then I had to call your exes Kate. To let them know they were in danger and offer them protection. None of them accepted, but you know how humiliating that was? But I couldn't live with myself if they were hurt and I had done nothing. Even after the boys and Lanie made their position clear I kept their security detail. Didn't tell them. Know they wouldn't accept. So, stop with the lies. You left because you wanted to, not because you needed."

Kate was speechless. She had not even thought of getting protection for anyone.

"I lost everything when you walked out on our marriage. I lost you, I lost my career because Black Pawn needed to be seen taking the woman's side, I lost my will to live and I ended up hurting my family with my depression," he was in a roll and couldn't stop now. "I was sure I had to have done something for you to shut me out that way. That I wasn't enough. Like Bracken said. Like you said all those years ago, right? Funniest kid in school and not enough," he laughed sadly. "You think I didn't know that? That I wasn't enough for Meredith not to cheat, for my mother not to dump me in boarding schools I had to work hard to keep the scholarships for, for my father to choose me instead of the country? That I wasn't enough for Kyra to stay, just left me with an 'I'll call you' and the next time I saw her you were by my side. Saw that again with you, except instead of years you only left for 3 months. And don't think I don't know you only came back for the files. I'm not that stupid. Would you have ever called me again? I'm betting no."

"Of course-" she started but he cut her off.

"Not enough for you to acknowledge I loved you until you had nothing left. And to say back you loved me until you thought you were about to die," tears were running down his cheek, but he needed to tell her all this. She needed to understand what she did to him. "Not enough for you not to shop the next player and not enough for you to consider taking me with you to DC, because you didn't, did you Kate? Not until I offered. You never considered asking me. For years I tried my best to show you I loved you and I could be enough, but I never was. You said you had walls, but those walls were there just for me. You let every other man close. Sorenson, Demming, Josh, Collin Hunt for crying out loud. Why? Because I went on a few dates? We didn't sleep together Kate. As a matter of fact, we weren't dating because I hired her. She was one of mother's student and I was hurt. I thought you didn't love me back and were embarrassed. So, I hired her to show you I could get over you, and the next day you are going out for drinks with Hunt, and I don't want to know what else, because I went out on three meal dates."

"We didn't have sex," she said remembering how close they came, but Hunt had been the one to stop because he thought she was using him because of Castle.

"I didn't ask. My question is why I was expected to wait for months having to be given front row seats to you and Josh and Demming in celibacy but you can't wait a second, or actually fight with me and tell me you expected me to wait because you heard me. No, you give up. Took me a month to give up with Demming and try to get over you and I only did because you looked happy. You were going away with him and that is a big step in a relationship. That meant you were serious about him, so I tried to move on too. And I was shot and arrested for that, because apparently, I don't have rights in the Castle-Beckett- sorry, that's Beckett-Castle right? – relationship.

"I know I imposed my presence on you Kate, but you gave back. As a matter of fact, you antagonized me from the second you decided to question me."

"You were a suspect-"

"No, I wasn't," he shook his head. "You had absolutely no connection between me and the victims. I was a person of interest. Someone you had to interview to see if any of my fans could be the killer. You had no reason to march into my launch party with a police escort and bully me. I know that because we've," he said pointing at both of them, "treated actual suspects and murderers with more respect and discretion. Did you know Black Pawn fined me for your little performance?"

"No, why would they-"

"Because I was in breach of the image I had to portray. You arrested me in front of cameras. What did you think was going to happen?"

"I – you were a suspect-"

"We've already established I wasn't and that we have treated suspects better. NO Kate! _You _had something against me since before we met. And it couldn't have been the book signing where I first saw you because I was polite-"

"You remember that?"

"Yeah," he nodded. "I do."

"You never said anything."

"You clearly didn't want people knowing you read my books, so I was waiting for you to say something. And I gave you plenty of opportunities to come clean. But that's not what I am talking about here, Kate. You were aggressive towards me from the get-go. And then, when I used my connections to work with you – and that was wrong, I wish I hadn't-"

"No! You can't say that," because she had been honored when he had chosen to base a book on her, and he was helpful. But she couldn't let him know that, at the time.

"That was wrong. But you flirted back Kate. One second, you'd flirt with me and the next second, you'd shoot me down, threaten to shoot me or break my legs. If you hadn't flirted back on that first case Kate, I wouldn't have come back. I'm not some crazy stalker who believes someone who said 'Good morning' once is deeply in love with me. You flirted back! And then we worked together, and I would get signs that you saw that I loved you from the start, but then you'd start seeing someone, or tell me to go on a date when I asked you and all I wanted was for you to say "No Rick, you can't go on a date with miss number because you're mine" and then you get pissed off when I go out with miss number. I open my apartment to you, everything is going great, we have movie nights, I make a stupid comment about how you could have that forever and the next day you are leaving my guest, private room for Lanie's couch. What am I supposed to get from that? I got rejection, so of course when Ellie seemed to think I was worth at least some casual sex I said yes. Because to you, I wasn't good for anything. Not for a relationship, not for casual sex. You got pissed again and I ended things with Ellie just for you to fall on Demming's arms. Push me away for a month of barbs, humiliation and making me sit out of our interrogations so Demming could join you. That's when the two of you aren't making out in the middle of the precinct – funny how with me, you don't allow me to even hold your hand there, _'It's unprofessional Castle'_ \- Then I leave, because who wouldn't? And I'm a moron, because I decide to come back after my book launch, but we meet before and you arrest me before asking what happened Kate."

"You had a gun-"

"I've lost count of the times you talked an armed guy down and I was putting the gun down when Ryan shot me. And thank God I had ducked to put the gun down or he'd have hit me. Yeah, I know, no one cared, after all, I'm not a cop. Who cares if I get killed by a trigger-happy detective who is shooting me because I committed the sin of having some self-respect and leaving when the fact that I was not wanted was made abundantly clear to me?"

"I cared and I wanted you!" she said desperately. He had to know that, right?

"You have a funny way of showing you care. But I came back, like a dog who gets hit and comes back for more. And for a while I tried with Gina, but I ended things because I wasn't being fair to me or Gina. And then I stood months of Josh, seeing you hold him and walk out with him even after we almost freeze to death and I thought you were about to say you loved me, but I must have been clearly mistaken," she shook her head vigorously because she had been about to confess her feelings. "And then months of believing you hadn't heard me but knowing I couldn't tell you I loved you again. Not being allowed to be upset or be going through a trauma because the woman I loved had been shot and died in front of me, and then disappeared into the woods. Did you know I had nightmares that were so vivid that some days I would wake up convinced you had not survived. That the dream was me talking to you at the hospital. I'd need for someone to remind me you were alive, or later on to see you at work to shake the feeling. I thought I was going crazy. A text from you could have helped with that. But no, only Beckett suffered right? Only Beckett lost her Captain. And then when you came back, you were very clear about my rights, I wasn't allowed to want anything until your mother's case was over. Until you decided.

She kept shaking her head. Of course his suffering mattered. She hadn't known. She hadn't known he had nightmares.

"Because everything was when Kate wanted and needed, screw what Rick wants and needs. And then I won you by wearing you out, I can see that now," she shook her head again and whispered 'no', he won her because she loved him. "I made you think you loved me more than whatever reason you had for hating me. For not trusting me. So, every single time there was an excuse, there you were ready to grab it with all your might. You allowed two murderers to make you question our relationship. You allowed Vaughn to kiss you," as she was about to say something, he held his hand up. "You did Kate, because short of tying you down and pointing a gun to your head no one gets to kiss you if you don't want to, and even then, they'll come out very bruised. I know. I tried kissing you for four years before you allowed me to, and Vaugh managed in four hours. And he was all those things you used as an excuse not to give me a chance. And before you mention Cristina Cottera, you'll notice that the reason you found her on top of me on the couch when you opened the door is because she tripped me there as I was trying to get _away_ from her not leaning _towards_ her. And I remember clearly you got pretty pissed with that. Put me n the dog house for a while, but was I allowed to be angry at you or did you just snap at me as if I had no right to be upset?"

"That kiss meant nothing-"

"That's not what I asked, and that kiss meant everything Kate. You know what kiss meant nothing? The one I gave Serena Kay so you wouldn't get caught. When we weren't even together and for all I knew you didn't know I wanted to be kissing you, not her. And yet, once again, you got to be upset and send me to the dog house. But you and Vaughn, Kate. That meant you were looking for an out."

"You had been playing video games-"

"Yes! Because I play video games!" he cried slapping his hand in disbelief. "Because I felt comfortable enough with you to play video games when you were around thinking you wanted all of me, not just prepped and ready to go Castle! Because I wanted all of you Kate, the made-up Kate and the I just got out of bed, don't have make-up on and my face is mushed Kate. I wanted forever and you can't do forever if you have to constantly be at attention. So yes, I played a video game, with a real human being on the other side and I hesitated before hanging on that human being's face. I don't know how you didn't go off and marry Vaughn I was so awful!" he spat sarcastically.

"Okay, I get, I overreacted. But that's what I'm saying-"

"I've overreacted many times in our relationship but never, since we've been together, have I believed us having a fight excused me allowing something to happen with someone else. But maybe that's just me because neither you nor Meredith seem to have the same problem."

"Are you seriously comparing me to Meredith?" she asked angrily.

"Neither of you was committed to the marriage."

"I was, I just needed some time-"

"Marriage isn't something you can pause, Kate? You don't place your marriage on the shelf until you want to play again. Either you are married, and you share your life with your spouse the whole time or you're not married. Or do you consider yourself married to Rogan?"

"Of course not!"

"I know," Rick nodded. "Because marriage is every day Kate, not a piece of paper or a promise of someday. What happens when the next case comes and you have to choose again? I'll tell you, you won't be choosing me. Because I have never been your first choice, I don't even rank last. If someone came around and offered you a lollipop, you'd chose the lollipop and dump me even if they said you could have both."

"That's not true!" of course he was the most important thing in her life, he knew that! Except everything he was saying said he did not know that at all.

"That's what you've done from the start Kate. You choose something else, then that something else doesn't work out and suddenly you want me again and I come back, then something shows up and we start the cycle again until I almost killed myself," he finished spent. He had never wanted to tell her what happened that day with the bus, but Dr. Wyatt had told him that if Kate didn't face all the consequences of her actions, she would never change. And all he could do was tell her, and what she did with the information was on her.

"What?" she asked gasping. "No, you didn't. You couldn't-"

"One day, after I left the precinct. After you once again shot me down. Told me you needed space and didn't want to see me but wouldn't tell me why, I almost walked in front of a bus that was coming. I thought, who'd care?"

"I'd care!" she cried desperately.

"Everyone would be better off-"

"No, we wouldn't!"

"I was just in the way."

"No, you weren't, I love you," she said moving forward and grabbing him by the lapel of his jacket with tears running down her cheek.

"Do you?" he shrugged. She nodded needing to hold him and feel that he was still here.

"Doesn't matter. I didn't take that step and I looked for help. And that help has helped me see two things Kate…this can't go on," he frowned shaking his head. "This isn't good for you or me. And I can try and try till I'm purple Kate, but you don't want this, and so we're never going to work."

"Yes, I do," she said crying. "I do. I love you. You come first. You are the most important thing in my life."

"No, I'm not," he said sadly pushing her out and gently loosening her fingers.

"Kate, you need help. You didn't just throw _me_ away in your obsession. You're this close to losing your career," he said pinching his thumb and forefinger. "Go back to Dr. Burke. Go figure yourself out before you get yourself killed. Please. I love you. I want what is best for you. And accepting you back as if nothing happened is not what is best for you. But you need to want this. For you." He pulled out his phone and sent her a picture.

"I first looked for help in a group for the families of Compulsive Liars."

"I'm not-"

"I honestly don't know if you are a compulsive liar, but you do lie a lot, to everyone. Yourself included. And not just the big stuff, stupid stuff too, that there is no reason for you to lie about. I've sent you an image of their flier. There are groups for the Compulsive Liars. Just go Kate and see if you recognize something. Please. All we want, your dad, me, your friends, is for you to be happy and you keep torpedoing your happiness."

"If I go, will you talk to me again?"

"Kate-"

"Please."

He looked at her firmly. He still loved her, but he would not give in. He was not taking her back. He was not going back after all the work he did. He was still working on himself. He realized he still had a lot of work to do for his self-worth. Some of the things he said showed that, but they had come out as if they couldn't be locked in any more. He was completely honest with her. And being completely honest with himself he knew he couldn't just let her crash alone if he could do something to help. But he would not open himself for hurt again. "If you go for at least a month and take this seriously. Really open yourself up for the treatment, I'll meet you for lunch in a month. But if I see that you are not doing the work Kate, that's going to be our last meeting. And I meet you as a friend Kate…I…I can't go there again…I can't survive another romantic relationship with anyone again."

She understood. He had built his own walls. She had done this to him. To the most loving man on earth. She had made him close himself to love.

"I didn't cheat on you."

"What?"

"Vikram is gay, he's got a crush on you, and even if he wasn't-"

"I'm going to stop you there. You may have not had sex with him but when you left me, kept secrets from me that you shared with him, you did cheat, just not physically. And about him having a crush on me…well, he's delusional, because even if I wanted to go there again, I hate his guts. I know that's irrational. That you're the one who went to meet him. But he made the call and then my world crashed. I can't stand that guy."

Kate nodded. She could count on the fingers of one hand how many people Castle actually hated. Up until now there had been two, Bracken and Jerry Tyson. Now he added Vikram. Once again, she made this loving man do something he normally would never do. Dislike someone, yeah. Get extremely annoyed by someone, Pi, yeah, but hate. No, hate he didn't usually do.

He hailed a cab for her, and she went back to the new apartment. The apartment was close to the precinct and was everything Kate would have loved. All her stuff was there, and he had added other furniture so she could just move in. The note he had left with her things said she could just donate said furniture if she bought something else. The note also explained that back when she was looking for places, she kept turning down reasonable places because of the price, despite her trust fund. She liked to try and keep all her fixed bills under her salary. So, afraid she'd end up in a dump, he had bought an apartment he thought she'd like through one of his companies and had made sure the lease was under what she would have liked. He had been right on the spot and apparently all the rents had been deposited on an account that was now hers. He had done this not to control her, but because he knew she wouldn't accept his help and he felt responsible for her other place blowing up.

Once there she sat on the bed and took her computer. She had some catching up to do.

_"Dad, what are you doing?"_

_"Showing him how to crawl. Did you know that babies have those funny crawls because they are trying to imitate us but don't have the motor function yet? I saw that on a documentary on Netflix. You could help instead of taking pictures."_

_"Oh, I'm filming this. Harry will want to see this when he grows up."_

_"Meanie. Okay, pay attention on daddy Apple Pie, you bend your legs like so, and then you put your arms like so. And you go, one leg, one arm, other leg, other arm…or you can slither around like that. That's cool too. At least the floors will be clean."_

Alexis had posted that on her Facebook page.

XXX

_"I learned today I had a brother. Yes, I said had. Because I also learned **today** he was murdered. I do not know the details, nor do I believe I have to tell you them. My brother and his wife left two children behind. A five-months-old boy and a little baby who is still in their mother's womb. My sister-in-law is in a coma and all we can do now is hope she holds on long enough to deliver._

_I've seen a lot of crappy stuff being said about these babies. And when I left earlier for the hospital with my boy, I was assaulted by paparazzi and flashing lights who were not affected by the cries of the infant that they were scaring._

_You can say what you want about me, you can say I'm a three-time-loser. That I gave Kate reason to leave even though I am as much in the dark about what those reasons are as you are, and you can say what you want about my books._

_But I will not allow these children to be harmed more than they already have. So, I'm done being nice guy who is just trying to weather the storm and let you guys find your next scandal to blow out of proportion. Any and all mentions of my children will be met with the full extent of the laws protecting minors, understood?"_

The video had been initially posted on Castle's fanpage and his public twitter feed but had been forwarded many times. Apparently, people took him seriously. After the video they were still speculating about the separation, but no more mention of the babies was made.

XXX

Article after article about their separation. A photo of her entering Vikram's apartment building with him. News that she had signed a lease with him – which she had made sure to be only in his name after she stopped sharing the apartment with him. Accusations that since he had been the one to be dumped three times there had to be a problem with him. No, there wasn't. He was the best husband she could have ask for. Rehashing of his other two divorces, Meredith's cheating – hum, she had left that out of her souffle story – and how Gina had been the one to ask for the divorce.

That one Castle had explained to her, of his own volition, so she wouldn't worry about them working together. They were really good friends, Alexis was growing up and he thought she needed a mother, Gina was being pressured to settle down by her family and they both believed that what they had could become love. But he couldn't help but be overprotective of Alexis and she felt constricted in the marriage. And that led to fights and more fights. Rick had wanted to go to a marriage counselor, but Gina had enough. The second time around, Gina had just broken up with her boyfriend and Castle was trying to get over her. Once again, they got together for the wrong reasons and once again, they broke up for the right ones. Except the second time made them realize that there was nothing they could have done to make their marriage work and the anger of the divorce gave way to bring back the friendship they had.

XXX

_My babies_, was the caption on a picture of Alexis cradling baby Alex and Harry on her lap while seated on that new couch, and smiling brightly, on his feed. From the day before, on Alexis's feed, Castle is singing softly and rocking baby Alex back and forward in the maternity ward. You can see the besotted look on his face and on the video's caption: _My baby sister, six-hours old. She's doing great!_

She could have been there. They could have had that moment together. She had dreamt of the moment they became parents. That same look on Castle as he cradled their child and walked towards the bed where he gave her a kiss. They could have been parents together again. She could have helped Harry to learn to crawl, she thought as she saw the video of him crawling. Or the look on Castle's face when he started saying dada (well, more of a constant repeat of the syllable da, but they got what he meant). There was a video on Castle's feed about that. And starting solid foods. All of Alex's sonograms were posted. Alexis dancing around the loft with the little boy. Castle helping him to 'walk' and a black and white picture of Castle and both babies sleeping on Castle's bed. Even the reason why he was on the crib the morning she found him. She couldn't help but laugh. That was such a Castle thing to do. There were pictures with her dad, Hailey and Martha too, but they all had the same theme. The babies. Her dad kept posting new pictures. There was one with him and Harry all decked on baseball gear and on the comments a funny bickering between her dad and Rick about baseball. Rick finding baseball boring and her dad pointing out Harry had a great throwing arm.

Between Castle, Alexis, her dad and Martha they documented all those babies' milestones and she had missed them all.

XXX

_"I am sorry to announce that Black Pawn has severed all contracts with me. I know you guys were expecting a new Nikki Heat and Storm books on the shelves in a few weeks but that will not happen. And for that I am sorry. I wrote the books. They have been edited and they were ready to be sent to bookstores all over the world, but because of events on my personal life Black Pawn feels they can no longer represent me. All Richard Castle books distributed by Black Pawn are being recalled from bookstores as we speak. From my understanding, those who already bought Back Pawn e-books will still have access to them, but they will not be available any more for new purchases. I believe Black Pawn was going to automatically refund the pre-sales but if you weren't refunded, I'm leaving their contact number below. As the party who terminated the contract, all refunds are their responsibility." _

And he emphatically pointed down to a number flashing on the screen that was repeated on the comment section. Good for him, she thought. Let Black Pawn deal with the backlash.

He sighed sadly and looked lost,_ "I'm really sorry my personal life affected the books. You, my readers, have nothing to do with my personal life and shouldn't be affected by if I'm enough to keep a wife or not," _there he went saying he wasn't enough again. She did not like that but had started to realize she was a big part of why he felt that way._ "But you were. So, I make a promise here. Like I said, the two next books of the series are ready. I need to get my footing back and figure out how to self-publish," _he couldn't help a snort_, "but I will find a way for you guys to know how the story goes," _he smiled sadly_. "I am writing the next book and plan to continue writing. I'm a writer. I have always been. If I don't write I start annoying my family, more than usual," _he really laughed here_. "And as long as someone is reading my rambles, I will continue to write and find a way to get my books to you. So, thank you to all my readers who have posted well wishes and support."_

He genuinely smiled here,_ "I was really down when I got the news from Black Pawn and a part of me thought maybe they were right. Maybe no one would want to read my books any more, but you proved me wrong. Yes, there have been some loud people out there yelling for my blood because of my divorce, but these last few days you showed me they are just that. Few and loud. That there are much more people who enjoy my books in usual silence than there are noisy haters. That you care about the story and not my personal problems. And for you I will do my best to get the story to you. And on that note," _he gave an impish smile and Kate knew he was about to do something someone would hate_. "I was never allowed to say this while I was in contract with Black Pawn, but I write fanfiction! Yes, take that Black Pawn. I write comic books and Harry Potter fanfiction when I figure I would have written something different! Hah! My penname is HogwartsMe, got the pun? Yes! That's me! There you go Black Pawn!" And he finished by blowing a raspberry. _

Not very mature, but she could understand the instinct and couldn't help but laugh. She was pissed at Black Pawn. Why would they let him go because she left him?

She had really messed things up, and the worst part was, she had been completely oblivious to all the hurt she had caused. She willingly insulated herself so she wouldn't see anything other than what she wanted. Castle wouldn't have let her do that. Castle would have argued against investigating LockSat. Was that why she left? Because deep down she knew Castle would give very strong and reasonable arguments for her to let LockSat be and she didn't want to have to either give in or leave anyway. So, she convinced herself she was protecting him to feel better about what she was doing? Castle, Vikram, Rita, her dad, Lanie and Jackson had all pointed out that the mere fact she was investigating put everyone in danger and that she was smart enough to know that. So, if she knew that, why did she convince herself otherwise? Was her dad right?

She picked her phone and called Dr. Burke.

* * *

A/N: Yes, she got there. Now she has to put in the work, but at least she has smelled the roses. Thank you all for your reviews!


	7. Learning and Changing

**Chapter 7 – Learning and Changing**

"Captain Beckett, do you know why you are here today?" the Chief of D's asked. She was back in that room at 1PP facing the same people. Except this time she felt like a different person. She had started seeing Dr. Burke daily, and had participated of a few meetings. She knew she was just starting, but she insisted on the intense therapy with Dr. Burke because by the time she called him, she had little over a week before this meeting. And she needed to make decisions. They talked a lot, went with a fine comb through her entire career and her relationship with Castle and they had all been right. She had done all those things. She was trying to understand why because she did love Castle, but for some reason she had been okay with hurting him and she didn't want to be. She never wanted to drive him to such a dark place as he'd been. That was her rock bottom. When he told her he had contemplated suicide. The thought that she'd lose him forever, and that she was to blame.

"Yes sir, we are here to evaluate if I corrected my behavior as Captain and I am here to tell you I am not ready to be Captain."

All three occupants of the other side of the table stared at her in surprise.

"What are you saying?" Gates asked cautiously.

"Everything you said was correct. I have not been performing my duties as a captain. I was running an off the books investigation into the murder of my old AG team."

"Captain Beckett, that was not your purview," the Chief said firmly, and she nodded.

"Exactly, I see that now. But I was blinded by my need to be the hero and the danger the investigation involved, the thrill, and I hurt a lot of people in the process," she stated simply and the other three just let her continue. "I have started going to therapy again, and I am not saying this as an excuse or a justification of what I did, just as an explanation of how I came to realize how wrong I was. I've realized I have a problem. I'm addicted to that feeling I get when I go rogue and end up uncovering some conspiracy and become a hero. And during my time as Captain I fell to this addiction. Again, not an excuse. Everything I did I chose to do; I could have chosen to not let my addiction win.

"But I did and all I cared about was the LockSat investigation. I let my duties go, I did not solve conflicts in my precinct, I allowed my subordinates to bully others…"

"You mean the several amounts of traffic fines Mr. Castle has gotten over the last seven months?" Detective Brooks asked. "Including for a car that is in our evidence warehouse."

"Yes," she nodded. And boy had she been angry when she found out. Everyone pointed out she knew, after all, that had been standard procedure for every time she was angry at Castle and she had not only looked the other way but sometimes encouraged the behavior. Castle was right. If she hadn't been angry at him for things that were not his fault when he came back that summer, they would have never shot at him or arrested him. They would have checked his story first. She took ownership of her mistake but pointed out what Lanie had pointed out. Her wrong didn't make theirs right. So, one of her final acts as Captain was to give a week suspension to every officer who had abused their position, like she had, which included Espo and Ryan. Ryan hadn't been happy but accepted. Espo had been furious and had stormed her office:

_"I was having your back and you punished me!"_

_"You were not having my back," she said simply. "Castle was your friend and you shouldn't have taken sides."_

_"I always take your side even when the fact that you are in the wrong is clear and you have never complained."_

_"And not saying anything is on me. Not trying to stop you. But you just admitted that you did so even when you knew I was wrong. If you knew I was wrong, why didn't you say something and not bully Castle?"_

_"Because we're cops and I'm loyal."_

_"Castle is loyal. He is a guy who even angry at you, even after you treated him horribly, he still made sure you were safe. Did you know you've had a security detail on you since I started looking into LockSat?"_

_"No, I don't!"_

_Someone cleared their throat behind them and a janitor she didn't know well waved at them. Great, they were in her precinct and she hadn't known!_

_"There! Castle kept you safe from my actions and you didn't have his back. There's loyalty and blind following Espo. You need to learn the difference and you need to own up to your actions."_

_"This is all Castle's fault. Did he report me? The cowa-"_

_"No, he didn't! And the coward is the one who hits someone so they can arrest them if they defend themselves, and no, Castle didn't tell me this, Lanie did. I am working on myself and I know I have a lot to work on, but you need some serious therapy too."_

_He had snorted offended and stalked out of the office, slamming the door in a statement. She would leave a note for the next Captain to keep an eye on him. The Chiefs had been right and there were individuals who were aggressive towards others and she had done nothing. Espo was one of them. While he had had problems both with Gates and Montgomery, they seemed to be able to reign him. But from all the complaints she had looked at the last week, he had been they main problem in the floor and had been escalating._

She had also informed the precinct of her decision.

"I have addressed the issue. I hope 1PP does not add to the punishment. While their actions were wrong, they were also caused by my poor leadership."

"We will take that into consideration," the Chief of D's said. "I hope they know that from now on, thanks to all of the overturned tickets he got, we are at a point where there better be solid proof of any wrongdoing on his part if we ever need to charge Mr. Castle with anything, since he has a strong case for police persecution."

"Yes, sir. I did tell them that when explaining that was not acceptable behavior. Hopefully, the next Captain will keep a better eye on them."

"You understand you just confessed to misusing police resources."

"I did. But I'm sure you already knew that."

"Yes," Detective Brooks said. "A thorough investigation of both yours and Mr. Singh's movements and use of NYPD resources shows that. The good news is, you seem to have only been doing your investigation and nothing illegal. But that is already grounds for termination."

"I take full responsibility for that. Mr. Singh was following my orders and asked me to stop the investigation on several occasions. I hope he can keep his job."

"Our investigation merits at the very least a demotion, which you seem to want," the Chief of D's said.

"I don't want a demotion. I am resigning."

"Excuse me?" Gates asked shocked. "Kate, we have talked. And like I said, with the proper guidance you can be a great detective."

Kate smiled calmly and said, "I know. But that wouldn't be good for me. Or, even for you. You are right. I abused my position, not just as Captain, but as Detective. I had no regard for my coworkers and placed them in needless danger. I do not take this decision lightly. I've thought and discussed this decision a lot with my therapist. But like I said, I'm an addict, and working at the bar can't be good for me."

The Chief of D's nodded. "Against my better judgement - I felt you should be fired - we were going to demote you back to Junior Detective. Captain Gates, the mayor, the commissioner, your ex-husband," she winced here, because this time she knew they weren't buying a farce, he was her ex-husband, "all advocated on your talent, your potential. But to be perfectly honest, I wasn't comfortable with you coming back because I saw in your jacket what you are saying. You're an addict to the thrill. A prime example of that was a botched undercover operation you went into a couple of years ago. When I went to ask the Detective in charge why they chose you, since there were other officers who were used to undercover ops and who spoke Russian, do you know what he said?"

"Something along the lines of I would jump at the offer regardless of the danger."

"Yes," he smiled as she nodded. "He said he knew any Captain he approached would have reservations and would offer to back their officer to not participate, he needed someone who would go against the captain's reservations because of what he felt was an urgent opp. I saw on the file that at the time, Chief Gates did indeed record her opposition to the op and that she had informed you. That was just one, more recent example, but you are right. There are many in your jacket. And that you have come to that decision yourself actually raises you in my opinion."

"Which wasn't very high to begin with," she winked.

He laughed and said, "No, but this gives me hope. You have however served this Department for almost two decades and you have brought many to justice. What we can offer is to make sure your partial pension will be available when the time comes for you to retire and for you to be released from the force with your current rank."

"I don't believe that would be fair. I was a crappy Captain."

"I know," the Chief added. "But right now, you are being an excellent one. Putting the well being of your officers and precinct ahead of yours. You could have taken the offer and placed other officers in danger. But you didn't. For that act alone, I'm willing to let you go with your rank. People screw up Kate, may I call you Kate?"

She nodded.

"People screw up all the time, but it's their ability to learn from that screw up and change that defines us, not the screw ups. That's what our whole correctional system is based on. If not, we should just kill the criminals, because there would be no chance for them to change. I believe in the capacity of people to change, I base my career on that belief, and I can see you are changing. It's not going to be easy. You have a lot of work ahead of you, but if you persevere, as Chief Gates said, you can be great in whatever you chose to do."

She nodded thankful and added something, "I am willing to apologize to Ms. Ellis for firing her."

"You should," Gates said. "Don't know if she will be receptive but we settled. She was correct, she was wrongfully terminated and nothing we did to you would change the financial troubles she went through because of that. I have also personally written a letter of recommendation explaining how her termination had nothing to do with her work and what a good professional she is. Too little, too late. When the bell has been rung, it's hard for it to be un-rung. There's a big chance prospective employers will see my letter as part of the settlement, but we did all we could. I hear she is working for Mr. Castle's firm now."

"I didn't know. I'm glad to hear that. About Vikram."

"He's on probation. His movements will be monitored for at least a year, but if he comes out well of that year, he will be able to stay in the job. We couldn't let you stay in the NYPD and not him. You are right, you were his ranking officer and he was following orders."

"Thank you," at least she hadn't ruined yet another life. She had found him a roommate too. She realized how insensitive she had been when she left him hanging.

* * *

The rest of the month was like none other Kate had ever experienced. She did not have work to go to and she honestly was in no hurry to figure out what she wanted to do. She had income sources and no need to rush. She could first figure out herself, to then figure out what she wanted to do.

She kept going to Dr. Burke three times a week and discussing everything she did and why she did it. Dr. Burke had taken the kiddies gloves off. Where last time he would dance around a subject and let her come to her conclusions, this time he would not let her change subjects or give vague answers, at her request. He had requested her file from 1PP and they had gone through every case, every incident, every complaint and praise. To see what was valid and what wasn't. To think, why she took this action or that. Where she had been wrong and where she had been right.

He had asked her to write down the story of her relationship with Castle, not leaving anything behind. He said, "Don't worry about structure. Write your story and how you felt at the time. Why you did what you did." She had taken days of doing just that. She had a lot to write. As she wrote she kept remembering things she had forgotten, from so long ago.

Then, when she was done, and she thought they'd go through everything, he told her, "Now, I want you to transpose everything you wrote but changing the roles, and I want you to add your feelings and thoughts on what would have been Castle's thought, Castle's reaction but now are yours, because Kate is the one in the receiving end of the actions. How other people's reactions would have changed if roles had been reversed."

She had done so thinking nothing would come of that. Writing the story, she thought she had a clear picture of where she went too far. She found out she didn't, at all, because she had justified her actions so many times. But when she had to write the story again seeing her name as the recipient of the actions, she started getting furious with several things she had justified. She realized that if that had been her, she would have killed him and hid the body and no jury would convict her, and that the boys would have helped, that the Captain would have kicked him out, that he would have been arrested on occasions, and yet he didn't complain. He just came back, again and again and she wouldn't have come back even after the first case. She had railroaded him at the launch, and she could see now his actions towards her where defense from a bully. She'd seen him doing it several times to other bullies and yet she had never connected the dots, because to her, she wasn't a bully. So, he had to just be annoying, right? No, wrong, so wrong. Suffice to say she and Dr. Burke continued to talk a lot.

She had also joined two groups. The Compulsive Liars Anonymous and one for addicts to Danger, on Dr. Burke's recommendation, and she recognized herself in several of the stories. She felt depressed at times, about all the hurt she caused. But then someone would tell her how they had overcome their addiction and now had a healthy and good life and that gave her hope.

She also started having lunch with her dad a lot and opening up about the sessions and how she was starting to try and make amends, even though that step was a bit ahead in the program. Her dad cautioned her that making amends wasn't about being forgiven but owning up to her actions and accepting that some people would not forgive her, and that wasn't their fault. They weren't being unreasonable.

That was the case with Tori, she had gone to apologize but Tori had not accepted:

_"You put a stain on my career that people don't want to look past. I've even sent copies of Gates's letter to the people I had reached out for before and they politely said no. They know about my law suit and obviously think the letter is part of the settlement and that there is something wrong with me! If not for Castle I wouldn't have a job. So, no Beckett, I don't forgive you and I hope the gang here manages to set him up with someone else. He deserves better."_

That had been a surprise and when she asked her dad he had answered, "It's been seven months Katie, we want him to move on. It's great that you are working on yourself, but doesn't he deserve happiness too? The mark of true love is that you want the happiness of the person you love more than yours. That's why he backed down with Demming and Josh. Can you do the same? If you're meant to be, Martha, Alexis, Hailey and I can introduce him to all the prospective candidates, and nothing will happen. Like nothing has," he mumbled, "and I had a really good one. His age, divorced, two kids, DA I used to work with. Smart, funny, gorgeous-"

"Okay dad! I get the gist!"

Could she, just be happy for him? She didn't know.

She had also retaken girls-night out and gone out with Ryan, Jenny and Lanie for drinks, and was working on trying to be more balanced. She realized that Lanie had been right. Most of the times they met before was to discuss Kate's problems. That seemed to be a recurring pattern with her with everyone. Castle, Lanie, the boys, even her dad. So, she was making the conscious effort of always asking about what was going on with them too.

She tried talking to Esposito a few times, but he had been furious at everyone. Her for leaving the force, Castle for his imaginary fault with Kate (and no matter how many times Kate explained the situation and how she was the one who lied to everyone, Espo was insistent on putting the blame on Castle), with Ryan for being given a new partner and even Lanie, who apparently called him to task about his treatment of Castle, Ryan and pretty much everyone else.

Dr. Burke had pointed out that much like her behavior was caused by her unsolved problems, Espo had the same problem, and until he decided to get help, no one could help him. Going through the story she wrote, where there had been many appearances by the gang and Castle's family, he pointed out that Espo had also shown animosity towards Castle from the start, except his animosity seemed to stem from the fact Castle was rich. As if that was something that made him a bad person. And that in interactions in later years, Espo seemed to continue making comments as if Castle couldn't know hardship because he was rich, even after knowing that he hadn't been born rich and he and his mother had actually been through a lot of tight spots growing up.

Dr. Burke said that was a very common problem around the world. At the same time where we have a competitive, ambitious culture where everyone has to aim for success and money, we disdain those who actually managed to get there or are born with that privilege. As if they were bad people because they were rich. And that seemed to be Espo's problem as Dr. Burke pointed out several occasions when he acted in such manner not only with Castle but with others. Castle to him was just a contradiction, he was Espo's friend, and Espo liked him, but he represented everything Espo hated. Granted, Dr. Burke made sure Kate knew this was all supposition from a third-party account. But the bottom line was, she did everything she could. Now, much like everyone had done everything they could for her, but she needed to be the one to be open to the fact she had a problem and willing to change, he had to do so to.

* * *

"You were something I shared with my mother."

"That's kind of weird, but okay," he said slowly rocking back and forward in the swing with Alex making pleased noises. Harry had a day off with his big sister, no idea what they were doing. Big sibling day. Alexis was loving that.

They tried to schedule times when each child had an adult's undivided attention as well as shared time. So, he had come to the park to walk with Alex and had sat on the swings with her in his lap. Not long after, Kate sat next to him and he had asked? "Stalking me again?" to which she had blushed but not responded instead starting with the statement above. They hadn't seen each other in a month, and he had thought she had given up on contacting him for that lunch meeting. Jim had told him that she had been seeing Dr. Burke seriously and that he was very happy with her progress and new attitude. But that didn't mean she wanted to see him again. Maybe she finally realized she didn't love him.

"She loved your books. She was hooked from the very first one and followed you avidly. And she forced me to read one. I was in an entitled phase where I 'claimed' to only read serious literature. Claim being the operative word. But she straight out ordered me to read "In a Hail of Bullets" if I wanted to keep my allowance. And just like her, I was hooked.

"We would wait for new releases, discuss the books. After she died your books were somewhere I went to hide from the pain. Her case was open, but Dereck Storm always caught his guy. You saved me way before you were knocking down doors in burning buildings, and I hated you for that."

"Now see, that makes more sense," Castle said simply and then made a funny face to Alex who giggled.

"How does that make any sense?" Kate asked looking at him confused.

"I represent a hard time in your life."

"But you weren't at fault. You had done nothing wrong and I was aggressive towards you. Went to your party and purposely made a scene when I normally wouldn't have!"

"You don't like showing weakness and I was a weakness, so you made sure to use what you had at hand to show your strength over me. I'm not saying what you did was right. Sorry, no. But understandable. And if the reason you did that is understood, you can change, and try not to do that again," he shrugged.

"You still did nothing wrong and you kept saving me after we met. Literally and with coffee or a joke at the right time, so I wouldn't drown, and I hated you for that, and I loved you for that at the same time and you paid the price having done nothing."

"If you had told me about the books and your mom, we could have worked things out so you wouldn't mix me, with my books. It's just like I keep saying, you are not Nikki Heat. Yeah, I get inspiration for Nikki from you, but you are not her. Just like I'm not my books. They are something I do. Ideas I have. But they are not me."

"I know, but I didn't. And instead I got all jumbled up and even I didn't understand myself. I was so happy when I was with you, and I hated that I could lose control that way and I ended up doing just what you said. Grabbing any excuse to sabotage our relationship. But not because I didn't love you, because I did, I do, so much…but because I refused to let go. To accept I had no control over things. That there was any input other than mine that was needed."

"None of us have control over life, Kate! We do things, and they are a ripple and the best we can do is hope, guess what's going to happen. But none of us have control over pretty much anything. Look at this," and he tickled Alex's stomach and the girl laughed. "I wanted her to pass gas, so she won't have colic. Instead she laughed."

"Ew, Castle!"

"It's perfectly normal for babies to pass gas, Kate. But my point is, even with something like this, you can't control. Maybe next time I'll tickle her for a laugh, and she passes gas instead."

"I know that now and I hated that, so I did my best to sabotage myself so I would end where I told myself I would, alone. You are right. I never shared my life with you because if I know the end-result is alone, why share? Because if I go and ask a question about what I should do to you, I can't control your answer. So, I assume your answer. I assumed we would never work and let other men get close who I didn't care for, so I didn't have to risk the unknown. And when I did begin a relationship with you, I looked for everything that proved I had been right all along instead of giving you a chance. But I don't want to be like that anymore. I want to be a person who shares and doesn't keep lying just so I won't share the more miniscule details. Someone who can see farther than her own belly button when making a choice."

"Then you work for that. Baby steps. Next time your first instinct is lying, don't."

"Next time I go to the grocery store buy what you like?"

"Uh?"

"Dr. Burke told me that. He said that all this insight in why I did this and that is great, so we can work on the issues, but the moment we make decisions is instantaneous. All of our issues play a part on why we choose to do something, but we don't actually stop to think 'I'm doing this because of that'. All of that is factored unconsciously at a speed we don't even notice and that in the end is what we call instinct. But that we've built our instinctive responses over years and we can change them. So, he told me to buy things you would like when I went to the grocery store. Or think about what the other people eating with me would like, before placing an order for the office. To start building the instinct of thinking of others."

"Nice idea," Rick nodded. "Growing up I had to help mother a lot, so maybe that's why thinking of the people I love when I am doing something is instinct for me. Ever since I've known myself, there was someone I was taking care of. Dr. Wyatt says my problem is that I need to learn a balance between myself and others. I put myself second too much, but I also can't go straight to the other end of the scale where I think only of myself. That that is how family relationships are. One moment we do what benefits one person and the other another person in the family. And that the problem arises when one person is always being benefitted and the other is always being overlooked. I'm trying to do that too. It's hard. Especially with the babies, they require a lot of attention, but with my family's help I think I'm starting to manage."

"I think we both need to meet in the middle. I need to learn to think more about you and you need to learn to say no to me more often. And on that front, I had an idea," she said uncertainly.

"An idea?" he asked slowly.

"I'd like to know how you felt. How I made you feel."

"I've told-"

"You dumped a lot on me that day, but we haven't really talked. I want to understand. From your perspective, how I've hurt you. I talked with Dr. Burke and he gave me names of couple therapists."

"Kate, I told you. I'm not ready for anything other than friendship."

"Not even with Ms. DA?"

He chuchled and shook his head, "Our parents mean well, but no, not even with Ms. DA. With anyone. I - I just can't put myself out there again at the moment. You don't understand how much I was hurt."

"Exactly, I don't. I've only thought of potential things that could hurt me and then I ended up hurting you and myself because of my actions to avoid that potential pain and I want to understand. So that I don't repeat myself. So, I can try to fix this."

"I don't know if this can be fixed."

"A smart man made me realize that if you don't try, you can't know," she said looking at him pointedly.

He looked down at Alex who was still having the time of her life just rocking back and forth. He sighed deeply and said, "Let me think about this."

"Okay," she nodded, and they stayed in silence for a while. After they were rocking there for a while, with either one making funny faces to see Alex laugh, Kate took out something from her pocket and extended her hand to Rick.

"What's this?" he asked taking two circular chips.

"Those are my one-month chips. I've been going to Compulsive Liars Anonymous and to a group that deals with addicts to Danger, Adventure. I've realized you've all been right. I am an addict and I do have a problem with lying. Dr. Burke thinks the lying is a byproduct of the addiction. I got so used to lying even to myself to justify my addiction that I ended up lying about anything that made me even the slightly bit uncomfortable or that needed me to share."

"That's good."

"I'm working on myself, and I've quit the force."

"What?!" he asked shocked. "What's with people just up and quitting their jobs?! I didn't ask for this. I would never ask-"

"You're right," she nodded. "You didn't and you wouldn't. I didn't do this for you. I did this for me, after talking a lot in group and with Dr. Burke. I've realized the alcoholic shouldn't be bartending."

"Uh?"

"My job allowed me to be in a place where my addiction was fueled, so leaving my job was just a natural step, if I was serious about getting better."

"Do you want me to leave the PI firm?" he asked worried. Could he?

"NO!" she said emphatically. "Even if we were together I wouldn't. My dad said something really interesting. He asked me if I knew why he had told me not to refrain from drinking when I was having a meal with him. He said he lived with not taking that sip of alcohol every day, but that if he insulated himself. That if he always made sure he was never anywhere with alcohol, there was no temptation, then he was always on the rehab bubble and wouldn't know if he could resist temptation. That one thing is to not have a liquor cabinet at home and the other is never to go out with a group of friends to a bar. He does, and he just doesn't drink. I have no intention of working cases again, but that doesn't mean I can't listen to the cases you work in. Besides, we're just friends."

"I know, I just thought you'd expect me to abstain too-"

"And that is why I want us to work things out."

Rick nodded and then added, "We don't take dangerous cases. We made that deal. Alexis, Hailey and me. If a case gets too dicey, we'll refer the client to someone else. Because of the babies. Even my work with the 4th, I've made changes. I consult and I sit in on interrogations, but I don't go out on the field even to bring suspects in. The most I do on the field, is check out the crime scene after Unis have cleared the scene."

"That's because you like the mystery but you don't have an addiction to the danger. You can just drink a glass of wine, I can't," she nodded. "If there is even a whiff of danger, I was there with my thirst."

"I just wanted to let you know," he said. "I don't want you getting ideas that I would go back to the 12th. That things can go back to how they were. Things have changed," he pulled Alex up in an arc and planted a kiss on her belly that had the little girl laughing. "And not just this. I don't know if you know, but my relationship with the boys and Lanie, exploded in a fiery inferno."

"Redundant much?" she laughed, and he shrugged. "I know. I know Lanie and Ryan feel bad and are trying to get the nerve to make things right with you."

"I know. Jenny has mentioned, but I'm going to tell you what I told her. Everyone knows where I live, and I wasn't the one throwing punches. Quite the opposite, I overlooked a lot for that friendship."

"I know, but if they come to talk to you, can you give them a chance to talk? Like you did me."

"Depends on what they have to say."

"That's all I ask," and she looked forward and then turned back, "Jenny?"

"She came asking if I needed help when the news of the babies got out. She was still breastfeeding at the time, but Sarah Grace wasn't all that interested anymore. I guess, because she was pregnant the milk kept coming. So, she pumped for Harry and at times breastfeeds him. With her and the milk bank I'm making sure these two get breast milk for as long as they need. Yes, I'm talking about you my beautiful Little Bean," he said tickling Alex's feet. "I don't know if Ryan knows. She tries not to mention him, but she has a few times."

"I never knew there were milk banks. How does that work?"

Rick smiled and said, "Mothers who have too much milk, pump their milk and deliver to the bank. It's tested and then mothers who are not producing milk, or babies without mothers can get milk there. It's good for both sides."

Kate nodded. The things she was learning? She had started reading a parenting book, she hadn't given up that she could make things up with Rick and she knew that she was the one who had to fight this time. So, she was on his shoes. He studied her and what she liked for years to win her over, now she was doing the same.

"Rick," he broke her out of her thoughts.

"What?"

"You've always called me Castle, even after we were together. You've only called me Rick a few times, and a few of those were because you were attacking me. But, if we want to start separating me from my public persona, from my books. Rick is a good start," he said simply with a shy smile and she smiled back. "You're Kate, I'm Rick. Like I said, I don't want Beckett, the armor you've put in place years ago. I want Kate, I've always wanted Kate. And Castle, well, he is a smirking, wise ass, that uses sarcasm, humor and a devil may care attitude to keep people at a distance. I mean, I'm funny," he said seriously. "That ain't stopping, but there's a difference to me making a joke to see you smile and acting like I think things are a joke. Rick makes jokes, Castle acts like things are a joke. We all have masks we put on to deal with the world. But in a relationship you have to be able to shed those masks and be yourself. I'm Rick, you're Kate."

"Hi Rick," she smiled back grabbing the chains of the swing with gusto and swinging with more enthusiasm.

"She's challenging us Little Bean! Let me strap you on," and he placed little Alex on the carry-on sling he had her before, and making sure he was holding very firmly, he increased his swinging. Alex made even more delighted noises. "Little Dare Devil bean," he mumbled happily.

* * *

Just a couple of days later, he suspected Kate had talked to the gang, Jenny had showed up at the park with not only Sarah Grace and Nick but an entourage. Harry had run to Sarah Grace, he really loved the older girl and Sarah Grace loved being the older wise one. Rick had to help him up on the way. Harry hadn't started walking. He had started running. A little funny skip he did. Rick kept telling the little boy he'd fall less if he walked to no avail. His mother had commented:

"You were the same. Always in a rush not to be left out of everything that was happening."

After settling the children on the playground, Rick had sat down on one of the benches, where he could see them, rocking the stroller where Alex was sleeping. He just waited in silence while Jenny gave the other two significant looks.

"Er, so, Castle," Ryan started. "Hum, we, er-"

"Were giant assholes!"

"Lanie!" Rick cried. "Young ears around!"

"Sorry," she winced looking at the children. There was a three-year-old boy who seemed really interested in their conversation and she shooed him to go play.

"His parents will not be happy," Jenny pointed out.

"Well, that was the best description I could come up with," Lanie defended herself as she walked over to Rick and kneeled in front of him to be at eye level. Ryan followed suit.

"We blindly followed Kate, and not just this time. And that was wrong. We forgot to use our own brains."

Rick shrugged, "I honestly didn't expect better from you and Espo. You have always blindly followed Kate and been aggressive towards me." Lanie winced again and mumbled a sorry. He was correct. "But you Ryan. I honestly never know where I stand with you. Sometimes you have my back, others you don't. I'm not asking for blind faith. Or for you to turn your back on Kate. I'd never want that. And you haven't had any blind faith when I've screwed up. You've called me to task. But when I'm not the one on the wrong, I expect to at least be able to have a drink with you."

"I have no defense other than cowardice," Ryan said. "I had my doubts from the start about what Beckett was doing but I was scared of going against the Wall of Blue. That is not an excuse," he said raising his hands. "That's an explanation. The new Captain is not fond of the Wall of Blue and took each one of us to task. Every officer who gave you a hard time. He shuffled us around. Gave me a new partner. He is a smart guy and realized who were the instigators and who, like me, were scared of breaking the Wall. He didn't let us off easy. Told me I better never just go through with something I think is wrong for fear again and made the fact that if I have trouble with other officers to come to him clear. He'll solve the problem with minimal backlash for me."

"You couldn't exactly do that with Kate," Rick nodded.

"Yeah," he said. "But I wouldn't have with Gates or Montgomery either. Gates is an okay Captain, but she is a bit biased towards cops too. She didn't do anything when I was going through the cold shoulder phase at the precinct until Espo forgave me. And as for Montgomery, the whole precinct knew Beckett was his little princess and that if you upset her, you'd be in trouble with him. I get why he did that, because of his guilt. But, us, regular mortals who had to report to him just got used to dancing to the tune. And I guess I never stopped."

"The Wall of Blue is something that can be great and horrible at the same time," Rick said. "I always admired how when an officer is in danger, officers from all over, who don't even know the officer in danger, in trouble, will pool over to help, no questions asked. But at the same time, never asking questions can be easily abused, and is constantly. How many times do we hear cases of domestic disputes that end up in tragedy where the abusing spouse is a cop and the Wall of Blue ends up protecting them? It's up to the officers to see that line and not cross it and you crossed it Kevin."

"I know, and I'm working on not crossing that again."

"Me too," Lanie agreed.

He looked at them and nodded.

"I don't like holding grudges. It's bad for my skin, but I'm not an idiot either and sometimes I think people think that because I forgive, I am an idiot, and they can go on as is. This is your last chance. My therapist told me he is fond of the forgive but not forget because that let's the person know not to screw up again. Well, I'm forgiving, but not forgetting. I – I don't trust you anymore. Any of you, not the two of you, not Espo and not Kate. Do you know how that feels like? To not trust the people you felt closest to?"

Both of them shook their heads.

"Well, it sucks!" he said after making sure little ears were far away.

"I know we can't go back to how things were, but, please, let us try to gain that trust again," Lanie said. "I've always been Kate's friend first, and I don't think that will ever change, it's a best friend thing. But I want to be your friend too, and I want you to be able to trust I won't just blindly follow her."

Rick nodded and they all sat there watching the kids and making small talk. They were far from being okay but at least this was a beginning.

* * *

After talking with Dr. Wyatt and his family Rick decided to accept Kate's proposal with a change.

"Both of us have trouble opening up to a stranger, but it's not fair to either of us to use one of our therapists because they will be biased, they will already have heard the story from one point of view. I propose we do something different. Dr. Wyatt said this wasn't usually done when I came up with the idea, but that if Dr. Burke accepts, and if we give them both permission to discuss the case with each other, so they can compare notes, and we accept that neither of them will break confidentiality about what we discussed with them in our private sessions unless we give them prior consent, he is game if you and Dr. Burke are."

They had been and Kate had thanked him for his thoughtfulness of not making them go through the process of having to start trusting a third party.

Martha supported the idea, still hoping Kate and Rick could patch things up. Alexis and Hailey weren't very happy. Neither trusted Kate. Alexis because of everything she lived through and Hailey because she didn't know Kate, only what others had told her, and honestly that didn't paint a very good picture of Kate. But both thought that at least getting closure and being able to work out all the pain they both had inflicted on each other would be good for Rick. Maybe after that he would be able to open himself up for love again, so they said they had his back, but both of them had a private chat with Kate.

Hailey's was simple. "I don't know you and if you hurt my brother again, I'll break your legs and arms." In that regard Kate and Hailey understood each other very well. Alexis was harder for Kate, because she realized she hadn't thrown just Rick away, but Martha and Alexis too and that the girl she loved, and who she had gotten used to be someone who was on her side, who looked up to her, had completely knocked her down the pedestal she had quite enjoyed and right now hated her, really hated her.

Not like Rick, who was angry, but she could still see the love under the anger. No, when Alexis knocked on her door there was absolutely no fondness, just utter distrust.

"I think you are the worst thing that happened to my dad. Everyone says how he changed for you, became more mature but I always knew he was mature. He changed alright, but not for the better. You and the others, and even Grams kept using as a comparison the Page 6 image instead of the real Rick Castle even after he let you see the real him. The mature guy, who loves intensely and is always trying to take care of others was always there. He raised me alone, and as much as we joke, he was the one to instill discipline in me. He was also the one who then thought he'd done too good a job and tried to get me to relax a bit, but if he hadn't been mature, I'd be a total spoiled brat, kinda like you."

Kate chose to ignore that because she had indeed discussed her brattiness with Dr. Burke. She had mentioned what Rick said about him having had to take care of his mother and if that affected his outlook and Dr. Burke said that of course it did. While she had gone through a horrible tragedy, she had a pretty sheltered and spoiled life up until she was 19. And after that she had to take care of herself, but no one else. Her saving her father was when she put her foot down and told him that she wouldn't talk to him any more until he sobered up. And while her dad says that is what saved him, that he needed that, the fact still is, she didn't have to actually take care of him. She couldn't count on him, but she only had to take care of herself.

According to Dr. Burke, most adults, at some point have that need to think of someone other than themselves. Either because they get into a serious relationship and need to factor the other person, become parents, have to take care of family or even because their work requires them to take care of their coworkers and therefore have a constant person on which to think other than themselves. Due to the one foot out the door relationships she had and Montgomery's favoritism, Kate had managed to live almost to her forties without having lived that, which also favored her way of acting. And now she needed to learn to do that.

"But he did change," Alexis continued, "He smiled less. He doubted himself more. He's always been self-conscious, tries to hide his low self-esteem by sounding arrogant. Like if he says he's a ruggedly handsome great writer enough times he'll actually believe himself. And growing up, I realized the more he doubted himself, the more he said those things. And he said them a lot around you. Because all you did was put him down, so of course he tried to bring himself up again. And I don't want to see that again.

"You got dad to give you a second chance because I think dad would think Hitler could be redeemed given the chance, but I know better. I don't trust you, but this time I'm not going to swallow my doubts. Every time you do something I think is bad for him, I will point that out not just to him but everyone. And I will continue to introduce him to whoever I think is better than you because my dad deserves better."

"Good," she had answered, and Alexis had looked at her with suspicion. "I want to be the person who makes your dad smile more, not less. I don't want to hurt him. So, if I fall off the wagon, please do call me to task. Right now, we are just trying to repair a friendship," here Alexis snorted in disbelief, "but if he ever gives me another shot at being together I promise you I will work hard for the rest of my life to never hurt him like this again."

"Yeah, you've promised that before," Alexis snorted again.

"I know, my word right now is worth nothing. But I am trying to be honest. I won't say we won't fight or hurt each other because that is impossible in any relationship. But I will say that I'm not going to run again. I will do my very best not to put him down all the time like a I did, not even some of the time. I promise I will not lie to him anymore. Actually, that is a promise I made myself. And I know I have broken every promise I have ever made to your dad, you and your grandmother and pretty much a lot of people, so I get that you don't believe me. So, I will do what your father did. I will show you, by being here, by not running, by not lying, by fighting for this. I realized I never did. Your dad was the one who did all the fighting for our relationship. But no more, I'm fighting too now and I'm showing up, for however long I live, and I hope one day you'll believe me, like I believed your dad."

"I'm pretty sure your resolve will last just a few months, until you find your next project. And I'll be there for dad again," and with that she turned around and stalked to the elevator. She had never accepted Kate's invitation to enter the apartment.

They had started the sessions, three times a week. They weren't easy. There was a lot of hurt. And Rick told her how he didn't trust her any more. That had hurt but Kate understood why. She hoped to build that trust back, but she knew that realistically that would take years to build back.

There was also a lot of crossed signals and as Rick pointed out, a lot of double measures. Several situations when he had been harshly judged for a sin and she had been let completely off the hook for the same sin, and more, expected to be let completely off the hook.

When talking of why she felt she wasn't as accountable as he was, she at first had no idea other than her brattiness. At how she was used to getting away with everything. They had talked about Montgomery and how he always covered for her and how that ended up setting the tone for Rick, Ryan and Espo too. That Kate wasn't accountable. And how that only served to harm them all, but herself most of all because she never learned to be accountable for.

After almost two months of discussing their problems, Rick brought up another aspect, in addition to the fact that she was used to getting away with everything, even expected to.

"When someone pointed out to me that what we had was an abusive relationship I snorted. Thought they were exaggerating. And then they made me think of what I would do if Alexis had come home telling me the same story I had just told them, except in this case you would be her boyfriend, and I didn't even blink. I said I'd kill him, and no one would find the body. And they showed me how, in society, we tend to still not be able to see the woman as the aggressor. So, as a society, we have gone from a place where women had no rights, to a place where we start to view her as having no duties. Except that's not true, because most women do still have tons of duties, and moreover, that's not equality. We all should have equal rights and duties and I think this played a part on all of us, me, you, the boys, Lanie, Mother, Alexis, in viewing things that happened. You made physical threats to me and everyone laughed, what would have happened if I had made those same threats to you?"

"You would have been arrested," she stated simply.

"Yes, but that didn't just stop with threats, that was translated to our relationship. Like for instance, the whole Demming debacle. Yeah, I get now that you have told me you broke up with him to accept my invitation that that was awful timing. But Kate, you didn't say anything. You could have said. 'Hey, by the way, is that invitation still up? I just broke up with my boyfriend and have no plans for the weekend'. By then Gina and I were not together yet. All that had happened was I didn't want to go up there alone and extended the same invitation I did to you, no funny business, to her. She usually spends summers up there having to dine and wine several writers, so I offered her a place to stay. But we only got together during the summer. And yes, you had no way of knowing that, just like I had no way of knowing you broke up with Demming for me. But even if I was in a relationship with Gina then, why would that be wrong? You had been in a relationship for a month with someone else. So why couldn't I? But yes, I was punished for that.

"Somehow after spending a month giving me signs that you wanted pretty much anyone but me, then giving me signs that you and Demming were serious, I was the villain because I didn't read your mind. How is that fair?

"I think that's a bit our culture. Yeah, we say women can do anything, but we still expect the man to be the one to make the move. But more than that, now we turned the tables instead of making them equal. Before, a woman who dated around was a whore and the man a stud, but now we punish the man as a player, someone who can't be trusted if, when rejected, he doesn't just stay there waiting for his turn, coming back after every beating like a dog, but it's okay if the woman shops around before making her mind. Because that was what happened. The only person I 'made out' with where I knew you could see me was Serena Kay, and that was because I panicked, I really did. But, every time I was with someone, I made sure not to make out in front of you, and that was a grand total of three times in the four years before we got together, two one-night stands and one relationship. But you did, with Sorenson, Demming and Josh. And I was just expected to smile and wait, because there was hell to pay if I dared get with someone even while you were with them.

"And, with all we've been discussing, like I said, I think there's a cultural part, but I think things may have been taken to a more extreme level because of your animosity towards me. Like I said, your wall only kept me out. Your no PDA in the office was just for me. The same with the rule about coworkers dating. Demming was a cop in the same precinct. There was clearly a problem with me. And that hurt a lot. Because, it made me think I wasn't good enough, that I never would be. One second you are telling me you like working with me and the other you are being pretty nasty Kate. The things you and Demming did, and Espo got in the bandwagon too, hurt me a lot. I didn't understand why I was suddenly back to being not good enough for the team after two years of working together, of being friends. I felt betrayed."

"You were good enough, you've always been more than enough," she answered. "I was the messed up one who made up her mind before I met you of how you would be. I imposed that view on my colleagues, and every time I realized I was slipping and seeing the real you, I pressed the reset button. That was on me. Because I was too much of a coward to risk losing you. So, I kept you there simmering. I was afraid that a relationship wouldn't work, so I kept a friendship and any time that friendship threatened to turn into something more I couldn't control, I pressed on the Bitch Beckett button."

"I did not call you that word," he said uncomfortable.

"Because you are too much of a gentleman to do so. But that is what happened. And the boys followed my lead. And like we've discussed before, I took any little excuse to doubt you. You are right, I should have been your fiancé when you woke up in that hospital. Not Detective Beckett. But that was more of my insecurities. Not you. You had more than proven you were loyal to me and instead of remembering that, I attacked you and forgot all I knew about you. Forgot you'd never do that to me or your family. Forgot when Hurricane Sandy hit and you made all of us camp at the loft because it was the most protected place with the special resistant glass on the windows and the hermetic closing garage and ground floor doors to prevent flooding. Your ton of non-perishable food and generators for the building and the loft in particular."

"I had all that adapted after I researched for Tropical Storm," he nodded with his eyes wide just thinking of the dangers.

"Exactly, when we saw where that tent was, we should have realized someone that paranoid about storms wouldn't camp next to the water even if we didn't know the reason. We knew you. And yet I forgot the fact that the evidence didn't make sense with the story, like you've taught me, and attacked you. And now I know why. And I'm working on that but that is not an excuse for what I did.

"You are right, I did abuse you. And I did allow Demming to mistreat you and joined him in humiliating you and I am so sorry for that. I constantly lied saying you meant nothing when you meant everything, and the only excuse I have is, I am _really _messed up," she emphasized her words by opening her eyes wide.

"And I'm not saying that like, I'm messed up, so you just have to suck it up. Or I am an addict so, once again, you just have to accept everything I do. Because that's not true. And I realize that for years I acted as if that was the case. As if you just had to accept anything I did because of my issues. And that to make matters worse, the same benefit wasn't given to you. We all acted like nothing affected you and expected you to always bounce back without complaint. Worse, I somehow managed to blame you for my actions. Like they were justified. They weren't. I own my actions. They are my fault. Not yours.

"I know you blame yourself for opening my mothers case Rick, you think you enabled me somehow but I've been analyzing myself with Dr. Burke here enough," she nodded at the doctor who nodded back but, just as his colleague, decided to let the couple continue this, "to know that I could have walked away. And you did allow me to do so. Remember, you said you'd do anything I wanted including nothing. And I could have done nothing, so many times. But I didn't. I decided to go after Coonan. I decided to continue the investigation when you asked me to stop and went to that hangar and you saved me. I could have told the Captain I was done, and he could have passed that on. Who knows? He could be alive today."

"You don't know that Kate?"

"I don't, but I do have experience enough to know we'd be dead if you hadn't taken me out of there and instead of thanking you, I blamed you. And then, when you told me about Smith, instead of realizing that you were trying to protect me, I not only accused you of something I knew you'd never do, betray me, but I threw that in your face to make my lie be okay. Like your omission was the same as my lie and they canceled each other. No, they're not, because I can see now that if you had told me, I was going to go straight ahead and get myself killed. You kept the existence of a deal from me to protect me and when you had to you told me. I didn't find out because you blurted something to a suspect. I lied because I was a coward and I stayed away, and I probably wouldn't have gotten the guts to contact you if I hadn't been presented with an excuse that saved face, because admitting I heard you, that I missed you every single day, meant acknowledging we had more than a friendship even if you did wait for me. Meant having to go to that unknown, uncontrollable place I feared so much. I was protecting myself," she shook her head and gave a derisive laugh. "We lied for the same reason, to protect me. And those were just a few examples of how I've hurt you. Because I realized that I did things to hurt you all the time. I did, I flirted one second and humiliated you the next. I gave you an in and then shut the door violently on your face.

"But I can't change the past, all I can do, and am trying to do is change the future. Because no, my issues do not excuse me hurting you. So, yes, you get to be angry. Call me to task, expect me to make amends, just like I have every time you screwed up. And I want to make a deal here."

"A deal?"

"Yes, that we don't lie to each other anymore – and yes, I know I made that deal before and broke it just a few hours later – but this time for real. And we tell each other when something the other did hurt us. And we tell each other what we expect of the other. No more mind reading."

"I like that," Castle smiled taking her hand.

"I have to say I like that too," Dr. Burke added. "I believe you were both spot on, on the problems. And while acknowledging the problem is a good step forward, you two have to work on not falling back into the problem every day. And that is something you need to do for the rest of your lives. You don't just live forty years one way and then suddenly change. That will require both of you to continue working on yourselves."

"I agree with my colleague, and that's not just because I need the hourly fees."

They all chuckled, and Dr. Wyatt managed to do what he wanted which was to break the tense atmosphere.

"I believe we have made several breakthroughs recently and if I may, I suggest we continue with these sessions as well as the private ones, until we reach a point where we can space them out more, to say, once or twice a month, and then, we keep those, lets call them maintenance sessions, as part of your normal routine. Like my colleague said, this is something you'll have to continuously work for the rest of your lives, but right now, we are at a crisis, and crises need more attention, hence more encounters, but we must not allow ourselves to get into a false sense of security, once the storm has passed. Which is something I believe we are very close to."

"I agree with Dr. Wyatt. You started this relationship with a big problem, and to be able to have a healthy relationship, you need to deal with that problem. That's what you are doing here. But there is no marriage that is perfect. While you won't have unsurmountable problems, you will be faced with small ones. And we don't want to let them get to an unsurmountable size. Like this almost did. And you Kate need to be more aware than anyone. Because an addiction you control, but you don't recover from. You will always have to be aware of triggers and try to avoid them."

Rick nodded, "I'm okay with that."

"I'm okay with that too Rick, but are you sure you want to give that much effort to a friendship? What will your next partner say?" she said cautiously. They had only seen each other in the sessions so far, and she was afraid to hope for more.

"She just said she's okay with the work, oh, right, I was going to ask you out for dinner after the session, but the docs kind of ruined my moment," he said biting his lips and looking at her like a little boy asking for sweets.

"Are you sure?"

"We've been seeing them for months. In addition to these sessions, I know you are keeping with the meetings and Dr. Burke's private sessions several times a week. It's almost a full-time job right now for you."

"It won't always be like this," Dr. Burke said calmly. "Like we said, we will reach a point where a maintenance will be enough."

"I know, but my point is, I've seen how much work you've put on this. This isn't just a promise you make to me and then break. You've been here, talking to me about hard stuff, and I know how hard opening up is to you. You've changed Kate, you are doing things for our benefit that you would have rebelled at before our separation. Things you did rebel at. And instead, here you are, opening up. Does that erase what happened? Like you said, no. But I believe people can change, I believe that in the eight years we've known each other we have both changed. Someone once told me that the secret to a long marriage was changing together. That they heard people saying their marriage didn't work because they changed, but that everyone changes. The person you were at the beginning of each year is different than the one at the end of the year, but if you change together, then you stay together. And to change together you have to do what we are doing now, share. We had a lot of issues, we don't talk, you were hung up on a false image you created, but the biggest one, the unsurmountable one was sharing, and that one we did overcome. The rest is life," he shrugged his shoulders. "So, will you go to dinner with me and we see where we go from there?"

She kissed him and said, "Yes."

* * *

A/N – Told you there would be a Caskett ending. I feel this is a good place to end. There is an epilogue explaining how they are still and will always be a work in progress, but they are back together, and in my opinion, stronger!


	8. Epilogue

**Epilogue**

Six months later they married again. At the Hamptons, a small ceremony with close family and friends, yes Aunt Theresa too. This time Kate was the one to propose. She took him to the hall of the 12th homicide's floor and he didn't understand.

"This is the place I realized I loved you. When I almost lost you to Coonan. When I realized my tears where because of you, not the lost lead. That whole night, yes, I was pissed about losing the lead, but I kept crying and having nightmares of you taking Coonan's place. I guess we all know my reaction there. I scared myself with how much I felt for you. I'm not scared of how much I feel for you anymore. I'm scared every time you cross the street, put something in your mouth with those hazardous cheese strings, get up on the ladder to get something, but not of my feelings for you."

He smiled, "Yes."

"I haven't finished. And full disclosure, I'm terrified every time Harry starts walking around, and who told Alex she was allowed to be so fast while crawling. So-"

"That's parenting. Get used to that 'cause that feeling does not go away."

"Good thing you bought all that NYU, Vassar and Columbia memorabilia."

"Got to start the indoctrination early or else we'll have a year from hell, like with Alexis. I learned my lesson."

"Well, I want to be scared with you for the rest of our lives. I want you to be my third and done."

And she showed him a box with two rings, "I get a ring?" he cried excitedly clapping his hands!

"Yes, and you have to give me mine back," she said happily. He took hers and placed it on her finger saying:

"You were always my third and done. Even when I filed for the divorce, for me that was it. I didn't see myself ever being with someone else. But I didn't know what else to do and I really thought you didn't want to be married."

"I think I wasn't ready, even though you were, you've always been ready before me in this relationship," she said placing his ring on his finger. "But I am now."

She had moved back to the loft; she loved the loft. It was the first place she felt at home since she left her parents' house. But they redecorated big time. She didn't fight him this time and they had ransacked her old apartment, taking everything in there and giving the furniture that was in the apartment she had been occupying to Sophia. They had also decorated the children's rooms together. Up until then, to make things easier since he lived alone, Rick had kept the cribs in their room. But now each child got their own room. Harry helped pick up a lot of stuff, others, well. Let's just say fluorescent green for the walls was passed.

Now the loft had a good balance of both their lives and Alexis and Hailey were given first shot at anything they wanted from what was going to storage. Kate also offered Alexis the apartment she had been staying in free of charge, since the girl had still been in the dorms through the beginning of med school. The girl had accepted after Kate argued she should not have that apartment, because she should never have broken her vows.

They were both right and they were their done. Kate still saw the fear in his eyes that she would suddenly leave for a few years, and her relationship with Alexis was never the same, even after Alexis finally accepted that she wouldn't leave again. That also took years, but like her father had told her, those were things she had to accept. Casualties of her letting her addiction win.

Her relationship with Martha had never been the same either, while more receptive than Alexis when Rick decided to give her another chance, having needed a few herself, that unwavering support the older woman had given her, was gone, and now that support was for her son. Kate missed that. In a way she had had a mother back, but the truth was, Martha was the only parent Rick had ever had and he should have been the one with the unwavering support all along.

Although she was not a baby person, she had to say she had fallen in love with Harry and Alex right away. Rick had been reserved. Other than then the time she ambushed him in the park, he only introduced her to the children after a couple of months of dating and continued counseling.

Harry was just too cute. He was a mini Rick, like the minibar little bottles, she joked. Except that unlike with Rick, she was incapable of saying no to him and to his sister, who was just adorable at six months and was turning around and making moves to get to places. Rick called it the beginning of the end, when they were able to get away from you. She had laughed at first but totally understood him the first day they took Alex to day care. She camped outside the school with the computer on.

She was putty in their hand and Rick shook his head in disbelief at times

"But they're so cute!"

"If someone told me I would be the disciplinarian in the family when we first started dating, I would have laughed at them and referred them to a psychiatric hospital."

"How can you resist this face?" she hugged Harry close to her who added, "How daddy?"

"Because I love you buddy, and don't want you growing up bratty or having a tummy ache, so no. No sweets before dinner."

"I'm sorry Apple Pie, daddy said no. He's so strict," she kissed the little boy and Rick flapped his arms in disbelief.

She had taken his name this time around. When he had said she didn't have to, he understood that was outdated she answered.

"Taking your name isn't about you possessing me, but me being a part of this family. Seems stupid, but if I keep my name, it's like the boxes I hadn't unpacked the first time around. I'm keeping a foot out the door," he had kissed her passionately after that. But she really felt like a true Castle the day she was watching Rick with the kids from the office door and their conversation made sense to her. Alex, at almost two, and Rick were seated on the couch while Harry, almost three, was playing with his Lego on the floor close by. Rick had a conspiratorial look on his face and staged a whisper with Alex.

"Okay Little Bean. What I am about to tell you is a national super-secret, you can't tell anyone!"

"Tay daddy," the little girl leaned in, standing on her feet to reach her daddy better.

"You are super-duper deeply extremely adorably cute with sprinkles on the top."

She cried delighted and jumped on the couch, "I kno' daddy!"

Rick made a shocked expression with his hand on his mouth, "How? Who told you?"

"You daddy! You tolded evyone," she nodded wisely.

"I did? Oh, my…But really, can you blame me? I can't help myself! How am I going to keep something like that to myself."

"What about me daddy?" Harry asked coming closer.

Rick hauled him on the couch and said, "You are super-duper deeply extremely adorably cute with sprinkles on the top too! You're my favorite Apple Pie in the whole world."

"I fought I was your favite daddy?" Alex asked.

"You're my favorite Little Bean in the whole world," he brought her onto his lap too and planted a kiss on each.

"And Lesi?" Alex cried happily.

"She's super-duper deeply extremely adorably cute with sprinkles on the top and my favorite Pumpkin."

"And mommy?" Harry continued the game.

"Mommy is super-hot! I mean, have you seen those, legs, they come all the way up here," he motioned with a hand. "And her eyes, I told mommy that on our first date."

"When was dat?" Harry asked.

"Well, she broke into my party then took me to her place over a decade ago. If that's not a date, I don't know what is. I was smitten."

"Daddy! 'Top wif your mommy siwwy face."

"What mommy silly face Little Bean? I don't have a mommy silly face."

"Yes, you do daddy," Harry said pointing at his face. "You always make da same silly face when you talk about mommy or to mommy."

"She's my favorite too," he said smiling and the children slapped their own face in disbelief.

"But all this is a super national secret that we can't tell anyone and have to tell everyone, because really? Who can keep this to themselves?"

"That makes lots of sense daddy," Harry nodded his head emphatically and Alex followed suit. "Wots of sense!"

You had to be a Castle for that to make sense, and she was.

They had no more children, even though they had thought of trying. That was another price she paid for her obsession. By the time they were in a good place, she was over forty and had a history of a gunshot to the heart and her Doctor explained that all pregnancies over forty are already considered a risk, especially if it's the first one, and with her history the risk increased even more and he did not recommend a pregnancy.

She probably would have been more devastated if they didn't love Harry and Alex so much, as was, Rick had pointed out they had their hands full and that if they wanted more there were lots of children in need. That they didn't have to risk her health to be parents again, and he had been right.

She hadn't been able to formally adopt them because of how James and Lily had arranged for guardianship, but as Rick had pointed out, that was just a piece of paper and what mattered was the day to day.

She had decided she wanted a job that allowed her to stay at home. She had already missed a lot of Harry's and Alex's milestones and didn't want to miss anything more. At first, she had wanted to be a full stay-at-home mom, but Rick had told her the same thing that was said to him. If she built her life completely around the children, there would be a time where they didn't need her so much and she would fall into depression. So, she had accepted to think about something she would like to do, but that gave her the freedom to be with the children.

In the end the answer was simple. With the new publishing house and the e-books marketplace, in addition to writing, the PI firm and being there for the kids as much as her, Rick was getting too many things piled up on him. One day, Gina had called, and Rick hadn't been available, and the matter was urgent. There was an emergency meeting with one of the owners at the new publishing house. They wanted to announce their expansion with the release of Nikki Heat and there were several last minutes things to prepare.

Now that she actually policed herself to make sure she paid attention to his things as well as hers, she was actually very well appraised on the subject and after texting Rick she took the meeting and boy did she like the work. First, she got to boss Gina around a little, a plus for her, she was still a tad jealous of the woman. But the logistics of everything, she never knew how much time Rick spent on the planning or how complicated things were. The challenge really called to her.

She started taking classes in publishing and administration and became his manager. Which he loved, because he really hated that part of the planning. She was neither his agent, nor his editor. She was his advocate. She didn't receive a percentage, she received a salary (he insisted on) that was fixed, so that she would fight for what was best for him and not what was best for the percentage.

Paula's job was to get the best deals, Gina's was to mediate between the publisher and him and correct his work, but mostly, her job was to defend the company, and the lawyers' job was to make sure everything was in order and didn't hurt him. But he had defended himself for years, discussing book signings and fighting for deadlines that worked with his way of writing. And now that was the work she was doing. After a few years, when the children had started school full time, she also took other clients and was making a name for herself. The writers loved the deal because they had more time for what they liked, to write. And she wasn't someone they had to fight with. They told her what they wanted and what compromises they accepted, and she fought to make sure that was the end-result.

They were both still in contact with the Ryans and Lanie, but the friendship with Espo didn't survive. They heard from Ryan that the new Captain had straightened Espo up with other suspensions and that at work he was more respectful and less prideful, but Ryan said that did not transfer to his private life, and even Ryan eventually got fed up and stopped meeting Espo after work. The new Captain had separated them from the get-go. Thinking Espo needed some humility and Ryan needed to learn not to follow like a sheep. So, he gave Ryan a partner who expected actual opinions and not 'yes sirs' and partnered Espo with someone who did not take his crap. Getting out from under Espo's shadow did Ryan wonders. Though he decided not to become a career cop, and when he reached his 20, he retired from the force and joined the PI firm. He too had a family and didn't want to be on the line of fire any more. He really liked the security precautions Rick and the others had taken. Rick had made Hailey, Tori and Alexis partners by then and offered a piece to Ryan too.

The firm was a success and had expanded to a whole proprietary building where they had all kinds of labs and personnel. The five of them were actually responsible for different teams and departments. Alexis had gone on to med-school and forensics, which she applied to the forensics department of RCI.

To Rick's and Kate's delight, all the subliminal messages worked some, Alex and Harry did go to Columbia, they did not however join the religious order of babies who went to Columbia but still lived at home with mommy and daddy and didn't date the horrible vixens and perverts of the world. Kate finally understood Rick the first time Harry came home saying he had invited a _girl _to the prom. Alexis had to keep Rick and Kate and props from following Harry to the girl's house. There was another inspection for severed heads when Alex was picked up for her first dance with a _boy_. Both Rick and Kate had not been happy. They had been very creative too.

After graduate school, once again to the couple's dismay and horror, Alex and Harry decided to join the firm in an investigative capacity. Alexis said they had no one to blame but themselves. What did they expect after having mystery and laser tag tournaments since they were little and discussing cases (both fictional and real) around the loft.

And in the end, as Rick had pointed out, in addition to being partners in the most important area, life, they continued to be partners at work, except over fictional bodies now.

And their partnership, and therefore marriage, had come out of their struggles stronger than ever.

They couldn't say their life was all roses, they had hard and easy patches, like any normal couple, but they could say that overall, they had a very good life, and they really loved spoiling the grandchildren. Alexis, Harry and Alex weren't a big fan of that part but, since they were still super-duper deeply extremely adorably cute with sprinkles on the top and favorites (Rick was really good with the wording there), they let it go.

**The End**


End file.
